holy crap sucide girls is my fucking confessional booth.
i still dont think i know that im not going out with jorden. i really am sure that i believe we are just fighting.
theres a friend of mines ex (i use friend quite loosely) who suddenly, through everyone asking why we arent going out, im finding myself noticing how really cool and sexy she is and how tragic she is. and i want to sleep with ehr now. maybe some sex i dunno. then i realize that she still thinks we are bro's and the thing is i think lotsa my guy friends and the girls who im the "safe friends" with, because im so honest and nice and whatever, say im such a catch and wonder why i dont have a girlfriend.
i want to have sex with every girl i am friends with. i would be willing to persue it with (and for some again) 1 or 2. probably just this one girl really. my ex was right sure i was flirting with every girl i knew but the thing she didnt get was that id never actually do it. its just not good to fuck your friends. you end up wiht less friends and for someone a s close to terminally fucked up as i am. and i am a goddamned mess ill tell you that, i need my friends.
the one girl id like to wake up next to and have a relationship with who isnt my ex (how unHealthy i am) would be taken aback so hard if i ever propositioned her that i imagine it would go from wierd to bad to worse. i already know she thinks im terribly depressing as is. the thing is she is manic depressive. im all over the place arent i.
i almost drank tonight im glad i didnt for some reason. i think because it means im getting some self discipline, which i suppose stems from some sort of buergeoning(sp?) self respect im gaining from who knows what. which is good.
i guess im hating myself less. i just hope that im ok with that and i dont crash and burn and wreck my life on purpose which i think in retrospect i have done one too many times.
its a complex issue to want a girlfriend and know that to date someone would be uinfair to you and the other party involved. but man to sleep next to a warm body and to kiss a pair of lips that met yours with some kind of desire. that would be fucking fabulous.
like i said i wish someone would say i love you to me and then rip my ear off.
-j
i still dont think i know that im not going out with jorden. i really am sure that i believe we are just fighting.
theres a friend of mines ex (i use friend quite loosely) who suddenly, through everyone asking why we arent going out, im finding myself noticing how really cool and sexy she is and how tragic she is. and i want to sleep with ehr now. maybe some sex i dunno. then i realize that she still thinks we are bro's and the thing is i think lotsa my guy friends and the girls who im the "safe friends" with, because im so honest and nice and whatever, say im such a catch and wonder why i dont have a girlfriend.
i want to have sex with every girl i am friends with. i would be willing to persue it with (and for some again) 1 or 2. probably just this one girl really. my ex was right sure i was flirting with every girl i knew but the thing she didnt get was that id never actually do it. its just not good to fuck your friends. you end up wiht less friends and for someone a s close to terminally fucked up as i am. and i am a goddamned mess ill tell you that, i need my friends.
the one girl id like to wake up next to and have a relationship with who isnt my ex (how unHealthy i am) would be taken aback so hard if i ever propositioned her that i imagine it would go from wierd to bad to worse. i already know she thinks im terribly depressing as is. the thing is she is manic depressive. im all over the place arent i.
i almost drank tonight im glad i didnt for some reason. i think because it means im getting some self discipline, which i suppose stems from some sort of buergeoning(sp?) self respect im gaining from who knows what. which is good.
i guess im hating myself less. i just hope that im ok with that and i dont crash and burn and wreck my life on purpose which i think in retrospect i have done one too many times.
its a complex issue to want a girlfriend and know that to date someone would be uinfair to you and the other party involved. but man to sleep next to a warm body and to kiss a pair of lips that met yours with some kind of desire. that would be fucking fabulous.
like i said i wish someone would say i love you to me and then rip my ear off.
-j