ponie

I am so tired tonight. But I have to purge my mind out somewhere or I'll never sleep right. It isn't enough though, typing. every time I hit post I always realize there was so much more that I wanted to say.

It's 1 month now. It doesn't feel that long at all. When you start a relationship you count months and years as way to show how far you've gone, of wondering how much farther you can go. After, it's like counting backwards. The pain is, mostly, reduced to an ache now, to moments of feeling like I will cry, that mostly pass when I distract myself. The crying, when I do, isn't really more than a few sobs and tears rather than bawling. It's still worse when I'm in the car alone and at night, when I'm by myself. Someone said something at school about my being on the market today, and I wanted to punch him. I do not consider myself that way. How could I? I'm trying to say his name out loud less often now, because my friends don't like to hear it. They don't want me hung up and thinking about him as if nothing happened. I understand that they want to see me moving on, but there doesn't seem to be anyway I can let go. Healing isn't letting go. I may be able to subdue my tears with a trembling breath and a distraction, but that doesn't mean that I'm letting go of how much I love him.

There is good today though. In my lesson I counter cantered for the first time. and did extended trots on Sam. It was amazing. at first the counter cantering was really hard. usually when you canter a horse, they have one lead for each direction, the inside leg leads the movement of the canter. Your hips move with it in a rocking following motion, inside hip leading. It's the same way each direction, inside always leads. counter canter is different, in counter canter the outside leg leads the motion, its backwards. Normally when that happens, its the wrong lead and you have to correct it, make it right so that inside leg still leads. With counter cantering though, you WANT that outside lead, it demonstrates control and balance that the horse can canter on the wrong lead. So it's really difficult, to do everything backwards, it goes completely against everything I've been taught as a rider so far. But I figured it out and it was a blast once I got it.

Briana, my trainer said "You realize now that you're REALLY riding dressage now?" I guess I've gotten past the learning to ride, to balance and connect and feel my horse and correct things and make things happen as well as doing it all correctly and in good riding form. Not that means that I'm by any means perfect at any of that. Just that now the basics are down and I can really start learning what dressage REALLY means, the control, the balance, the movement. Today was amazing. Briana thinks I'm ready to register with NCDCTA: North Carolina Dressage and Combined Training Association. What that means is being able to do recognized official shows. Scary. lol. Showing isn't really my main goal, esp since its expensive, but it is fun and to do real recognized shows would be awesome (you win more than ribbons!). What I want is what today was, the amazing feeling of improving and getting it right and doing it better and better each time. When Last weekends rides went so well, I though it was a fluke. I just figured I was having a good day and I didn't pay to much attention to Briana's saying that my riding has really improved. But I think I believe her now. Obviously that doesn't mean there won't be setbacks, esp. once we start amping up the dressage training, and in my next lesson I will finally start really training to jump on Sam. I did some jumping this summer but we stopped because I wanted to work on the dressage and refining my riding skills. I'm so excited. I'm not sure when it clicked, but suddenly I feel ready to step it up, and more confident. I will still continue to whine to Briana during my lessons though, its just fun that way.

We're supposed to get crazy snow this weekend, and we're still having the horse show Sunday. I got Briana to fix my times so that I won;t be super late to volunteering and I'm staying the weekend with her so that I won;t have to deal with the roads. I just hope that we really can do the show. Horses hate working on hard ground and its bad for them anyway, too much for they're joints. If you had a body that weighed over a thousand pounds on sticks not much bigger than a full grown mans forearms, you'd hate it too. If the ground is too frozen, I really don't think we can manage it. But we'll see. Briana is determined not to cancel because some of her other students have family flying in, husbands/fathers on R&R from Afghanistan, etc to see them ride. It would be pretty sad if that couldn't happen before they had to go back. My mom won't be able to make it b/c of the weather. So this will be the first show I've ever done without someone there for me. I know it isn't that big of deal. but it's almost like, if I'm not showing off for someone close to me, whats the point of showing? It feels like no one will see me. I know that's silly, I will have plenty of barn friends there. But they'll all be surrounded by loved ones. Isn't it strange how you can be in a room full of people and feel so alone? There goes those damn tears again. I'm really good at getting myself going I guess.

Test tomorrow and Ive barely studied. It's already 9 and I want to go to freaking bed. The material doesn't seem very tough though, so I guess just some reviewing tonight and in the morning should do me ok.

<3