No matter how confident I try to be, this whole broken heart thing is hell. I had a tough dream about him the night before last, we were together somewhere but it was tense. last nights dream was so pleasant, i met him again at party for a mutual friends wedding, and we just naturally fell back together. today is going to be a very melancholy day
6pm
this has been the hardest day I've had all week. All I've been able to think about is how good he felt in my arms in last nights dream. I've been crying all day except during my tiger shift, but i still felt so lonely. now its all just back to tears and I can't focus on studying, all I can think about is him.
I need whatever change is going to happen to happen fast. I want something in my life to break. something to give way so that we can be back together somehow. but i know it won't happen as soon as I want it too. the semester is barely three weeks in. I have a feeling nothing will really happen until school is over or longer. I can't bear being patient and waiting but I know that anything I do now won't help a bit. I want to tell him so many things. I want to talk to him so badly, the way I used to tell him everything at the end of the day. I can barely go to sleep with the things I want to say to him running through my mind, it's like talking to him purged me of my day and let me rest.
Its only been three weeks since we broke up. I know it will be easier in time. but for now I'm just clinging to everything that I have left of him, which feels like so very little. I feel like there's hardly anything substantial left, some clothes, a few pieces of jewelry, and none of it anything that I can wear everyday because our school dress code. I need more, something more to hold on too. everything i do now, i think about how he would do it or how he would want me to do it. how disappointed he would be in me to see me do something he wouldn't like. I even cook sausage his way, the way he said it was supposed to be done. I wish I had learned more about cooking for him. I hate cooking so I never paid enough attention, and I kept thinking that he would be there to cook for me. If I knew, if i had paid more attention to the details it would be one more thing I would have of him now.
I've been trying to stay tough about this, but its so hard. in my mind everything is still as if he was still around. I have to catch myself from blurting out "philip would like this" "Philip does it this way" or whatever. I'm pretty sure I've probably written this same blog not to long ago. nothing has changed.
I just want all of this to be done. I want whatever I need in my life to happen to happen so that I can run back into his arms with out any doubts.
"Doubt will propel you to seek a far more adventurous and valuable resoultion than you would seek with out it."
"All great discoveries are products of doubt as of certainty and the two in opposition clear the air for marvelous accidents."
--Mark Helprin, Winters Tale (a book that He bought me at Christmas)
My doubts made me leave to try to find my own ways, my own adventures. I know that there I things I have to do on my own, I know that I want so badly to certain things, like finally live on my own for a little while, but not very long because I become desperately lonely and depressed when I'm by myself for very long. that;s how I feel every night living here. But i think i need to try to find my own happiness and satisfaction somehow. But I even have doubts about all that. because in the end he made me so happy, and I want that happiness again someday.
6pm
this has been the hardest day I've had all week. All I've been able to think about is how good he felt in my arms in last nights dream. I've been crying all day except during my tiger shift, but i still felt so lonely. now its all just back to tears and I can't focus on studying, all I can think about is him.
I need whatever change is going to happen to happen fast. I want something in my life to break. something to give way so that we can be back together somehow. but i know it won't happen as soon as I want it too. the semester is barely three weeks in. I have a feeling nothing will really happen until school is over or longer. I can't bear being patient and waiting but I know that anything I do now won't help a bit. I want to tell him so many things. I want to talk to him so badly, the way I used to tell him everything at the end of the day. I can barely go to sleep with the things I want to say to him running through my mind, it's like talking to him purged me of my day and let me rest.
Its only been three weeks since we broke up. I know it will be easier in time. but for now I'm just clinging to everything that I have left of him, which feels like so very little. I feel like there's hardly anything substantial left, some clothes, a few pieces of jewelry, and none of it anything that I can wear everyday because our school dress code. I need more, something more to hold on too. everything i do now, i think about how he would do it or how he would want me to do it. how disappointed he would be in me to see me do something he wouldn't like. I even cook sausage his way, the way he said it was supposed to be done. I wish I had learned more about cooking for him. I hate cooking so I never paid enough attention, and I kept thinking that he would be there to cook for me. If I knew, if i had paid more attention to the details it would be one more thing I would have of him now.
I've been trying to stay tough about this, but its so hard. in my mind everything is still as if he was still around. I have to catch myself from blurting out "philip would like this" "Philip does it this way" or whatever. I'm pretty sure I've probably written this same blog not to long ago. nothing has changed.
I just want all of this to be done. I want whatever I need in my life to happen to happen so that I can run back into his arms with out any doubts.
"Doubt will propel you to seek a far more adventurous and valuable resoultion than you would seek with out it."
"All great discoveries are products of doubt as of certainty and the two in opposition clear the air for marvelous accidents."
--Mark Helprin, Winters Tale (a book that He bought me at Christmas)
My doubts made me leave to try to find my own ways, my own adventures. I know that there I things I have to do on my own, I know that I want so badly to certain things, like finally live on my own for a little while, but not very long because I become desperately lonely and depressed when I'm by myself for very long. that;s how I feel every night living here. But i think i need to try to find my own happiness and satisfaction somehow. But I even have doubts about all that. because in the end he made me so happy, and I want that happiness again someday.