ponie

I am sick of myself. Sick of myself and everything I've done. I'm not allowed to contact you, does that I mean I can't even say I'm sorry? I was wrong. so horribly wrong. Being alone with myself is pretty hard to bear. It was different when when I was alone I could think of you warmly and know how easy it would be to talk to you. But now I'm not allowed to talk to you because of the mistakes I've made. Now it's just me and my conscious, yelling at myself for my bad behavior. I made some pretty pathetic excuses some pathetic mistakes all based on my own selfishness. It wasn't you I needed space from. I needed space from myself, my own stress. I needed space from the space between us. Just a pathetic excuse. I should have taken that and used it to make us stronger, to cherish ever second I was with you and to make it last, to treat you the same way that you always treated me. I hated not having you every day and I thought that not having you at all would be better for the both of us. I was so wrong. I want to beg you back on my knees. I want you to collar me and tie me to the bed and beat me for the way I wronged you, us and our relationship. I ruined our happiness. I had everything I wanted, you to be my future husband, school and an approaching career, horses. But what good is all that other stuff without you? I would give it up in an instance. You were right telling me to grow up. I just didn't realize what part of me needed to grow. My shitty attitude and the way I take out my inner stress and anger on the people around me. How could I be so selfish to think that a career and my dreams were more important than the dreams I shared with you? The dreams that I still have, every night, every morning, every day you're the only thing I think of when I wake up, your name disrupts everything I do. I look at the clock and imagine you somewhere, getting out of bed at 7:00. Starting work at 8. Lunch at 1. home about 5. I think of you going grocery shopping, cooking dinner, doing laundry and I feel so helpless. I know that we had our differences, our little couples issues but they were so insignificant and I blew up a speck of dust and made into the world and the only thing I could see until I was blind. I threw my tantrum like a child, so how can you even begin to think of me as woman? I know that you won't read this. I know that you're better than me and that you won't search me out the way I keep trying to find you. I've practically become your own little stalker, looking for you online and not able to reach through the computer screen to touch your face. I can't seem to stop myself from looking at your pictures.

I know emotions are still to raw to make a fix of things now. The fight and the hurt and pain are still there. I know that time is supposed to sooth our aches and that you don't have your hopes up for reconciliation. But I meant it when I said I didn't care if you never come to a horse show, that I didn't care if it took us three more years to get married. Just like before when I promised that I would wait for you, I'll keep waiting. It may not be very healthy for me to be constantly dreaming this way. But I've always been pretty dramatic. The stars say that we don't belong together, but I think they can kiss my Leo ass.