Just a bit of thoughts today.
My sisters preparing for yet another wedding for a friend. A friend she's had since she was little and it stirred up my emotions of course.
I had more "friends" than I could count. All through school, kindergarten to high school. Now? None of them know me. Not one of them could tell you anything about me aside from what they remember from school days.
Most of them dipped out on me when I was 16... When I decided to be a mom. Yes, I decided to be a mom. The condom didn't break, I wasn't drunk and stupid, I chose to bring a child into this world. and when that happened I became scum, a whore, stupid, and no fun.. Among hundreds of other descriptions they had of me. I moved away for a bit, and when I returned half of them had went and had children, had them taken away do to their drug habits and whatever else. And some of them were pregnant, and automatically ran to me for help, advice, and of course with their baby registry. I wanted to be that bitch that said 'fuck off' you shunned me for my choices and now want my help? But nope, I gave help, gave advice, and spent thousands on these people because I knew how hard parenthood was. At first I was helping because it's how I am, and expected nothing out of it. Then I let my guard down and started thinking, maybe I'll get my friends back. Well, I let myself down. As soon as they got my help and got all they wanted from me I was back to being garbage.
I always wanted to be that girl that had a group of friends that stuck with eachother all through life, it still bums me out that they all vanished but I do know that they weren't ever really good enough to be those friends I wanted. I wanted FRIENDS, people that stuck by me even when they didn't support whatever I was doing, people that were okay with me being me and didn't try to change me, and most importantly people that loved me. They weren't capable of any of that.
I will always love everyone from my past, but I am so glad that's where they are... In the past.
