I think life is catching up with me. I feel so tired. Sitting in a dark room staring at flickering images for three hours is surprisingly draining.
"my birthday, my birthday,
is my worst day"
I'm in an unusual position right now. Well, not so much unusual as one that I have not been in for quite a while. There is no girl at the moment who has 'caught my eye', who I feel sufficiently, hopelessly, in indolent idolation with. In other words, I neither have a girl, nor have a girl in mind.
It's not a pleasant situation really. For both good and ill it reveals the hole in my life that has existed all my life. The brief, biting flares of physical assurance have done little to close the gap between my old beliefs and my desire for knowing the reality of relationships. I want to want someone, and perhaps for a change have it be in kind.
I know I'm still too shy, too afraid to put myself out there. In fact, too afraid to reach beyond the circle and find someone new.
I'll never feel less than lucky to have the friends I have, but friendship is love of a different flavour to the passion-tinged kiss, the clutching embrace that holds the heart.
I spoke with Fi of sex a little while ago, and it was interesting to discuss something from two very differently informed views. I do not want to divest sex and physical passion of all meaning, but at the same time I am aware that the longer this isolation continues the greater an issue it will become, both as an awareness of delayed development and as a knot of preconceptions. While mentally I am much different from that shy child who came to LVS, there is little better to bind thought fast than through deeds done.
I must do, as well as think, so I can have experience beyond theory alone.
Anyway, aside from this I am doing well. I just feel a little lonely really, and I'm tired of that. I've been a little lonely for a long time.
"my birthday, my birthday,
is my worst day"
I'm in an unusual position right now. Well, not so much unusual as one that I have not been in for quite a while. There is no girl at the moment who has 'caught my eye', who I feel sufficiently, hopelessly, in indolent idolation with. In other words, I neither have a girl, nor have a girl in mind.
It's not a pleasant situation really. For both good and ill it reveals the hole in my life that has existed all my life. The brief, biting flares of physical assurance have done little to close the gap between my old beliefs and my desire for knowing the reality of relationships. I want to want someone, and perhaps for a change have it be in kind.
I know I'm still too shy, too afraid to put myself out there. In fact, too afraid to reach beyond the circle and find someone new.
I'll never feel less than lucky to have the friends I have, but friendship is love of a different flavour to the passion-tinged kiss, the clutching embrace that holds the heart.
I spoke with Fi of sex a little while ago, and it was interesting to discuss something from two very differently informed views. I do not want to divest sex and physical passion of all meaning, but at the same time I am aware that the longer this isolation continues the greater an issue it will become, both as an awareness of delayed development and as a knot of preconceptions. While mentally I am much different from that shy child who came to LVS, there is little better to bind thought fast than through deeds done.
I must do, as well as think, so I can have experience beyond theory alone.
Anyway, aside from this I am doing well. I just feel a little lonely really, and I'm tired of that. I've been a little lonely for a long time.