i am resolute: i have to grow up.

v. depressing telephone conversation last night with my boy (boyfriend type, all the love, but no sex) where he told me how worried he was about me. anybody else and i would have told them to shove it up their asses. but this man is different. i would cover myself in bees if he wanted me to.

somehow we got into the conversation of my "extracurricular acitivities" (read: drinking, sex with random men). he's always teased me about it, thinks it quite funny actually, that at any given moment i could be having sex without him. but last night he asked me if i would be happy just being with him. my answer:

the history behind our relationship is really confusing, and i daren't get into the whole mess right now. but basically: girl likes boy. boy likes girl. feelings are suppressed. girl sees boy with another girl. girl lets feelings flow like a river of guilt. so does boy. culminating in v. mixed emotions where both are afraid to act upon it.

that about bring us to now. perhaps i'm wrong to call him my boy, but short of the sex thing, our relationship is pretty much there. so you see, until it is verified, i continue to find other men to fill my bed and my sexual desire until he chooses to do so.

anyways.

my girl and i have decided to relax, stop going out 4 times a week and waking up next to some nameless cock. we've decided to "grow up". as we both have men who want our undivided attention, and deserve it.

i just hope he's worth it.