Rant ahead - use caution.
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It took four days for my mood to change from pleasant and optimistic to angry and foul.
With the job situation finally sorted out (more or less), I was hoping that everything would start to look up and go my way for a bit. Sure I was going to struggle for a few months, but after it would al be okay. I could finally get out to the 'States and see Rachel, see my friends more and generally just get on with my life. Plus, living in a new place was like a new start for me, as silly as that was. I think it was needed, I fell into a rut at home, a comfort zone that allowed me to become lazy.
I found out that the rent is going to be more than I first thought, enough to have me on 45 hour weeks in that God forsaken bar, every week. I can manage that. It'd be hard and I'll most likely be too tired to talk to my GF all the time afterwards, but I could deal.
Then she came back from Holiday.
Someone's filled her head with all kinds of poison. She thinks I'm not grateful for what she does for me, and her efforts into getting out to see me first. She's got it in her head that I'm leading her on and that I would never have made it out there, job or no job. Her friends don't help matters, accusing me of using her and hurting her feelings for my own enjoyment. That made me sick to my stomach. I detest that kinda of behaviour from anyone to anyone, and to hear it directed at me made me feel about >this< big.
My health has been in a decline too this week, with the humidity keeping my asthma up and my sleep down, making me a coughing wheezing bag of grumpiness.
I was really trying recently to stay upbeat and just plow on through, without getting pulled down with things, but I feel just completely overtaken by it all now. I just want to stop. Breaking up with Rachel is a horrid option to consider, but when even she doubts commitment and amount of effort put in, I see it becoming a viable thing.
I'm tired, ill, gripped by pangs of isolation and just...Wanting to have it all just fix itself. I'm bored of trying. I'm doing something wrong, as anyone else would have figured it all out by now.
The only thing keeping my head above water is my best friend Millie. She's an angel, one of those friends you want for life. She gets married soon, and moves down to Cardiff. Not the other side of the planet, but far enough to reduce our friendship to special occasions and holidays. I'm really going to miss her.
Ugh, I'm just gonna stop here now. For some reason writing this all down has helped alittle, but boy am I tired now.
Have a better week all.
Pokomo
---
It took four days for my mood to change from pleasant and optimistic to angry and foul.
With the job situation finally sorted out (more or less), I was hoping that everything would start to look up and go my way for a bit. Sure I was going to struggle for a few months, but after it would al be okay. I could finally get out to the 'States and see Rachel, see my friends more and generally just get on with my life. Plus, living in a new place was like a new start for me, as silly as that was. I think it was needed, I fell into a rut at home, a comfort zone that allowed me to become lazy.
I found out that the rent is going to be more than I first thought, enough to have me on 45 hour weeks in that God forsaken bar, every week. I can manage that. It'd be hard and I'll most likely be too tired to talk to my GF all the time afterwards, but I could deal.
Then she came back from Holiday.
Someone's filled her head with all kinds of poison. She thinks I'm not grateful for what she does for me, and her efforts into getting out to see me first. She's got it in her head that I'm leading her on and that I would never have made it out there, job or no job. Her friends don't help matters, accusing me of using her and hurting her feelings for my own enjoyment. That made me sick to my stomach. I detest that kinda of behaviour from anyone to anyone, and to hear it directed at me made me feel about >this< big.
My health has been in a decline too this week, with the humidity keeping my asthma up and my sleep down, making me a coughing wheezing bag of grumpiness.
I was really trying recently to stay upbeat and just plow on through, without getting pulled down with things, but I feel just completely overtaken by it all now. I just want to stop. Breaking up with Rachel is a horrid option to consider, but when even she doubts commitment and amount of effort put in, I see it becoming a viable thing.
I'm tired, ill, gripped by pangs of isolation and just...Wanting to have it all just fix itself. I'm bored of trying. I'm doing something wrong, as anyone else would have figured it all out by now.
The only thing keeping my head above water is my best friend Millie. She's an angel, one of those friends you want for life. She gets married soon, and moves down to Cardiff. Not the other side of the planet, but far enough to reduce our friendship to special occasions and holidays. I'm really going to miss her.
Ugh, I'm just gonna stop here now. For some reason writing this all down has helped alittle, but boy am I tired now.
Have a better week all.
Pokomo