pokes

I haven't enjoyed a birthday in 4 yrs. Why should this one be any different? I tell myself i have no right to get angry and upset at my friends when they forget my b-day but that doesn't stop me from feeling like shit. Having had ppl throw me parties and taken an interest in showing me a great time when i was younger makes it all the worse. It used to be the case that i didn't have to do anything but get a yr older and suddenly i was kidknapped by my best friends who would liquor me up, give me gifts, and generally show me an indulgent time. Now, i'm lucky if anyone remembers my b-day of their own accord and the ppl whom i mention it to a week or two in advance innevitably call me up days late, if at all, to wish me a happy b-day and nothing else. No take me out, no show me a good time, no give me gifts. No. I am merely a forgotten social obligation. Something to inflict guilt upon upon others; someone to invoke pity. Is it any wonder that april 12th is my personal contemplate suicide day?
I even have the misfortune of being at odds with my closest relative right now which makes having a low-key evening with someone who cares as much abotu me as i about them a practical impossiblilty. I swear, as a gift to myself i am going to make a serious attempt at adopting budhism if only as a means to dispense with my sporadic unhappiness. After all, if i didn't want to have a b-day, i wouldn't be dissapointed to not have one. Anyways, be good to your friends.