poisonapple

well a few days later I'm over the bad part and ready to try again, got a load of new ideas that fall into their non-no-no's and i just need a babysitter now..lol well I plan to do some of them when she's with her dad for christmas..just need to get the bf on the ball and i look at it "ok, the contract is good for a year..gotta wait 3 months with each submission...so I got 4 more tries!..Also Might be i might be in Lousiana by march so that might do me some good, just might have to find a new photgrapher because all my fiance's family is there so I know he's gunna be busy...I just needed a day to be salty..but confidence has returned and looked at it as..I tried, I can say I tried, but I couldn't say I saw it through..giving up on the first try..goddamn my mom for instilling that "i don't wanna hear I can't" in me. I always hear that when I'm close to giving up..and if I gave up I'd be like a majority of people in this world...and I was watching tv and saw this model, she was beautiful and she said she spent most of her life being rejected by agencies....and I figured if she got rejected then I got to keep trying. My mom's speech or more so saying goes "i don't wanna hear 'I can't, I won't, I know you can and if you tried you would of done it!" I heard that while I was giving birth too, I was so tired I wanted to stop pushing, I was unable to breathe good...and I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere..but I heard that in my head and I got determind. I may be lazy at times but there's a part of me that won't ever give up and I like it and the more I believe it the more I want to suceed...yeah I have my moments of depression and self pity. More I get rejected the more I get restrained the more I wanna break free..thank you mom! That's such a great trait and the more I live and face the negitivity and the follies of life I say "grrr, bring it on!" more and more...maybe it has something to do with her being raised by a marine with the 'never say die..' attitude...lol My family is weird but great! Hope all the aspires can find their 'gung-ho' and a good idea, lighting and pose!! Oh yeah! I'm stoked, even if it's just to be rejected again!