playitloudmutha

In The Wake Of The Plague


Cut this throat too many times
Cut these wrists too many times

Charmed! Destroyed! Immortal!

Black eyes drenched in darkness
Suffering silently Echoing eternally

Charmed! Destroyed! Immortal!

Uneasy conscience, control implied
Intent morality, access denied

Charmed! Destroyed! Immortal!



I never knew what this song really meant when paul wrote it. i never really asked. i always figured it was either just cool sounding, or something really personal to him that wouldn't make as much sense to me as it does to him.

today i know what it means for me. i know too well what it fucking means.

everytime. evertime i stick my neck out for someone i get hurt. everytime i let go and give my heart to someone they break it. everytime i allow myself to think someone's my friend they stab me in the back. everytime i tell someone a secret in confidence they let the world know. and everytime i ask myself the same questions.

not anymore. everyone: consider the walls up and the doors locked until you open them. it's not hard, you can do it. i believe in you. if you can't, leave me the hell alone.

no. now, you all have to earn my trust before i give it to you. you have to prove your loyalty before i'll call you my friend. think i'll give my heart and soul away after everything they did to me? think again. give me some of yours and then we'll talk.

ps, this is not directed at any one person. it's an open letter to anyone who ever wants anything to do with me. i can't feel this way forever, something has to change for me. i need to be in control of my life again. i need to stop taking shelter in people who don't have the capacity to deal with a mind like mine and the ways my problems manifest. it's time to become the man i say i want to be. here goes nothin'.