pixieprincessa

Maybe it was a good thing that I took the train this morning and then had the chance to go back to sleep but I wonder which way I'd remember seeing the man who looked like my brother more- would it feel less like a dream if I hadn't gone back to sleep when I got home? Been seeing ghosts a lot recently, people who look like dead loved ones. theres this guy who lives in the neighborhood in which i work... he looks so much like my old boss, Larry, that it scares me. and i see this guy at least once a week. i know he knows who i am and probably feels self conscious around me because if someone reacted to me the way i did him, i'd be self conscious too. but the guy on the PATH today really fucked with me. jon and i were standing and the way we were standing, i was facing a guy who was facing his girlfriend. the guy looked just enough like Jed to bother me, enough to at one point bring me to tears. i put my head on Jon's shoulder but i think he just thought i was tired, didnt think i'd actually begun to cry. after my brother's memorial service, my oldest step brother [now known as bsb]came up to me (hes never really been part of our joined family before then) and held me in his arms and told me that "he isnt hurting anymore, he's happy now" (referring to my big bro) and told me that i still have a big brother (referring to himself) and gave me this big hug. i reciprocated and had to turn my head (which was originally in his chest) because i was gonna get a mess of snot, tears and makeup on his lovely suit. it was THE nicest, sweetest, thing he had ever said to me. before that, he'd never really made me feel like family. but in that moment, well, i cant say he became my big brother because nothing and no one will ever be able to fill that void, but he endeared himself to me in the only way he would ever have been able to, i think. and next weekend i'm supposed to meet his daughters, my nieces, for the first time ever. i'm aunt pixieprincessa and i've never had that title and i'm so nervous and so excited and so nervous and so scared and it really does feel like a biiiiiiiiigg change that i get a lot choked up every time i think about it (seriously, i do). i'm a little terrified of meeting them. i'm an aunt kinda, and i'm also a fuckup and i'm also dealing with the death of my big brother and i'm so happy my (step) sister is gonna be there with me because she IS my support system through this because she was just close enough to jed to mourn him but not so close that shes really really effected by it like i am. and i know that i can talk to her about my bsb because he's her big bro. and that i can talk to her about anything because she's been my sis since long before our parents got married. but i can talk to her about my stress regarding my nieces and what they really mean to me.
i think i'm talked out. i'll leave you with this tho: my brother, myself at 4ish, and my father...