pixieduzt

I need to stop staying up so late and ruminating in my thoughts. I get way too deep.

Why do I not know what I want right now? Some days I want to be attached to someone, other days I think to myself 'why would i want to be tied down when there is so much to do, and so many people to meet out there?' I already lost over two years of my life on on person who is so oblivious to anyone else other than himself right now that he wouldn't notice if i dropped dead. Why do I want that to happen again? I know I know... 'it was a learning experience'... blah blah blah. it was a waste of time, thats what it is. it was a charade (spelled that so wrong but oh well) and a dream that i was forced. I don't want to pass something good up, either because i'm taken or because i refuse to be taken....if that makes any sense. Why do I care so much about relationships? I've always been so preoccupied with my fucking relationship status all my life. Not so much that I need to be taken, just that I need to think things through soooooooo much. well, the one time I don't think it through I lose over two years of my life, i guess thats a good reason...maybe, maybe not.

I think I give off a "fuck off and die" vibe....maybe that is just me. I don't mean to give off such a vibe. I like people.... i just donno what to say sometimes and sometimes I flash really intense looks at people. they aren't mean looks, just intense. I'm an intense person...it happens sometimes.

In the past two days two different people have told me I seem really happy....or i put up a good front. i wonder. Sometimes I do feel like I am genuinely happy, other times I feel like something is missing...

Gah, my bank account says I'm negative....but I can't be....I just deposited a check friday, I don't get it. I hate banks. I hate bills. I hate responsibility.

I DO sound really sad in my journal posts huh? I'm not a sad person, like a said i was just told i seem really happy.... I just use this to bitch.

Remi (the guy I went to Boston over spring break to visit) is supposedly thinking of coming to visit cincy. I want to see him....we have chemistry....just nothing at all of substance in common, so sad. but for the best cuz if we were completely compatable who knows what would happen with him living in Boston and I here? Nothin....nothing would happen and that would make me sad if we were perfect for each other. luckily we are not....we are just dynamite in the sack, and that isn't a once in a lifetime thing at all. ANYWAYS....I just wanna cuddle FOR REALS right now! And he is so fucking cuddly! Thats why i brought it up....no real solid reason.....

hmmm..... There is this infomercial on for some R&B cd and the songs are makin me all reminicent of my younger days. lol I wanna DL all these songs. Yes Yes Yes, i know, I like R&B you are all disgusted by me now. lol whatev. I like an eclectic mix of music. Hate on me if you want but it makes me all mellow and kinda horny. lol

I have fallen outta communication with just about EVERYONE lately! I'm so sorry! Work and scgoolwork has me all tripped up. meh....

I need some serious ego stroking methinks. I'm so high matenience lately it seems. I hate it. Alright, I'm done cuz no one is gonna read this anyways and if you have, I apologise for taking precious minutes of your life that you will never get back. my fault.

bah....ok bye.