Ok, so here comes a big 'ole rant from the depths of my Myspace blog. You don't have to read it but I think this is one of my most personal journal entries ever, so I thought I'd share it with ya'll too.
It seems I am still trying to remember who I am. How could I let myself get so entrenched in someone else that it is this hard for me to find who I was/am as an individual?! My beliefs, My interests, My ideas.....why can't I remember who I was before it wasn't me anymore, it was "we"? This must be the hardest part of the break up process after so long. I know, I am still talking about this dumbass break up but, hey...I'm not sad...I've moved on....I just have to find me again. What makes ME happy? Its weird to think of only me again. But definately nice.
What makes Vicki happy:
My attitude - I can be a bitch, and I pride myself on that. Sure, sometimes I am a bitch to those who don't deserve it and sometimes I'm not a bitch to someone who does....but no one is perfect. I lost my zing when I was dating him....I mellowed out sooooo much, which was dumb because my zing, my attitude, my personality is what he fell for so I can't blame him for falling out of love with me, I wasn't really "me" much at the end of it. Everyone noticed it except me. But that is what I am working on the hardest. I am getting my personality back, my crazy, wild, "I can do anything I want because I am me and I am great" attitude is returning slowly but surely. I used to take charge of a situation...if i wanted something I'd go get it, especially if that something was someone. I used to love me, and now I am beginning to once again. You know why? Because I'm the effin bomb!
piercings - the biggest thing I gave up being with him. I loved my nipple rings, yet I took them out because he didn't like them and owuldn't go near them.... retard! Well, now I have them back and I am loving them once again. Once I get my tax return I plan on getting a vertical labret, nose ring, and perhaps my eyebrow done again although that didn't really heal well last time. I've also been playing with the idea of a vertical clit hood piercing......very back and forth with this. I've heard nothing but praise for this piercing but I don't want my most precious body part to hurt, not for long at least
Going out and making an ass of myself - I love going out and being a retard with my friends! I love to be loud and a little obnoxious sometimes. I like to wear outfits that are a little out there....sing and dance in the middle of a restaurant....flirt from across the room.....shake my ass when i'm at the club.....grind on people when i'm at the club...hell if you're cute why not?
Long drives - on my trip to Lexington I found that I like to be in the car for long periods of time BY MYSELF. I knew I liked car rides but being all alone gives you time to think and sing loud and shake your ass in your seat while going 85 on I-75 north....I love it!
Making out - ok, so....sex without kissing SUCKS! I can't do it anymore. If I can't make out with you I am not going to fuck you. I just can't do it. And if you can't be a goddamn man and figure out what it is that makes me hot why would I wanna get with you? If you can't get me hot in my clothes what makes me think you are going to do any better when i am out of them?! It just makes no sense to me why some 21 year old men, or older even, cannot find a clit with a magnifying glass and a road map!
Being swept off my feet - I like it when someone lets me know they are interested....I hate guessing. I don't like being kissed on the first date when I was obviously not feeling you the whole time but, hey, some guys get the signals mixed up...whatever. But meeting someone that gives you butterflies! Oh My God! Someone that has the WORLD in common with me. Someone who likes the same kind of music, the same type of comedy, has seen the same retarded online skits I have peed myself over on numerous occasions....THAT....that I love! Kissing someone and getting that feeling like you never want this moment to end, that I love and missed so much. That feeling when you just wanna kiss that person for the rest of eternity. I love being swept away.
Attention - Yes, I am an attention whore. Its all about me and you just have to deal with that. I like it when people compliment me, and pay attention to me, and hang on every word I say, and can participate in intelligent conversation. I hate guys who "play it cool", guys who never want to let you know they care. Those kind of guys need not apply. I've had enough ofthat to last a lifetime. I want to know you care. I want to know you think about me. I want to know you think I'm pretty. Because I will tell you all these things and I am not down with being made to look like a fool.
My roommates - I love my roommates. I get along with them amazingly well and we have a blast. They tell me the truth about everything....me mostly....but I need that. And if I invite you over and you are rude to my roommates, you are as good as dead. If I thought you good enough to meet my roommates and you fuck up, I'm done. If they don't like you there is no future. Its their house too.
My cat - Sammich....what can I say? He is the only man I need in my life. I lived 3 months without him and never knew how much I missed him until I got him back. He sleeps with me nightly, either at my feet or cuddling wit me in my arms. He greets me when I come home. He keeps me company while I study. He makes me happy in general and I love him to pieces. Thank you Andre for giving him to me. I appreciate it and it is the best gift you've ever given me.
It seems I am still trying to remember who I am. How could I let myself get so entrenched in someone else that it is this hard for me to find who I was/am as an individual?! My beliefs, My interests, My ideas.....why can't I remember who I was before it wasn't me anymore, it was "we"? This must be the hardest part of the break up process after so long. I know, I am still talking about this dumbass break up but, hey...I'm not sad...I've moved on....I just have to find me again. What makes ME happy? Its weird to think of only me again. But definately nice.
What makes Vicki happy:
My attitude - I can be a bitch, and I pride myself on that. Sure, sometimes I am a bitch to those who don't deserve it and sometimes I'm not a bitch to someone who does....but no one is perfect. I lost my zing when I was dating him....I mellowed out sooooo much, which was dumb because my zing, my attitude, my personality is what he fell for so I can't blame him for falling out of love with me, I wasn't really "me" much at the end of it. Everyone noticed it except me. But that is what I am working on the hardest. I am getting my personality back, my crazy, wild, "I can do anything I want because I am me and I am great" attitude is returning slowly but surely. I used to take charge of a situation...if i wanted something I'd go get it, especially if that something was someone. I used to love me, and now I am beginning to once again. You know why? Because I'm the effin bomb!
piercings - the biggest thing I gave up being with him. I loved my nipple rings, yet I took them out because he didn't like them and owuldn't go near them.... retard! Well, now I have them back and I am loving them once again. Once I get my tax return I plan on getting a vertical labret, nose ring, and perhaps my eyebrow done again although that didn't really heal well last time. I've also been playing with the idea of a vertical clit hood piercing......very back and forth with this. I've heard nothing but praise for this piercing but I don't want my most precious body part to hurt, not for long at least
Going out and making an ass of myself - I love going out and being a retard with my friends! I love to be loud and a little obnoxious sometimes. I like to wear outfits that are a little out there....sing and dance in the middle of a restaurant....flirt from across the room.....shake my ass when i'm at the club.....grind on people when i'm at the club...hell if you're cute why not?
Long drives - on my trip to Lexington I found that I like to be in the car for long periods of time BY MYSELF. I knew I liked car rides but being all alone gives you time to think and sing loud and shake your ass in your seat while going 85 on I-75 north....I love it!
Making out - ok, so....sex without kissing SUCKS! I can't do it anymore. If I can't make out with you I am not going to fuck you. I just can't do it. And if you can't be a goddamn man and figure out what it is that makes me hot why would I wanna get with you? If you can't get me hot in my clothes what makes me think you are going to do any better when i am out of them?! It just makes no sense to me why some 21 year old men, or older even, cannot find a clit with a magnifying glass and a road map!
Being swept off my feet - I like it when someone lets me know they are interested....I hate guessing. I don't like being kissed on the first date when I was obviously not feeling you the whole time but, hey, some guys get the signals mixed up...whatever. But meeting someone that gives you butterflies! Oh My God! Someone that has the WORLD in common with me. Someone who likes the same kind of music, the same type of comedy, has seen the same retarded online skits I have peed myself over on numerous occasions....THAT....that I love! Kissing someone and getting that feeling like you never want this moment to end, that I love and missed so much. That feeling when you just wanna kiss that person for the rest of eternity. I love being swept away.
Attention - Yes, I am an attention whore. Its all about me and you just have to deal with that. I like it when people compliment me, and pay attention to me, and hang on every word I say, and can participate in intelligent conversation. I hate guys who "play it cool", guys who never want to let you know they care. Those kind of guys need not apply. I've had enough ofthat to last a lifetime. I want to know you care. I want to know you think about me. I want to know you think I'm pretty. Because I will tell you all these things and I am not down with being made to look like a fool.
My roommates - I love my roommates. I get along with them amazingly well and we have a blast. They tell me the truth about everything....me mostly....but I need that. And if I invite you over and you are rude to my roommates, you are as good as dead. If I thought you good enough to meet my roommates and you fuck up, I'm done. If they don't like you there is no future. Its their house too.
My cat - Sammich....what can I say? He is the only man I need in my life. I lived 3 months without him and never knew how much I missed him until I got him back. He sleeps with me nightly, either at my feet or cuddling wit me in my arms. He greets me when I come home. He keeps me company while I study. He makes me happy in general and I love him to pieces. Thank you Andre for giving him to me. I appreciate it and it is the best gift you've ever given me.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
deviant420:
There is no way we would/could replace you 
rhyzz17:
something very similar happened to me a long time ago. I gave up a lot of myself while dating someone, and ended up so lost that even today I'm not sure if I've got all the pieces in their places (this happened over 2 years ago). Things are a lot better now, but I always wonder why it all happened the way it did.