Hey hey kids

Don't you just love music? There I was feeling all down when hey presto some old school tunes brightened my mood with memories Unfortunately its moved on to something that provides not so joly memories Nuts.

Its strange how despite being completely detached from my emotions and reality, that the same song as made me cry when i was 9 can still do the same.

My mates in Texas for 3 months... wave if you see him. I'll miss the tit.

So to my life:

It comes in two parts.

Part A

I get up, I make breakfast... I go to work. I lie to people about who I am, and try hide the real me as much as possible.

I come home... I wait to go to bed.

I sleep.

Part B

Its Friday, I try and find and excuse not to see her. I get bullied/emotionally raped into going to see her. I pretend to be happy... this makes her happy and stops her making Part A of my life a living nightmare.

I give her money to feed herself/home herself. She moans at me for being selfish, putting others first.... so I put myself down that list a little further and retreat a little more into my soul.

I come home. I write in my journal. I realise that all the progress I made, that took months of soul searching, sleepless nights and thinking of what I want has been lost.... and I'm back to where I was 24 months, but a little more shy and coy... more of a nancy boy.

Congratulations, you're the first person to know the truth. Now excuse me while I enter my bubble and ignore reality for one more week.

Any yes I know this is all a waste of life and a really bad idea. But I'm the guy whose there for everyone else... but not for myself. I'm weak and i hate that about me... but I love other things and I still have hope that one day I'll be doing just fine.

Hope is important

I was Me A and Me B... goodnight

xx