taking this great medication. its supposed to make me less angry. i'm still angry. now, its a sardonic humor. now its only eating with the knowledge that i'll probably throw most of it up. now its being so thirsty i can drink 3 gallons of skim milk in one day.
let me back up. i have a customer service job. 40 hours a week i deal with uptight, self-important yuppie/hippies who think its cool to bark at the nice smiling girl who serves them coffee. my mom has always called me "a little dark humored" this has morphed into being horribly angry and depressed every time i have to spend even 5 seconds thinking about work. i have a "supervisory" position so i have to fake happy alot. so its taking its toll.
so now to present day. i go to the psychiatrist. "help me, i just dont want to cry every day anymore, just make me numb so it doesnt matter how mean they are to me no matter how much i try" he says "you're manic-depressive, just like your mother, here take this"
so i do, and now, there is no eating, only being nauseous. there is no sleeping, only crying until i pass out, or dancing until i'm so tired i cant stand up anymore. it really makes me wonder. why the fuck i asked for help in the first place. i've always been able to tough it through before. why be a baby now?
my dad always told me that crying was for babies, that if i wanted to be the coolest kid ever i had to never cry. so i never did. when i was 5, i broke both bones in my lower arm, didnt shed a tear. stepped on a rusty nail when i was 8, i just sat down, pulled it out, and took the board home with me because somehow that made sense. when i was 13 and i stitched my own shin. when i was 16 and Teara died, no one saw me cry for any of those things. now i've suddenly become this weak child thing.
maybe i should go hang out with my dad. i havent seen him in over a month. usually when i cry he gets mad at me and says "dont start that fucking shit you're fucking stronger and smarter than that, dont just sit there and cry. get up and do something about it." and i feel stupid but it helps.
anyways. sorry for being super pouty and all about my own misery today.
let me back up. i have a customer service job. 40 hours a week i deal with uptight, self-important yuppie/hippies who think its cool to bark at the nice smiling girl who serves them coffee. my mom has always called me "a little dark humored" this has morphed into being horribly angry and depressed every time i have to spend even 5 seconds thinking about work. i have a "supervisory" position so i have to fake happy alot. so its taking its toll.
so now to present day. i go to the psychiatrist. "help me, i just dont want to cry every day anymore, just make me numb so it doesnt matter how mean they are to me no matter how much i try" he says "you're manic-depressive, just like your mother, here take this"
so i do, and now, there is no eating, only being nauseous. there is no sleeping, only crying until i pass out, or dancing until i'm so tired i cant stand up anymore. it really makes me wonder. why the fuck i asked for help in the first place. i've always been able to tough it through before. why be a baby now?
my dad always told me that crying was for babies, that if i wanted to be the coolest kid ever i had to never cry. so i never did. when i was 5, i broke both bones in my lower arm, didnt shed a tear. stepped on a rusty nail when i was 8, i just sat down, pulled it out, and took the board home with me because somehow that made sense. when i was 13 and i stitched my own shin. when i was 16 and Teara died, no one saw me cry for any of those things. now i've suddenly become this weak child thing.
maybe i should go hang out with my dad. i havent seen him in over a month. usually when i cry he gets mad at me and says "dont start that fucking shit you're fucking stronger and smarter than that, dont just sit there and cry. get up and do something about it." and i feel stupid but it helps.
anyways. sorry for being super pouty and all about my own misery today.
I work at Best Buy, big super happy electronics funhouse of doom.
There I must always be smiley and try to pimp their stupid service plans and sell things to people, even when they don't want it.
I don't want to be smiley. I hate it. *Le sigh*
Makes me want to...um..*refer to my journal.* It all makes sense there.
(X)_(x)
Hang in there though, like I totally feel you on the shit-stained aspect of life right now too. But I just...ohhh soo optimistically think...this can't/willn't be forever.