so easy to be held captive by finances in a town that i hate.
so hard to find freedom within myself and the strength to perservere (sp?) despite everyone telling you what you should and should not do.
in other news, my aikido classes are making me feel great about myself, yet more depressed about the state of the world.
i've been having really vivid nightmares lately. i'm always some sort of badass relentless do-gooder. there is always a little girl that looks like my fiance when he was 10 (he's really pretty) i can always see her big brown eyes shining at me when i rescue her from some sort of peril. but then when it goes bad and i dont complete my misson or my alarm goes off and distracts me in my dream she gets shot in the head. the crimson blood spills over her face and into her eyes and i'm helpless. i wake up with her accusing sorrow overshadowing my helplessness and the rest of my day is shitty.
i've always had vivid dreams. i've always been the savior, always the strong one. lately they've turned into failure, funny enough right when i was pretty sure i was getting my life together. i used to feel justified when crying, now i feel silly. there is seemingly nothing wrong in my world that im not already working on fixing. so why these dreams? sometimes i get shot too.
is this the fear that my brother lived with until he was shot twice in the side/back while napping by someone he trusted? he used to have dreams of being shot. now i'm having them. the little girl i think represents my daughter. will i fail her? am i just being paranoid? am i wrong to assume i'd be a good mother? will i always be stuck in a pattern of depression that despite my best efforts to modify the way i think about the world never goes away?
i have good days, and bad days. usually i keep myself on a really even keel and no one seems to notice when there is something wrong within me because i'm good at building invisible walls.
i've been told by my close friends that all these feelings are unfounded. i will be a good mother, i am a bright and vivacious intelligent person like i've always been driven to become. they all say i'm the strongest person they know.
if this is true how come i feel so weak and behind inside? i've always known that i dont always live in reality but i really hate feeling weak in any way.
diagnosed with arthritic knees at 14, carpal tunnel wrists at 18, sick during my entire childhood, severe bipolar disorder at 19. i've been unmedicated and in pain but no one seems to notice because i'm so good at putting up indiscernable walls to keep them out. i dont want them to notice but i do kind of wish someone could go through my brain for me and sort all of this out. i want to cry right now but i'm not sad,
i want to sort this out so i dont feel this way all the time, or often but i also just want to get stoned and laugh at everything. lately the melancholy has been following me into stoner world too which kind of bothers me.
mostly, i just want to figure myself out.
that was more than i wanted to share but i guess i needed to.
much love, frag
so hard to find freedom within myself and the strength to perservere (sp?) despite everyone telling you what you should and should not do.
in other news, my aikido classes are making me feel great about myself, yet more depressed about the state of the world.
i've been having really vivid nightmares lately. i'm always some sort of badass relentless do-gooder. there is always a little girl that looks like my fiance when he was 10 (he's really pretty) i can always see her big brown eyes shining at me when i rescue her from some sort of peril. but then when it goes bad and i dont complete my misson or my alarm goes off and distracts me in my dream she gets shot in the head. the crimson blood spills over her face and into her eyes and i'm helpless. i wake up with her accusing sorrow overshadowing my helplessness and the rest of my day is shitty.
i've always had vivid dreams. i've always been the savior, always the strong one. lately they've turned into failure, funny enough right when i was pretty sure i was getting my life together. i used to feel justified when crying, now i feel silly. there is seemingly nothing wrong in my world that im not already working on fixing. so why these dreams? sometimes i get shot too.
is this the fear that my brother lived with until he was shot twice in the side/back while napping by someone he trusted? he used to have dreams of being shot. now i'm having them. the little girl i think represents my daughter. will i fail her? am i just being paranoid? am i wrong to assume i'd be a good mother? will i always be stuck in a pattern of depression that despite my best efforts to modify the way i think about the world never goes away?
i have good days, and bad days. usually i keep myself on a really even keel and no one seems to notice when there is something wrong within me because i'm good at building invisible walls.
i've been told by my close friends that all these feelings are unfounded. i will be a good mother, i am a bright and vivacious intelligent person like i've always been driven to become. they all say i'm the strongest person they know.
if this is true how come i feel so weak and behind inside? i've always known that i dont always live in reality but i really hate feeling weak in any way.
diagnosed with arthritic knees at 14, carpal tunnel wrists at 18, sick during my entire childhood, severe bipolar disorder at 19. i've been unmedicated and in pain but no one seems to notice because i'm so good at putting up indiscernable walls to keep them out. i dont want them to notice but i do kind of wish someone could go through my brain for me and sort all of this out. i want to cry right now but i'm not sad,
i want to sort this out so i dont feel this way all the time, or often but i also just want to get stoned and laugh at everything. lately the melancholy has been following me into stoner world too which kind of bothers me.
mostly, i just want to figure myself out.
that was more than i wanted to share but i guess i needed to.
much love, frag