pissed

I fucking miss my bff & I just can't stop crying today. Last night I had a dream about her-she was sick & went to lay down in her bed-I followed her & said "what are you doing??" she said she didn't feel well-her finger tips were blue. I grabbed her & put her in this kayak because we were by this river & apparently that was all I had. I couldn't paddle fast enough. She kept laughin & saying "why are you so worried??"...I just couldn't tell her that I had travelled back in time to save her & if I didn't get her to a hospital fast, she'd die. Then I woke up. I was doin alright for the past couple weeks, you know trying to be positive, 'she's in a better place', 'at least she didn't suffer', 'she wouldn't want us to be sad'... But FUCK THAT!! I'm so fucking angry right now-I want to scream at the sky that IT'S NOT FAIR!, I want to make a deal with the devil & bring her back...I guess this would be one of the stages of grief & it was bound to come around sooner or later, no matter how much alcohol & T&A I threw it's way....just bondo for the wound....but fuck this hurts & I miss my bff yo. It wasn't supposed to go down this way.