pirra

christ, some people's roommates are neurotic bitches
there is snow on the ground and i don't think i could leave this room
and try to skirt past their passive aggressive stares
i did not fuck ben, only because it seemed like more bullshit to me
though i get the distinct feeling or actually i just know
that i could
the sickness that is monogomy has finally hit
i am, well you know.
which is pretty cool except then he left and fucked that girl that talks to him still everyday and her faces are all over the place
my mind is hungry but my stomach rebels . . . i try very hard not to think about why this is.
when i was alone, i went clinical. . . when i did sleep i had nightmares that were the truth. . . babies and girls and a boy. . . i walked around like a zombie and tried not to forget who i was and remember to go to work and talk to people like everything was fine. my mind was just different levels of hell at once. no one is worth that, i don't care who the fuck you are and with who your loyalties lie. sometimes, i get so angry at this bullsit that i can't breath.

i really, really need to shower, and shave.
looking at naked girls on this computer is like sex with a condom.
for the first time in my life, i don't have a best friend. . .
my first best friend is married- grade school
my second turned conservative- high school
my third is in california and i don't even know if i ever liked her or was just in love with her- college
the fourth i live with and cannot stand to be around

talking to ben is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane, we talk about the past and the present and we don't have to lie to each other because we're not fucking.

Ben- some bullshit sexist remark
Amanda- i hate you
Ben- i love you
Amanda- what is the difference
tyler- you're turning emo aren't you.

i will end with a quote:
" it sometimes feels good to be alone, but it never felt right".