Here it guys, don't hate me, you asked for it!
There once was a man named Juan. Juan was a poor South American farmer who lived in a small village. Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beat his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard.
Now one day Juan was working in his fields when heard of the death of the beloved mayor his small village. The Village elders were having a tough time coming up with names of people that should replace the dead guy, when all of a sudden someone mentioned Juan. They all thought about it for a momentya know Juan is a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. All the elders agreed that Juan would make and excellent mayor and they quickly nominated him. Well when the townspeople of the village heard of Juans nomination they were thrilled. After all Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So when the elections were held Juan won in a landslide. As Mayor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated, and crime just plain stopped happening. People were happy, business was good, and all the farmers had a bumper crop that year. Even Juan, who went home every weekend to work his fields, had a great harvest.
Word of Juans job as Mayor had spread through the province. His tale had been told over and over. So of course when the Governor gets recalled Juan gets talked into throwing his hat into the ring. He won easily. He was running against a midget, a donkey and a village idiot. And after all Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beat his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So the people knew hed make a good governor. As Governor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment was down 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime just stopped. The province had a banner year for the crops, even Juan who went home every weekend to work in his fields.
Well as is wont to happen in these times the poor President of this nation was assassinated. The revolutionaries that took over promised to hold elections and they actually did. Of course they had heard about Juans job as governor and that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So they let his name be on the ballot. And it was not too big a surprised when he won. After all it was not just the revolutionaries who hard heard of Juan and what a great governor he was. The little people of this country had heard Juan tales and knew that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. It is easy to see that after Juan was elected the revolutionaries had to let him serve. Its easy to see Juan as being a successful President, and he was. In fact he kicked ass as President. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime just plain stopped happening. Everything was going well for this nation. And yes. Every weekend Juan would go home and work in his field.
Around this time tensions were getting high in various flash points around the world. It was looking quite seriously that World War III was going to be breaking out soon. But before any hostilities occurred Juan was asked to step in and mediate the peace talks. Because by this time the whole world knew of the job Juan had done as President. They knew also that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. Juan did successfully negotiate peace in each and every theater of conflict. Making sure that War did not happen, and as his reward he was elected Secretary General of the United Nations. As Secretary General, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime, well crime just stopped. Diseases were cured, like cancer, HIV, and tuberculosis. The world was less polluted and people were all fed. And each weekend Juan went home to work in his fields.
Juan was doing such a great job that the aliens who watch over earth constantly and track our development became interested in Juan. They said to themselves, ya know that Juan is a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. You see the aliens needed a new Intergalactic Emperor. And it was custom to search all the inhabited planets for the best leader. And it was easy to see that Juan was Earths best leader, ever. So they ask Juan to go visit the intergalactic council to see if he would be a fit emperor. As Juan stood before the council they saw all they needed to see. They saw that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. They quickly anointed him Emperor of the entire Universe. As Intergalactic Emperor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated, and crime, well, crime just plain stopped happening. Everyone loved Juan.
Well one day Juan was standing on the balcony of his Imperial estate watching his aardvark hunt for ants in the grass below. Wander Wander Sluuuuurrrrp, Wander Wander sluuuuuuurrrrrp. Wander Wander sluuuuurrrrp. You cannot imagine the stress one is under when one is the emperor of the entire universe. The stress combined with all that slurping made Juan snap. He ran downstairs, ran out to the lawn and beat the aardvark silly!!! Well one of the most basic principles of the empire was that local laws and custom always took precedence over any galactic law. And the most basic and important custom of Juans home country was that aardvarks are sacred. It soooooo against the law to hurt aardvarks that anyone caught doing so must be put do death immediately. So Juan was flown back to his home country where he was put before the firing squad.
Juan stood before the firing squad. Blinfolded. With a cigarette hanging from his lips. The general got his men ready. READY! They aimed. AIM! And just before they fire the aardvark rushes out with a golf gun.
What the hell is a golf gun you are asking? To be honest I have no idea what a golf gun is. All I know is that aardvark made a hole in Juan.
There once was a man named Juan. Juan was a poor South American farmer who lived in a small village. Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beat his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard.
Now one day Juan was working in his fields when heard of the death of the beloved mayor his small village. The Village elders were having a tough time coming up with names of people that should replace the dead guy, when all of a sudden someone mentioned Juan. They all thought about it for a momentya know Juan is a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. All the elders agreed that Juan would make and excellent mayor and they quickly nominated him. Well when the townspeople of the village heard of Juans nomination they were thrilled. After all Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So when the elections were held Juan won in a landslide. As Mayor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated, and crime just plain stopped happening. People were happy, business was good, and all the farmers had a bumper crop that year. Even Juan, who went home every weekend to work his fields, had a great harvest.
Word of Juans job as Mayor had spread through the province. His tale had been told over and over. So of course when the Governor gets recalled Juan gets talked into throwing his hat into the ring. He won easily. He was running against a midget, a donkey and a village idiot. And after all Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beat his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So the people knew hed make a good governor. As Governor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment was down 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime just stopped. The province had a banner year for the crops, even Juan who went home every weekend to work in his fields.
Well as is wont to happen in these times the poor President of this nation was assassinated. The revolutionaries that took over promised to hold elections and they actually did. Of course they had heard about Juans job as governor and that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. So they let his name be on the ballot. And it was not too big a surprised when he won. After all it was not just the revolutionaries who hard heard of Juan and what a great governor he was. The little people of this country had heard Juan tales and knew that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. It is easy to see that after Juan was elected the revolutionaries had to let him serve. Its easy to see Juan as being a successful President, and he was. In fact he kicked ass as President. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime just plain stopped happening. Everything was going well for this nation. And yes. Every weekend Juan would go home and work in his field.
Around this time tensions were getting high in various flash points around the world. It was looking quite seriously that World War III was going to be breaking out soon. But before any hostilities occurred Juan was asked to step in and mediate the peace talks. Because by this time the whole world knew of the job Juan had done as President. They knew also that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. Juan did successfully negotiate peace in each and every theater of conflict. Making sure that War did not happen, and as his reward he was elected Secretary General of the United Nations. As Secretary General, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated and crime, well crime just stopped. Diseases were cured, like cancer, HIV, and tuberculosis. The world was less polluted and people were all fed. And each weekend Juan went home to work in his fields.
Juan was doing such a great job that the aliens who watch over earth constantly and track our development became interested in Juan. They said to themselves, ya know that Juan is a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. You see the aliens needed a new Intergalactic Emperor. And it was custom to search all the inhabited planets for the best leader. And it was easy to see that Juan was Earths best leader, ever. So they ask Juan to go visit the intergalactic council to see if he would be a fit emperor. As Juan stood before the council they saw all they needed to see. They saw that Juan was a good man, an honest man, a hard working man, and he never beats his wife, his kids, or the aardvark in the back yard. They quickly anointed him Emperor of the entire Universe. As Intergalactic Emperor, Juan kicked ass. Unemployment fell by 80%, poverty was all but eliminated, and crime, well, crime just plain stopped happening. Everyone loved Juan.
Well one day Juan was standing on the balcony of his Imperial estate watching his aardvark hunt for ants in the grass below. Wander Wander Sluuuuurrrrp, Wander Wander sluuuuuuurrrrrp. Wander Wander sluuuuurrrrp. You cannot imagine the stress one is under when one is the emperor of the entire universe. The stress combined with all that slurping made Juan snap. He ran downstairs, ran out to the lawn and beat the aardvark silly!!! Well one of the most basic principles of the empire was that local laws and custom always took precedence over any galactic law. And the most basic and important custom of Juans home country was that aardvarks are sacred. It soooooo against the law to hurt aardvarks that anyone caught doing so must be put do death immediately. So Juan was flown back to his home country where he was put before the firing squad.
Juan stood before the firing squad. Blinfolded. With a cigarette hanging from his lips. The general got his men ready. READY! They aimed. AIM! And just before they fire the aardvark rushes out with a golf gun.
What the hell is a golf gun you are asking? To be honest I have no idea what a golf gun is. All I know is that aardvark made a hole in Juan.
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Keith used one of my questions also, made my fucking day, considering that hes one of my favorite authors..