Loneliness is something that I have always struggled with. I like to be alone because I feel more comfortable. When I am with other people I feel like I have to change who I am which becomes exhausting. The loneliness that I like isn't the one that I am currently feeling. The loneliness I am feeling is from lack of love. I am not talking about love from family or friends. Love from a special partner is what I am missing.
I have always been alone in this area of my life and it really hurts sometimes. It is already difficult for me to socialize with other people, so to socialize with someone I am attracted to is nearly impossible for me. I feel like I am not ready for any kind of relationship because I don't know who I am. How can I try and get to know someone else if I don't know who I am!
It sucks because love is something that I have always wanted since I was in Middle School. I would watch Romance movies and dream about how I would find the perfect girl for me. How we would fall madly in love with each other and we would do cute things with each other. Most movies are unrealistic about relationships, but it's the idea of being in love with someone that loves you just as much that makes me want it so bad. I have never had anyone love me like that and I feel empty inside. I feel like I am missing something. I feel this pit inside my stomach when I think about not having someone.
I am usually okay most of the days. I can get through the day without thinking about love and not having a girlfriend, but the days I do think about it are the loneliest for me. It scares me thinking that maybe I will never find it. Maybe I was meant to be alone my whole life. I know I am a good person. I have been told that I would be good in a relationship, so why hasn't it happened? Is it because I know I am not ready? Am I holding myself back? Maybe my expectations are too high?
I don't know...For now I guess I just have to live with it until I figure it out. Whatever IT is.