i feel like i spiraled almost completely out of control this week. i realize i've been rather cryptic in my previous 2 enteries about what it is that's been going on, but i don't really want to admit to what a bad shape i'm in at this point. none of us like to be thought of as 'weak', including me.
but fuck. i'm weak.
and i know that this, too, shall pass, like everything else does. but every once in a while, you think you might get stuck in this wretched moment forever.
i feel like i ruin everything. with some things, this is true. i need a hobby that does not include beating myself up over other people's short-comings. i need time. oh boy, do i ever need time. i don't have any, what with work and school and things of that nature.
my weeks rush by and i try to do so much. but i spread myself too thin and nothing gets done right. my sleeping pattern is fucked and will probably remain so until i'm done with this hellish job that i've grown to despise. my school work... well, i don't know, really. there's been no feedback. my social life is taking the hardest hit. i'm still doing things but it all seems so rushed and exhausting that i can't take real pleasure in most of it. teaching is awful, mostly. i have no energy for it. you need lots of energy to teach and lots of sleep too. it's hard to act, and that's all teaching is, i find.
is it any wonder, then, that i try and ease the stress through substances i shouldn't touch? at what point will all this balance out? does it ever balance? god i hope so.
i'm sorry for the emo rant. i just needed it.
p.s. where do you download your music from?
but fuck. i'm weak.
and i know that this, too, shall pass, like everything else does. but every once in a while, you think you might get stuck in this wretched moment forever.
i feel like i ruin everything. with some things, this is true. i need a hobby that does not include beating myself up over other people's short-comings. i need time. oh boy, do i ever need time. i don't have any, what with work and school and things of that nature.
my weeks rush by and i try to do so much. but i spread myself too thin and nothing gets done right. my sleeping pattern is fucked and will probably remain so until i'm done with this hellish job that i've grown to despise. my school work... well, i don't know, really. there's been no feedback. my social life is taking the hardest hit. i'm still doing things but it all seems so rushed and exhausting that i can't take real pleasure in most of it. teaching is awful, mostly. i have no energy for it. you need lots of energy to teach and lots of sleep too. it's hard to act, and that's all teaching is, i find.
is it any wonder, then, that i try and ease the stress through substances i shouldn't touch? at what point will all this balance out? does it ever balance? god i hope so.
i'm sorry for the emo rant. i just needed it.
p.s. where do you download your music from?
Thanks for the congrats.. I read all yours too, cryptic or not!
ps. I usually use Soulseek, or just get stuff from friends.
But it's ok cause I get to go away soon. I didn't mean that in a rubbing it in kind of way. But I think thats what you need. A vacation. Or at least just set aside a weekend that you can just relax and go out and have a good time. And not think about work and school.
Stop beating yourself up over everything.
Hope you feel better.
[Edited on Oct 30, 2004 12:58PM]