pillango

as much as I hate to use the "F" word

maybe it's just because
I was young then
that I can't find anybody now
as exciting as I once found
T.S. Eliot, Pound, D.H.
Lawrence, Cline, Fante,
Hem and Turgenev,
and all those others,
most of them still alive
when I first read them.

maybe it's because I've
lost that first thrill of
living my life that
nothing is as exciting anymore,
neither other writers nor the life.

maybe it's just because
I've been writing
too long
that I yearn again
for the old joy of
turning page after page
the words carrying me on
into
new areas of
risk and meaning.

now I'm just
an old dog
who drives his car
on the freeway
and takes out
the garbage.

being an old professional writer
possibly deadens the
pleasure of reading tohers.
or perhaps

the others are a threat
that one tries to keep
from one's consciousness?

most writers I know now
one praise safely
dead writers are writers who
are their friends or allies.
when I die I expect suddenly to become
much more popular with
other writers

and to those who are quick to praise me
then, I say it now: fuck
you.

- Charles Bukowski