Quick back story: early 2012 I enlisted into the Navy and then late 2012 I went to Boot Camp. Only stayed for a month and I was back home, not a Sailor as I wanted to be.
Now imagine being able to live your dream for a full 5 seconds before waking up and eating a month old egg sandwich. That was basically my life for all of 2013. I thought I was depressed before but I realized what I was feeling at the time was teenagism. My world was crushed and was spiraling outta control. Well...maybe I am being a little over dramtic. I mean, I didn't join a gang, snort who knows what, harm myself but I was on the verge of being an alcoholic ( I'll come back to that in a bit).
Life was unfair. My common thought was "there are people who are going to be in the Navy and just completely fuck up" and "I'm just a fuck up who couldn't tie my shoe without stepping in shit". Being my own worse enemy was terrifying because every time I looked in the mirror or got out of bed the day was already crap. Being a Sailor was/is a dream of mine and it was lost. School at the time didn't interest me. I was anxious whenever I thought about my future and I honestly felt that the only way I could even feel normal was through medication. Luckily it never went that far but one night it did go far when it came to a bottle of brandy and Doctor Who. I still remembered the episode as I pour a cup for myself. Just sitting there and watching Matt Smith running around the Russian submarine, the only thought in my head being "what the hell is wrong with me".
Fast forward a few hours and I am drinking straight out the bottle, weeping like never before and attempting to tell a friend what was wrong over the phone. Next thing I know my dad is consoling me while tears are running down my face. And honestly this is probably the hardest thing for me to type. Being this open and knowing that the people reading this will see me at one of my low points is hard. But I'll type on because it strangely feels great getting this off my chest.
It seemed like I was just looking for the negative like this creature in me fed on it. Laughing at a funny movie? Better remember that this happiness is short term. Gotten a B in Anthropology? Look who just remembered that they don't know what they are majoring in and whose friends are already in a university and not in community college. It did feel like a drug at times and I was just constantly having a bad trip.
But here's where it all changed and I essentially kicked my poisonous habit.
December 10th, 2013, I had turn 23 and had the worse birthday thus far. Just had a small birthday breakfast and didn't do anything really special. Had no one to really talk to and laid on my bed, staring at my white ceiling. Wasn't until that night I broke down and talked to a friend of mine. I remember somewhere in the middle of our conversation that I basically said " I shouldn't be feeling this way, I know that I'm going to be successful in the future".
Wait...what? What the hell did I just say? I'm going to be what?! I simply couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. Next thing I knew my whole world was torn apart again. I was honestly happy. I smiled what seemed to be a real smile in ages my life changed that night.
And to make my story a little shorter, life has been great since that night. I want to go to law school now and have a clear goal in mind. I am in the midst of reenlisting and currently taking my classes a lot more serious. It's a weird thing feeling that I had hit rock bottom, or my version of it. The only now is up and that's as cheesy as I am willing to get right now. Let me put it this way, I'm smiling right now just typing this out.
Now don't get me wrong. I will have bad days but who isn't? I doubt I'll go through life without having a single bad day but I can tell you now that I am glad I went through all of that. It made me a stronger person, more resilient to those bad days. All I know is I'm happy to see that late at the end of the tunnel.