pica_pica

I dare say that if she could write you off as even a friend, not honor your friendship simply because you were broke up she has already wrote Morgan off..... her last walk with the dog was probably to say good-bye. Maybe to hurt you, maybe not. Seems how she does things no?

The new guy is probably thinking, "Wow, hmmmm. this meal looks good! Guess she really is over him. Seems safe for me to move on in now. Why would any guy give this up?" Don't htey all when they don't bother to know hte bad with the good?

Karma.

Don't feel that way about the bathroom mirror.. you are what you think you are.......

"why would any guy give this up"

yes, I see that as exactly where he would be. She is a beautiful woman and can be quite entertaining to be around. The only issue is going to come up, however, once they get past the fun, and start falling into the emotional aspects.

Then he'll see another side of her that seems so out of character, and she so obviously doesn't have the potential to get past whatever her deeper issues are that creep in and invade her mental processes when shit gets hard. I am so sad for her in a way, this type of shit is going to follow her around for the rest of her life. Who knows, maybe she's actually going in for therapy right now and she will eventually grow through this, but I doubt it.
As my friend put it last night,
"she's a simple lady"

I guaranteed him that within 2 years, she will be married and pregnant. He doubted it.
One of the reasons I didn't feel positive about marrying her and having a baby was that I was concerned for the babies mental state growing up with her as it's mother. So I will be so sad when that day comes

You wanted her to be happy, all your feeling have always been right.

... is she?

[Edited on Sep 01, 2004 10:28PM]

feng shui get rid of old, bad things and you WILL receive new, good things

[Edited on Aug 30, 2004 9:13PM]

You love narzissus and goldmund too. It's my favourite book. I read it at an early age, and it really made a mark on me.

We all communicate in different ways. Some have a need and others can just "be".

The friendship she had with you was only there because of the relationship. It was a conditional friendship.

[Edited on Jun 06, 2005 9:23PM]

yeah, i think that dream i had about her getting into the car with my friend and seeing her smile that nasty sarcastic smile at me was the laughing while I bleed part.

We had quite a few emails back and forth last week as we tried to set up the dog meeting, hers were all over the map. In the first one, holy she was angry... really shooting nasty lines out at me. Then the next one would be all flatline legalese, and then 10 minutes later a friendly thankyou....
I think she may be having a difficult time figuring out exactly where she has to be with this period of time.
I'm afraid she might be upset that I went out to see HER mom...
I am also more than concerned that she has been told a little secret by a certain somebody about me and this site. I totally am getting the feeling that she knows I am posting here. I am thinking that she's in here. Don't ask me why. you know the answer.

scary, I know the feeling...........

I truly hate when that happens, the left out feeling that you get. Like everybody but your conscious mind was out partying and knows something you don't. But enjoy because at least the empties are there so you "know" somehow that something cool went down last night, even if you don't quite remember it all.

got your friend request. funny, I was checking out some of your comments in the cockaholics group earlier. thought I'd say hello

Wow. I never know what to say to your journal entries, there is just so much there. I gain a lot from reading them though, so thank you for sharing. I hope your visit with the exes Mom goes ok.

Wow. Haven't been there but I've been somewhere near there. A time of life you'll never be able to forget, and even as aching as it is, you'll never really want to forget it either.

Hmm let me see. Yes thats a good one.
Someone once told me that when you lose someone; to death or just circumstance, you don't actually morn the loss of the person but rather you mourn the loss of the time you thought you had together. I can feel a rant coming on. It's gotta be that evil "expectation" I'm thinkin about.
....
Ok so I just went back and read about 5 days worth of your journalife. And yes expectation is a killer and yes loss of time rather than loss of person blah blah bleh..

I said I've been near there but damn I had no idea just how near. Fortunately my trials have finally subsided. I managed to keep one of my relationships but the other one..holy god!! changed my perspective on what I thought was viable reality. The "friend" in question turned out to be a clinical sociopath, entrenched in a triangle with my "at the time" not so ex girl who was and is still living with me... Anyway. Your journal, not mine.

My sympathy. yah sure. Definitely. I can understand the emotional insanity of your time. Logic and emotion are bitter foes and if emotion has the floor, logic doesnt even get a vote. So dont beat yourself up too much for the trust breach, and try your best to understand that no matter how hard you try to understand (HA!) this all right now, it's only with time and space away from it that you will glean any actual serenity. Seriously. Time and space. At least, that's my sincerest hope.

Thanks you guys, It really feels good to be able to be heard here, there is a huge possibility that I would be lost in this vortex of confusion, I appreciate your comments.


a good friend of mine said something once that really made me think:
"yeah, I dunno man, weird."

Basically, no matter what, if I allow myself to care about this, I can do nothing but speculate about what could have possibly happened in those 3 hours. I have NO idea what it could be. Maybe a reaction to the ring, maybe a reaction to having to bring morgan back, who knows. It really bothered me for about an hour. "why the fuck was she totally glaring at me like that?"
I handed her the photocopies of all the vet bills, and she broke the silence rule by asking "what's that?" when I handed her the folded white sheets. I suppose she thought it was another note.
"the photocopies you asked for".
She took them, silence. Her eyes are puffy and soft around the edges, but the insides look dangerously sharp.

she had a bag of doggie doo doo in her hand. I offered to take it because I was going past a bin and she wasn't. She just glared and said something i didn't catch. I got the distinct impression that she would very much have liked to just open that bag up and give me some twisted japanese spa facial treatment. I walked back here, totally frustrated and confused.

Well fuck it. I suppose its the little things like that that actually help me out here. After I first dropped him off, after seeing her for the first time in so long, I walked away from that with a fresh sorrow, a fresh feeling of loss and a fresh feeling of uncertainty that I did the right thing in ending this.

3 hours later, I am walking away full of frustration and confusion as I try to backtrack inside my head to isolate the cause of her reaction. Then finally it dawns on me that that type of shit happened in just about every argument we ever had. I would try so hard to dig down inside of me, get past the wall I would sometimes build up and find out what was really going on inside me, then tell her. Fully honest about what I was feeling, even if at times it made me sound like an idiot. She would then respond, still in the anger of the moment, and her response would be nothing to do with what I had just said. It would be in response to what she thought I meant by what I just said. Fuck that was frustrating. It never changed either.
So yeah, I guess I won't ever know what the hell happened last with her last night, but I'm left with two things here:
1. a renewed conviction that I am definately doing the right thing here.
2. I feel a little sorry for her.

That's really awesome about your dog. I'm so happy for you.

Dude, I'm nervous for you, seeing her for the first time in 6 weeks.

aaack!

This is the longest period of time I have ever gone in the last 12 years without seeing her face.


Fuck yeah I'm way more nervous than I thought I was going to be!!

12 minutes and counting.... 1 minute per year.

on the bright side, I am so glad I've lost 32 pounds since she saw me last. how vain.