hooly FUCK it's hot in here.
Left the windows as closed as they could be when I left for work this morning, walked back into the apartment at 4:15 this afternoon to find it sitting at 30 degrees celcius.
That's kinda funny, actually, how it co-incided so nicely with this sunny hot day we just got.
I boogied outta the office early so that I could get Morgan out before jumping in the van again to take off to another installation. I had no idea how long it was going to take me, maybe only two hours, maybe 5.. who knows what bits and bytes hold for me sometimes. I'm sure that's a major bone of contention with my upper ups -- the fact that I can never honestly give them a realistic estimate of how long something is going to take. Half of the stuff is fresh off the line, never been used before, and it's computer based. It's not like I'm painting cars.
Anyways, my evening of installation went extremely well. I was outta there in just over 2 hours.
made me very happy.
What is currently not making me very happy, however, is that I haven't heard from a very close friend of mine for a few weeks now. Her mom died almost a month ago, and I've emailed her 3 or 4 times since then. I've not heard a peep.
nary a response.
This is the armpit muse . The woman I knew so many many years ago, the one I hooked up with again relatively recently. Soul mate material.
I'm kinda worried now, my last email to her was something along the lines of hey, you ok? Im getting worried. Please just drop me a line just to let me know you are alright ok?
That was last week. Early last week.
And it was in response to the two weeks of silence to the last couple of short liners I emailed her letting her know that Im here at any moment.
It should be obvious at this point in time that I should probably just call her, but to tell you the truth Im terrified to do so. I can try to psychoanalyze this fear as well, and what I come up with can only be a kneejerk response to what happened in my life 8 months ago. The loss of everybody close to me.
None of those departures really came with an explanation. Just a sudden silence and void. One by one and very quickly, the people that were close to me were poof! Gone.
I dont think about that much these days, but its obviously left a mark.
And its harsh, because if nothing else I want to be here for her as she goes through this time. She must be really upset, but I just cant bring myself to call. I thought for sure she would have replied by now to the email. She knows my number, she could call but its just silence.
My own defenses are honed now, and from this pattern that appears to me to be emerging, my psyche is telling me that there is only one result. Shes followed the path of all the others, and there is something about me that is so terrible, so monstrous, that she cant even begin to explain to me why shes decided to run. Her only recourse is silence. Just like all the rest.
Is it selfish of me to not call? I think that she would need to talk, want to talk. At least respond. And in my fear, I am now the silent one.
Left the windows as closed as they could be when I left for work this morning, walked back into the apartment at 4:15 this afternoon to find it sitting at 30 degrees celcius.
That's kinda funny, actually, how it co-incided so nicely with this sunny hot day we just got.
I boogied outta the office early so that I could get Morgan out before jumping in the van again to take off to another installation. I had no idea how long it was going to take me, maybe only two hours, maybe 5.. who knows what bits and bytes hold for me sometimes. I'm sure that's a major bone of contention with my upper ups -- the fact that I can never honestly give them a realistic estimate of how long something is going to take. Half of the stuff is fresh off the line, never been used before, and it's computer based. It's not like I'm painting cars.
Anyways, my evening of installation went extremely well. I was outta there in just over 2 hours.
made me very happy.
What is currently not making me very happy, however, is that I haven't heard from a very close friend of mine for a few weeks now. Her mom died almost a month ago, and I've emailed her 3 or 4 times since then. I've not heard a peep.
nary a response.
This is the armpit muse . The woman I knew so many many years ago, the one I hooked up with again relatively recently. Soul mate material.
I'm kinda worried now, my last email to her was something along the lines of hey, you ok? Im getting worried. Please just drop me a line just to let me know you are alright ok?
That was last week. Early last week.
And it was in response to the two weeks of silence to the last couple of short liners I emailed her letting her know that Im here at any moment.
It should be obvious at this point in time that I should probably just call her, but to tell you the truth Im terrified to do so. I can try to psychoanalyze this fear as well, and what I come up with can only be a kneejerk response to what happened in my life 8 months ago. The loss of everybody close to me.
None of those departures really came with an explanation. Just a sudden silence and void. One by one and very quickly, the people that were close to me were poof! Gone.
I dont think about that much these days, but its obviously left a mark.
And its harsh, because if nothing else I want to be here for her as she goes through this time. She must be really upset, but I just cant bring myself to call. I thought for sure she would have replied by now to the email. She knows my number, she could call but its just silence.
My own defenses are honed now, and from this pattern that appears to me to be emerging, my psyche is telling me that there is only one result. Shes followed the path of all the others, and there is something about me that is so terrible, so monstrous, that she cant even begin to explain to me why shes decided to run. Her only recourse is silence. Just like all the rest.
Is it selfish of me to not call? I think that she would need to talk, want to talk. At least respond. And in my fear, I am now the silent one.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
eddie:
I would think she wouldn't have even checked her email most likely. Well maybe not "most likely" but I so think so.
fenris23:
Call.