Somethings up out there.
I dont know what it is, but I am totally frustrated feeling. Something is nagging at me and I cant nail it.
I seem to be hiding from it at times here, as vague as that may sound but today especially I really felt something nagging at me and I kept struggling to shake myself free from it.
Not to shake myself free from that nagging feeling, but to shake myself free from whatever it is at the base of that nag.
I know this is making no sense.
It barely does to me.
I almost get it, I almost understand what is at the base of it, but I think that when I do come around to really nailing it, when I do finally get enough candles lit in there to start to make out a shape in the back, I snuff and run.
I think its that R thing. I know I havent talked about it for quite a while now, and it pretty much hit its end last month, but its just so wrong. I am looking over in the corner of my living room here and Im seeing fucking baggage I cant get rid of. Like some cheesy reject from some twilight zone episode that never made it to the air -- this is the one about the set of samsonite that could never be thrown out.
The producers all agreed that that episode sucked then, and it certainly still sucks now.
On the one hand, I can appease this dis-ease with the knowledge that I put an inhuman amount of energy into maintaining the right thing for all those nasty months. And truthfully, sometimes when I am on the bus, or walking the dog, or washing my hair, or brushing my teeth, or doing the dishes, (always something monotonous and mindless) and I catch myself thinking about what has gone down in the last 5 months, (those moments sneak up on me, like I dont realize what I have been thinking for the last 10 minutes then I catch the fact that I have just been thinking about her and its invariably a surprise, shock and sometimes a disappointment) but I really do let out a little satiated sigh of relief when I realize that I never allowed myself to react with anger, when her reactions to me grew more and more vicious, her requests more unrealistic, I really do find some solace in the fact that I powered through it with what I knew was right, I never gave in to what would have been a perfectly understandable reaction on my part. Yeah, during those moments I also find myself surprised to feeling a sensation of "missing" her. I guess that can't be unexpected after 12 years, but I think it's more me missing who I thought she was.
Unfortunately, I think I expected that my approach of love, compassion and respect would at some point finally result in a return of the same.
Perhaps that expectation became my bane.
Cant say. I feel really really bad for Morgan, there is no reason he should be punished, well, I just feel bad about the whole thing. I did this breakup thing after years of thought. I did it to make both of our lives better, and to eventually (hopefully) make both of us better and happier people. I did it out of my definition of Love for her too, (maybe shell see that one day?)
Whatever. It wasnt supposed to go down like this, and I dont feel any power whatsoever to change it.
I have been feeling bad about the whole thing for a while though, so whats different now?
Dunno. Somethings up out there though, and its poking an ethereal stick at me.
I dont know what it is, but I am totally frustrated feeling. Something is nagging at me and I cant nail it.
I seem to be hiding from it at times here, as vague as that may sound but today especially I really felt something nagging at me and I kept struggling to shake myself free from it.
Not to shake myself free from that nagging feeling, but to shake myself free from whatever it is at the base of that nag.
I know this is making no sense.
It barely does to me.
I almost get it, I almost understand what is at the base of it, but I think that when I do come around to really nailing it, when I do finally get enough candles lit in there to start to make out a shape in the back, I snuff and run.
I think its that R thing. I know I havent talked about it for quite a while now, and it pretty much hit its end last month, but its just so wrong. I am looking over in the corner of my living room here and Im seeing fucking baggage I cant get rid of. Like some cheesy reject from some twilight zone episode that never made it to the air -- this is the one about the set of samsonite that could never be thrown out.
The producers all agreed that that episode sucked then, and it certainly still sucks now.
On the one hand, I can appease this dis-ease with the knowledge that I put an inhuman amount of energy into maintaining the right thing for all those nasty months. And truthfully, sometimes when I am on the bus, or walking the dog, or washing my hair, or brushing my teeth, or doing the dishes, (always something monotonous and mindless) and I catch myself thinking about what has gone down in the last 5 months, (those moments sneak up on me, like I dont realize what I have been thinking for the last 10 minutes then I catch the fact that I have just been thinking about her and its invariably a surprise, shock and sometimes a disappointment) but I really do let out a little satiated sigh of relief when I realize that I never allowed myself to react with anger, when her reactions to me grew more and more vicious, her requests more unrealistic, I really do find some solace in the fact that I powered through it with what I knew was right, I never gave in to what would have been a perfectly understandable reaction on my part. Yeah, during those moments I also find myself surprised to feeling a sensation of "missing" her. I guess that can't be unexpected after 12 years, but I think it's more me missing who I thought she was.
Unfortunately, I think I expected that my approach of love, compassion and respect would at some point finally result in a return of the same.
Perhaps that expectation became my bane.
Cant say. I feel really really bad for Morgan, there is no reason he should be punished, well, I just feel bad about the whole thing. I did this breakup thing after years of thought. I did it to make both of our lives better, and to eventually (hopefully) make both of us better and happier people. I did it out of my definition of Love for her too, (maybe shell see that one day?)
Whatever. It wasnt supposed to go down like this, and I dont feel any power whatsoever to change it.
I have been feeling bad about the whole thing for a while though, so whats different now?
Dunno. Somethings up out there though, and its poking an ethereal stick at me.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
hotbonbon:
Oh buddy - it pains me to hear you like this but as Lavinia says, time has yet to drape itself over you - you are still exposed - dare I say...human? I still have a backpack or 2 over the only other man I thought I'd marry and I still think about him almost daily. Not that I love him or respect or want him, but I do think of him as he was a big part of my life and hurt me terribly, but he imprinted on me and that's what R has done to you. It's life. Let yourself feel this. Confusion etc.....and all that kind of stuff is actually a healthy state. It means things are changing, or will be. You're a catch - don't forget it. You deserve happiness. And you'll get it. Just love Morgan and let him love you back. It's the cheapest, loveliest therapy I know. Whenever I cuddle Hamish I feel like I've just filled my emotional gas tank and topped up the oil. Sometimes even a full on tune up! 
hotbonbon:
ps - maybe you should move house??