Saturday Morning.
This is my weekday morning:
I get up between 4:30 and 5:00 am.
If I forgot to set the coffee the night before, I immediately stumble into the kitchen and put the coffee on before even going to the washroom. Yes I desperately need to go to the washroom, but time is of the essence, and at least I can piss in peace with the pleasure of knowing the coffee is under way.
I light my candles around my writing desk, and hopefully fall into some stream of consciousness writing in my book for about 45 minutes. I am very much missing the 3 or 4 cigarettes that would normally accompany that, but I am on day 5 here now since I kicked that evil shit out of my life and I still have no desire to invite it back in. They are not welcome here.
Nonetheless, 5:50 am, I usually jump in the shower, get into my gym clothes and hit the gym just after they open at 6:00 am.
Workout for 45 minutes, back home and back in the shower by 7:00, out with Morgan at 7:15, back home at 7:45, more coffee, still no cigarettes, eat something and finally jump in my truck at 8:15 to hit the office for 8:30.
Therefore, on a weekend morning, like this one, sleeping in is something I do when I get out of bed at 8 or (god forbid) 9:00. I mean, thats like almost 4 hours of extra sleep than I would normally have on a weekday. Anything later than that, and I feel like I have wasted half the day.
This morning, I was pulled from my deep sleep by the sound of MSN messenger coming from this computer in the living room. Buhding. Buhding Buhding. I looked at the alarmclock beside my bed. 11:00 am. Holy shit I slept in.
I shuffled out of the bedroom and up to the computer to give the mouse a kick and wake my screen up. Its one very sad Leah. She came over last night to watch Secret Window and Lost Highway with me, and by the end of the evening, I had to tell her I couldnt continue on with it, at all.
She left in tears, I felt horrible, I finished the wine and went to bed.
I was brutally honest with her right from the start. I was emotionally unavailable, it was to be just a casual thing. I suppose those things rarely work out that way. Somebody will inevitably invest themselves emotionally and somebodys gonna hurt someone, before the night is thru. Somebodys gonna come undone. Theres nothin we can do.
Im not entirely sure where I have been heading. These last 5 days have really confused me, I have been feeling some pretty strange shit, and I am really hoping that its just some psychological transference that is based on something it doesnt appear to be on the surface.
Vague.
What I mean is, I have been totally missing she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-her all of a sudden.
Wednesday night, I couldnt even fall asleep. I was for some reason hit with an incredibly strong feeling of what I can only refer to as jealousy. No idea where it came from or why it was there, but I was suddenly overcome with the most painful form of juvenile jealousy I can remember. No thoughts behind it, no imagery, just a nail in the heart.
Thursdays dog exchange was, for the first time, not completely enveloped in rage from her end. When I came up at 8:45 to pick him up again, I could see from about a block away that she was already standing at the corner, and there were two other dogs there. Both great danes. She was standing there talking to another woman that we knew from years ago, this woman has two danes, a small black female, and a 4 month old male puppy.
Whoa, Great Dane hour? I say as I come up. They both say hi to me. I get handed the leash, I hand her the mail that keeps showing up in my mail box here, and she says goodbye.
Perhaps she was so non-aggressive because the other woman was standing there, but still, it was just weird to experience her in an ALMOST friendly way for the first time in 4 months.
After she leaves, I end up talking to the girl with the dogs for a bit.
I really like Robyn she says.
Shes just so.. so.. I dont know, so approachable she says.
So charismatic she says.
Yeah I say. Well shes not very approachable to me right now, we havent really said more than a few words to eachother in the last 4 months. Shes hating me right now.
Dont know why, but hearing her say that certainly didnt help my emotional state I have been finding myself in this week. I walked back here with Morgan and closed my blinds.
The next day, (yesterday) I was cleaning up the bedroom, and I found a stack of photographs. Of course I look through them and they are all of us in happy times. Camping mostly. Sitting by the fire, hiking, posing with the dog I sit down on the edge of the bed and with the stack in my hand, I rotate through the photos. Looking closely at each one that has the both of us sitting or standing together. It choked me up and I recognized the emotion as an emotion of totally missing her and what? Wanting her back?? WTF?
That CANT be it. After this treatment for the last 4 months, she has really tore me to the core, she should have proven to me that she is nobody I want to be with, so what the fuck is going on here?
Well, I am convinced that its transference. I am feeling something else here and it is incorrectly being put on her. Maybe its the not smoking thing?
In the past, when I tried to quit smoking, I totally noticed this strange depression would come over me. It was like I had lost a best friend. Thats always what it felt like to me. I would be so sad and so missing something in my life that it really did feel like a person lost. Of course, everytime I went through that, I always had Robyn beside me.
Not this time. So perhaps thats what this is. The emotion is the same, but I am missing the wrong cause.
Or maybe its just that in the last 2 weeks, I have lost everybody else that was close to me? Her mom, and the woman friend that I have had for so many years that emailed me the goodbye. I totally recognize the co-dependency that we had developed over all those years, so maybe at this moment in my life, feeling so alone, my brain is just kneejerking to the closest thing I have ever known for support and comfort in hard times. Her.
Or maybe its that due to the fact that I have so recently been stripped of all that was me, and I know that I am in the rare position of starting my life from scratch here, maybe its a fear thing. I should be all happy and positive about all these new habits I can create now, becoming the person I really want to be, but in actuality I am terrified to face the changes required? So again, in the face of that fear, I kneejerk to the co-dependency again, and its not there this time.
I dunno.
All I know is that I know I have been strangely wallowing in a renewed need for her, and I am racking my brain to find the reason because it absolutely cant be right.
This is my weekday morning:
I get up between 4:30 and 5:00 am.
If I forgot to set the coffee the night before, I immediately stumble into the kitchen and put the coffee on before even going to the washroom. Yes I desperately need to go to the washroom, but time is of the essence, and at least I can piss in peace with the pleasure of knowing the coffee is under way.
I light my candles around my writing desk, and hopefully fall into some stream of consciousness writing in my book for about 45 minutes. I am very much missing the 3 or 4 cigarettes that would normally accompany that, but I am on day 5 here now since I kicked that evil shit out of my life and I still have no desire to invite it back in. They are not welcome here.
Nonetheless, 5:50 am, I usually jump in the shower, get into my gym clothes and hit the gym just after they open at 6:00 am.
Workout for 45 minutes, back home and back in the shower by 7:00, out with Morgan at 7:15, back home at 7:45, more coffee, still no cigarettes, eat something and finally jump in my truck at 8:15 to hit the office for 8:30.
Therefore, on a weekend morning, like this one, sleeping in is something I do when I get out of bed at 8 or (god forbid) 9:00. I mean, thats like almost 4 hours of extra sleep than I would normally have on a weekday. Anything later than that, and I feel like I have wasted half the day.
This morning, I was pulled from my deep sleep by the sound of MSN messenger coming from this computer in the living room. Buhding. Buhding Buhding. I looked at the alarmclock beside my bed. 11:00 am. Holy shit I slept in.
I shuffled out of the bedroom and up to the computer to give the mouse a kick and wake my screen up. Its one very sad Leah. She came over last night to watch Secret Window and Lost Highway with me, and by the end of the evening, I had to tell her I couldnt continue on with it, at all.
She left in tears, I felt horrible, I finished the wine and went to bed.
I was brutally honest with her right from the start. I was emotionally unavailable, it was to be just a casual thing. I suppose those things rarely work out that way. Somebody will inevitably invest themselves emotionally and somebodys gonna hurt someone, before the night is thru. Somebodys gonna come undone. Theres nothin we can do.
Im not entirely sure where I have been heading. These last 5 days have really confused me, I have been feeling some pretty strange shit, and I am really hoping that its just some psychological transference that is based on something it doesnt appear to be on the surface.
Vague.
What I mean is, I have been totally missing she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-her all of a sudden.
Wednesday night, I couldnt even fall asleep. I was for some reason hit with an incredibly strong feeling of what I can only refer to as jealousy. No idea where it came from or why it was there, but I was suddenly overcome with the most painful form of juvenile jealousy I can remember. No thoughts behind it, no imagery, just a nail in the heart.
Thursdays dog exchange was, for the first time, not completely enveloped in rage from her end. When I came up at 8:45 to pick him up again, I could see from about a block away that she was already standing at the corner, and there were two other dogs there. Both great danes. She was standing there talking to another woman that we knew from years ago, this woman has two danes, a small black female, and a 4 month old male puppy.
Whoa, Great Dane hour? I say as I come up. They both say hi to me. I get handed the leash, I hand her the mail that keeps showing up in my mail box here, and she says goodbye.
Perhaps she was so non-aggressive because the other woman was standing there, but still, it was just weird to experience her in an ALMOST friendly way for the first time in 4 months.
After she leaves, I end up talking to the girl with the dogs for a bit.
I really like Robyn she says.
Shes just so.. so.. I dont know, so approachable she says.
So charismatic she says.
Yeah I say. Well shes not very approachable to me right now, we havent really said more than a few words to eachother in the last 4 months. Shes hating me right now.
Dont know why, but hearing her say that certainly didnt help my emotional state I have been finding myself in this week. I walked back here with Morgan and closed my blinds.
The next day, (yesterday) I was cleaning up the bedroom, and I found a stack of photographs. Of course I look through them and they are all of us in happy times. Camping mostly. Sitting by the fire, hiking, posing with the dog I sit down on the edge of the bed and with the stack in my hand, I rotate through the photos. Looking closely at each one that has the both of us sitting or standing together. It choked me up and I recognized the emotion as an emotion of totally missing her and what? Wanting her back?? WTF?
That CANT be it. After this treatment for the last 4 months, she has really tore me to the core, she should have proven to me that she is nobody I want to be with, so what the fuck is going on here?
Well, I am convinced that its transference. I am feeling something else here and it is incorrectly being put on her. Maybe its the not smoking thing?
In the past, when I tried to quit smoking, I totally noticed this strange depression would come over me. It was like I had lost a best friend. Thats always what it felt like to me. I would be so sad and so missing something in my life that it really did feel like a person lost. Of course, everytime I went through that, I always had Robyn beside me.
Not this time. So perhaps thats what this is. The emotion is the same, but I am missing the wrong cause.
Or maybe its just that in the last 2 weeks, I have lost everybody else that was close to me? Her mom, and the woman friend that I have had for so many years that emailed me the goodbye. I totally recognize the co-dependency that we had developed over all those years, so maybe at this moment in my life, feeling so alone, my brain is just kneejerking to the closest thing I have ever known for support and comfort in hard times. Her.
Or maybe its that due to the fact that I have so recently been stripped of all that was me, and I know that I am in the rare position of starting my life from scratch here, maybe its a fear thing. I should be all happy and positive about all these new habits I can create now, becoming the person I really want to be, but in actuality I am terrified to face the changes required? So again, in the face of that fear, I kneejerk to the co-dependency again, and its not there this time.
I dunno.
All I know is that I know I have been strangely wallowing in a renewed need for her, and I am racking my brain to find the reason because it absolutely cant be right.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Then I had a dream last night that I was on a Bachelor-like show (which I've never actually seen in real life), where I was supposed to be sort of a ringer, the only smart, non-model girl there who was supposed to get voted out first, but then I got chosen. I woke up in a far better mood than the one I went to sleep in.