pica_pica

Well, I think the better of me got the better of me.

I just got back from dropping the dog off with her.

I got email from Trish today, the woman from my past that I valued so much, loved so much, and relished her ability to "call my shit". Well, here is a great example of that:


Both of you need to put your issues aside and provide the best possible transition for the dog.
Neither of you are being straightforward and if you think you are I would suggest looking more closely.
Your hurts are real and valid your fragility and struggle are valid your desire to live more authentically commendable but none of this has to do with Morgan and you have a distinct and clear responsibility to stand up for his needs as well.

Shaun you are not going to get the resolution, comfort or respect from Robyn right now that you desire and deserve, end of story.
She does not at this moment in time have it to give you and if you keep looking for it, that is more about your needs than it is about what she is not able to provide.
She is still the women you loved and she has not turned into a monster, but she is not capable of the behavior you seek.
We all have behaved in horrifying ways at some point in our lives and you need to walk in those shoes and suspend judgment.

That still leaves you with your hurt, pain and frustration and what do you do with it. I cannot tell you that because it is individual. I absolutely believe you can do it.
If you do not participate in whatever you believe her to be doing then it loses its power.
You choose.


fuuuucck.. ok. dammit. She's right.
After reading that, I realized that I still value Trish so much, I still Love her, and I still hesitantly relish her ability to call my shit.

I emailed Robyn from work this afternoon:


Would you like to try for tonight after all?
Same times, same place?


I keep battling this, I keep allowing it to crush me, I lay myself out on the gurney and wait as I hear her roll the metal tray up with all those shiny instruments. "have at 'er" I say, and I spread my legs.

Yes, in the face of all this shit, I want to react. I want to pull back, I want to run away and I want to hear the gallop of great dane feet beside me as I do so. I want to hear her calling out to him, her voice growing quiet in the distance.

But I also want to look back at this period one day, and feel confident in my knowledge that I did everything right.
I guess that whatever she chooses to do during this period, is up to her. How I choose to react to her choices is solely my responsibility.

That sounds so fucking simple, so obvious.

I think I still need to email her and point out the simple fact that I should be on the recieving end of a bit more respect here, but I am wondering how it will affect me if and when she doesn't respond to that either.