Thank god I had that dream last night, I love it when shit like that happens.
Today is day 3 of cold turkey off that evil weed (tobacco). I was extremely sleepy at work for a good portion of this afternoon, nodding off looking at my code. Which is great, because I suddenly have the HUGEST project sitting on my plate that starts immediately and must be completed no later than the 23rd.
I have ALOT of work to do. So it's nice to fall asleep at my desk while looking at the list of new equipment I have to make talk nice to eachother.
Nonetheless, 5:00 came around, and I jumped again into the flintstone mobile to yabadabadoo it all the way home. Wow that was a major trigger.
As soon as I hit the Cambie St Bridge, I wanted to push the cigarette lighter in and slide out the ashtray. I really wanted to have a quick little puff there. Just a drag. Ashtray is full of pastacio shells today.
Then I instantly remembered that strange feeling from last night, That feeling that something had just shifted 'out there'. Something was happening.
That's all I needed. The urge to smoke exploded right then and there, and it hasn't come back all night. I cleaned up my writing desk area, scoured a bit more of the kitchen, and I am kinda lookin around this place a bit more now with a bit of a cliche 1950's housewife smirk on my face of a job well done.
Wait, no, that's not right, because a 1950's housewife would be tweaked out of her skull on uppers, she'd reek of gin by 11:30 am, and she'd be chainsmoking.
Ok, so not quite a 1950's housewife.
Oh yeah, Robyn emailed me yesterday asking to set up a meeting to see the dog for tomorrow.
I haven't responded to her yet, Not to play some stupid "I'm gonna make you wait" email game, but quite honestly I don't know what I am going to do about it at this point. I really don't. I kinda feel like I have suddenly found myself here in this semi-happy spot on Tuesday because I have forced her completely out of my head since that nasty shit I found myself dwelling on last week.
Plus, the only other time she and I met up to do the dog thing, she was So Fucking Angry when I went to pick him up, and that was really really uneccessary. I found myself in a bad position of trying to figure out what the ruck all that rage was for. rat rucked, raggy.
So no, I really don't know what to do, On the one hand, I think it would be the right thing to do to remain being the adult here and just let her see the fucking dog. to keep "Doing the right thing" But damn, I have been witnessing my mental health drop and in a bad fucking way over the last three weeks.
Every time I open myself up a bit, and get close to anything to do with her, I get another knife thrown in for good measure.
I KNOW that if she had been able to go through this period of time with the ability to just get past all the shit and communicate with me on the most basic level, this would have ended up being the healthiest breakup in the history of personkind. But for some reason, she is finding it absolutely necessary to vilify me, demonize me, create a ton of anger and resentment here to use a springboard. I have been fighting that all this time, and not responding to the nasty things she says in the emails, if she doesn't respond for days, or if a week goes by before she asks to see the dog again, I don't ask why, I totally respect her space through all of this. I haven't called her, haven't gone past her place (actually, i've been totally avoiding her neighborhood like the plague).....
I've said it over and over, we didn't have anything nasty to breakup over. It was just one of those things that had to be done. But holy fuck it sure got messy. How totally uneccessary. I've lost my best friend over it, actually, yeah, both of them. Him AND her. Uneccessary.
So here she is out of the blue, asking again to see the dog, and quite honestly I don't want anything to do with her for a while. I don't want to be in the position of wondering when the next email is going to be coming in from her, I want to KNOW that there isn't one coming in from her.
I think, in a way, I have finally given up on trying to be her friend through all of this, yeah yeah, i know, fuck dude, it's about TIME. Most people would have givin up months ago. I just really didn't want it to go down that way. There was no need for it.
So nonetheless, that leaves me here, and I think that she is dangerous to me. I think she's a bit of a Sociopath. I think the only way I am going to make it out of this unscathed is to now take the shitty selfish route and cut her completely out of my life for a while here until I get my feet back on the ground where they were a month after the original breakup. I think I was in a better position THEN than i am now. And that has been strictly because I have been caring about her process.
So fuck, I haven't responded to her email yet, but I don't foresee a dog meeting coming up anytime soon. I just want her to leave me alone for a while now.
Today is day 3 of cold turkey off that evil weed (tobacco). I was extremely sleepy at work for a good portion of this afternoon, nodding off looking at my code. Which is great, because I suddenly have the HUGEST project sitting on my plate that starts immediately and must be completed no later than the 23rd.
I have ALOT of work to do. So it's nice to fall asleep at my desk while looking at the list of new equipment I have to make talk nice to eachother.
Nonetheless, 5:00 came around, and I jumped again into the flintstone mobile to yabadabadoo it all the way home. Wow that was a major trigger.
As soon as I hit the Cambie St Bridge, I wanted to push the cigarette lighter in and slide out the ashtray. I really wanted to have a quick little puff there. Just a drag. Ashtray is full of pastacio shells today.
Then I instantly remembered that strange feeling from last night, That feeling that something had just shifted 'out there'. Something was happening.
That's all I needed. The urge to smoke exploded right then and there, and it hasn't come back all night. I cleaned up my writing desk area, scoured a bit more of the kitchen, and I am kinda lookin around this place a bit more now with a bit of a cliche 1950's housewife smirk on my face of a job well done.
Wait, no, that's not right, because a 1950's housewife would be tweaked out of her skull on uppers, she'd reek of gin by 11:30 am, and she'd be chainsmoking.
Ok, so not quite a 1950's housewife.
Oh yeah, Robyn emailed me yesterday asking to set up a meeting to see the dog for tomorrow.
I haven't responded to her yet, Not to play some stupid "I'm gonna make you wait" email game, but quite honestly I don't know what I am going to do about it at this point. I really don't. I kinda feel like I have suddenly found myself here in this semi-happy spot on Tuesday because I have forced her completely out of my head since that nasty shit I found myself dwelling on last week.
Plus, the only other time she and I met up to do the dog thing, she was So Fucking Angry when I went to pick him up, and that was really really uneccessary. I found myself in a bad position of trying to figure out what the ruck all that rage was for. rat rucked, raggy.
So no, I really don't know what to do, On the one hand, I think it would be the right thing to do to remain being the adult here and just let her see the fucking dog. to keep "Doing the right thing" But damn, I have been witnessing my mental health drop and in a bad fucking way over the last three weeks.
Every time I open myself up a bit, and get close to anything to do with her, I get another knife thrown in for good measure.
I KNOW that if she had been able to go through this period of time with the ability to just get past all the shit and communicate with me on the most basic level, this would have ended up being the healthiest breakup in the history of personkind. But for some reason, she is finding it absolutely necessary to vilify me, demonize me, create a ton of anger and resentment here to use a springboard. I have been fighting that all this time, and not responding to the nasty things she says in the emails, if she doesn't respond for days, or if a week goes by before she asks to see the dog again, I don't ask why, I totally respect her space through all of this. I haven't called her, haven't gone past her place (actually, i've been totally avoiding her neighborhood like the plague).....
I've said it over and over, we didn't have anything nasty to breakup over. It was just one of those things that had to be done. But holy fuck it sure got messy. How totally uneccessary. I've lost my best friend over it, actually, yeah, both of them. Him AND her. Uneccessary.
So here she is out of the blue, asking again to see the dog, and quite honestly I don't want anything to do with her for a while. I don't want to be in the position of wondering when the next email is going to be coming in from her, I want to KNOW that there isn't one coming in from her.
I think, in a way, I have finally given up on trying to be her friend through all of this, yeah yeah, i know, fuck dude, it's about TIME. Most people would have givin up months ago. I just really didn't want it to go down that way. There was no need for it.
So nonetheless, that leaves me here, and I think that she is dangerous to me. I think she's a bit of a Sociopath. I think the only way I am going to make it out of this unscathed is to now take the shitty selfish route and cut her completely out of my life for a while here until I get my feet back on the ground where they were a month after the original breakup. I think I was in a better position THEN than i am now. And that has been strictly because I have been caring about her process.
So fuck, I haven't responded to her email yet, but I don't foresee a dog meeting coming up anytime soon. I just want her to leave me alone for a while now.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Go ahead and be selfish! At least for a day or so. Or until you can fight the urge to not walk away with her face image burned into your memory and a cig. memory burned into your fingers. Emotional triggers suck and they don't call it "hell week" for nothing!
Kudos on the clean place. Dream on, dream on.......
Have I guessed Matthew?
Not sure what you meant there not_here.
I re-read that sentence a couple of times, and it means different things if the word "though it wouldn't" was written "thought it wouldn't"... confused... not sure if that's a typo or not.
Ok, well, I am off to the gym here. I am concentrating on 3 things here, and 3 things only. The first and foremost is not even really part of the triad. It's the base, and that's the fact that I am not smoking. Funny, I can't even say I am concentrating on it, because it seems incredibly easy this time around. The first day was tough, but that was Saturday.
The other two things are built on top of the not smoking base: That's my SuperHero workout schedule, (I still have a new goal of becoming a super hero. I think a cowboy motif is starting to win out. Urban Cowboy Super Hero?) and secondly is the rebirth of a livable space here: my apartment.
Tonight, I am going to be moving a bunch of shit all over the place in here, including the computer desk which weighs about 250 pounds, (it's an old 1940's stenographers desk) so that should be interesting.