pica_pica

well fuck.

Today was yet another day of nothing in my inbox. I thought for sure she would have emailed me to arrange a dog exchange by yesterday, nevermind today. Nuttin. Nothing coming in from that end.

So many things to say. So many things going on.

I was just at the Railway Club with my old friend from Calgary. We used to work at the same club there back in 1987-1988. We moved out here to Vancouver at the same time, and he and I, his wife and my girlfriend used to do the foursome dinner thing on every birthday for the last decade. If he didn't live way out in the burbs now, which precludes our ability to hang out as often as we used to, I would have ventured to call him my best friend.

He has been in constant contact with she-who-will-be-.... Oh for fucks sake. Her name is Robyn.
He has been in constant contact with Robyn for the last 2 months..
He volunteered information to me regarding her, Robyn.

She's seeing somebody. Apparently, she met some big black guy a few years ago, ( I knew nothing about that... but I can remember the 'infidelity feeling' happening around 3 years ago that I hammered away at with her and got nothing.... perhaps that was it?)

well, they crossed paths again or something, and she is now dating him.

She's flipped that switch it seems, and my biggest fear has come true. My biggest hope of her being able to take this period of time and get in touch with herself without immediately latching on to the first guy to come along has been shattered.
I am also shattered. Shattered that I am so inconsequential. So meaningless. She has so written me off.

The last few years, I have been secretly terrified that she has the ability to turn off the love, that she wasn't actually that connected to me, that I was living in some dreamworld where I was only living my life with her in the fantasy land that she actually loved me in the same definition of love that I felt. Terrified that actually, she simply NEEDED me. This has the potential to prove that to me.

I guess that,....
I suppose that this.......
I suppose I can't complete any sentences right now.

I'm just lost in this at the moment, so don't read anything into it. This is simply the first night of pain that I have to deal with as that realization strikes home that yes, she really is with somebody else already.

I understand the logic behind all the "how to think" things regarding this. I hear all the "this pain will pass" talk. How in time, this moment won't seem so meaningful anymore. I'll look back on this and feel nothing.

But tonight, tonight in the first few hours of the realization, this pain is all there is. The realization that it's temporary doesn't mean much to me right at this moment.

Good things are happening though. However small they seem to me now.
My boss came into my little programming room yesterday and let me know that he was giving me a $10000.00 raise. Ten grand a year.
That's good.

and meeting Trish last night, reconnecting so quickly with her on such a deep level, feeling the love for her again all over, that was real. That is good... I think:

We had made plans to meet at the Morrisey on Granville by Davie last night. 7:00.

I was ready by 6:15, and couldn't wait any longer to leave the apartment. I thought I would show up early, so I left here at 6:40 and walked down. I got to the front door at 6:50, and walked in.

As soon as I got inside, I saw a woman sitting facing the door up against the wall. Oh my god. It's her?

When I last saw Trish, she had virginal skin. She danced alot, so she was always in great shape, but no tattoos, no piercings... and here in front of me was a woman that stunned me. She was wearing a tanktop, a short one. Tight abs exposed underneath with a half barbell piercing in her navel.
Sleeve length tattoo on her right arm, tribal scrolls up across her shoulders, musculature of her upper arms and shoulders ripped. Her hair was held back with a black bandana, framing the cameo perched atop the pillar of her long white neck. She must have sensed me standing there motionless in the doorway, almond shaped eyes looked up at me and she smiled.

man, has it been that long?

wow.

We hugged. I remember her smell. We walked further back into the pub and found a comfy couch by the fireplace. It was so weird how familiar she still was to me. Like I just saw her last week.
And instantly, the connection was realized. It never left, and that was hard.
We talked alot about what we have been doing over the last 5 years, and it was so easy to hold her hand. Those familiar fingers pressing into mine. We explored the skin of our intertwined arms.

She is living with her boyfriend. He treats her very well, she says. I think I see her pupils dilating when I look up into her eyes. Silence for a while.

We talked for hours. it was 11:00 so fast, and I was so so sad to realize that we had to say goodbye. I walked her to the busstop so that she could go home to her boyfriend, and we hugged again. I could feel a pulse pounding in my sternum against her body. Was that mine, or hers? Ours?
Her bus comes, and I wave goodbye to her as it pulls away.

I find myself wondering if all that insecurity Robyn felt during my visits with Trish was so unfounded afterall.

Fuckin hell, there's still something there.
I don't want to confuse anything in anybody's life right now, but damn that was confusing.

I can't accept the fact that there is any rebound material in me. Trish has always been way too important to me, there is no way I am objectifying her, but holy fuck I felt Love.

I also met another woman. Simply got her number, but I haven't called her yet.

I was walking Morgan up Davie st the other day, on a whim. I never take him along Davie st. Well, I was walking past Melriches Coffee shop, and a woman's voice said "I have one of those dogs!"
I looked up from my feet in the direction of the voice.

oh my.
I hate having a "type", but she was it. Wow what a face. I was quite taken aback by her eyes at first. Is she really talking to me? No, she's talking about the dog. but damn she is beautiful.
Dark hair, almond eyes, she's slender and she is getting up from the table to pet him. catlike.

Ok, people always say "man! that dog must be SUCH a 'chick magnet'!"
I have to disagree. He may be, but that magnestism stops at the leash. In 9 years, I have never noticed that the dog gets me any attention. Sure alot of cute/hot women/girls notice him, but that never means I am a part of the equation. (nor has it ever been a potential, as I have always been the boyfriend) But my god, look at this woman.
We talked briefly about her female great dane, how her dog was too aggresive, she was just a pup though, and might get over it. I suggested that perhaps it would be a good thing if Morgan and her dog met. She fumbled for a pen to give me her number so that our dogs could meet over in the park by where she lived.

damn that was weird. So her name is Indiana, her phone number is here on my desk in front of my keyboard.
Honestly, I got a bit of a "gay vibe" off of her. I don't think there's anything untowards in her want for me to call her. But it's still very very strange.
I walked away from that with a bit of a smile.

yet tonight, underneath it all,
Robyn is seeing somebody. Already.