I've been thinking alot today about the conversation I had with her mom yesterday. I didn't stay out there long, I probably pulled up at the house around 2:00pm. The highway conditions were not pleasant, so driving was slow. It wasn't really raining, nor was it foggy. It was like a heavy heavy mist, almost rain-like, but the drops were too small to fall fast, so it was like driving through a perpetual mister. I could only see about 5 cars ahead of my truck, and then the road ahead of that just sort of disappeared into a white haze. Windshield wipers were on full speed, but without much effect.
It was a little nervewracking, plus because I was going to talk with her mom, I was a bit nervous anyways.
Once I got to the house though, everything just seemed so normal. I totally know that house, it feels like my home away from home there still.
I brought her some flowers, lilies with small red roses intermingled. Gave her a big long hug when she opened the door, and took my boots off.
I made some coffee, and we sat down at the kitchen table just talking about how her week just was with some other family members visiting etc. etc...
"wow, he's 15 already? man they grow up fast.." etc etc etc
Talked about gram's funeral, and how long ago that was.
Then finally, after about an hour of chitchat, she asked
"so, how are you?"
"aw, I don't know..." I said. There was no way in hell I was going to say anything about what I found in her email. Although last week, I had already told her that I had broken into her email. I wasn't about to hide that from her, and I would rather she heard it from me, than from her daughter. (I'm was actually quite surprised to hear that she didn't already know I had done that. she-who-will-be-refered-to-as-she didn't tell her. )
I tried to sort of explain myself to her. I wanted her to know that I hadn't broken up with her daughter due to me not loving her, or feeling that she 'wasn't good enough' for me. I wanted to know that she understood that this could very well be the most loving thing I had done yet. I needed to explain that I have been totally confused for a long time, and that her daughter wanted to marry me and have my kids.
But I kept hedging. wavering on the edge. I had to make a decision either way. If I hadn't been able to just jump on the idea and propose to her one day in some grandiose way, why not?
What was stopping me from doing that?
I tried to explain the hole, the missing piece in our relationship, I tried to explain how I didn't think it was healthy for us to be living our lives with so much weight resting on the simple existence of the other. How I didn't like the fact that we seemed to need the other person to feel whole. I wanted to feel wholeness for me, and then be able to share that with her. I wanted the same for her, I wanted her to be happy first for herself, not because of me.
Well, that didn't go over to well. Mum thought that was 'crazy talk'.
"I hear all the time from people who are in very loving long term relationships that they didn't feel like they were a complete person until they met their partner. That their partner completes them."
I said "yeah, I'm sure that's totally common, and it's probably the norm, but I don't think it's healthy. Just because that's what the primary percentage of the population is feeling, doesn't mean that it's what I am striving for."
She shook her head slowly, then said
"I am really afraid that you are never going to find somebody that feels that way."
I went on to explain how I wanted to be in a relationship where both parties are at least sometimes relatively introspective. People do crazy stuff sometimes or they say things that they don't really mean sometimes, without even realizing what was behind the action or words in the first place. I want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is at least cognitive of that possiblity, and doesn't feel attacked if I push for them to question it sometimes. I want them to see me in the same way, and call me out when they hear me saying something or doing something that may be at the far end of some whacked out psychological process of mine.
She disagreed again.
"I used to have a friend like that, she had to examine EVERYTHING, she'd dissect it, and lay it all out, and try to figure out all the possible reasons for it happening that way, and it drove me nuts! What's wrong with believing that people are just extremely straight forward, and there isn't any other reasons behind their words or actions. They just are what they are, end of story".
"uh, because that's oversimplifying things. Sure, every day stuff is straight forward. I just brought you flowers because I wanted to bring you flowers. That's it. But sometimes in a relationship, things get really confusing. Maybe a moment where that level of honest introspection is really needed only comes up like once every 4 months or something... but the ability has to be there, both people need to be able to sit down and talk about that stuff."
She was shaking her head again. Hmmmm I wonder if this is perhaps painting a picture here for me, in terms of where she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she gets her advice from.
Then she brought up that nasty period of time 6 years ago. she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she had just came clean with the affair she was having, I was devastated and I broke up with her. She completely broke down, and went out to her moms house to stay for a few days.
Yesterday, her mom said she was SO ANGRY with me during that time. She was terribly concerned that her daughter was not going to live through it. Seriously. She told me she took all the sharp things out of the upstairs bathroom, and would come into her room in the middle of the night to make sure she was still breathing. She really really thought that she was going to watch that kill her.
(and here's the part that blew me away)
I said, "why were you so angry at me though?"
"because YOU caused it!" she looked angry for a second. "by sending her away."
"when people get caught up in infidelities, they usually do it for a reason. There's something wrong at home. It happens all the time. There was obviously something wrong with you and her before that."
I was a little taken aback by this line of logic. ok, explain to me again how I caused what??? I was somehow responsible for the infidelity in the first place, and then I was doubly guilty for breaking up with her daughter when that shit hit the fan.
I figured it would be best at that point in time to change the topic away from something that happened in 1998. I tried to bring it back to the present time.
I tried to explain how I have been wishing that I could talk to she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she as a friend through this. How much it was bothering me that she was reacting as though I was a terrible terrible person that she needs to get away from in order to deal with the pain of the breakup...
she disagreed with me, she said that her daughter is dealing with this the best way that she can, and that she's sure that she totally loves me still. Isn't painting me out to be a bad person right now... (obviously, she hasn't seen the tone in the emails coming my way, or those stabbing glares from thursday night)
But it was clear we weren't going to agree on anything I was saying.
at 5:30, I commented on how I have to get back to Morgan, she gave me a bag of tomatoes from the green house, and the box of dog cookies we always kept out there. She found his spare leash in the closet and handed that to me too. I hugged her again at the door for long enough that I was hoping that I would have stopped crying before I let go of her so that she wouldn't see that I had started to do so as soon as we got into the hug. No dice. can't seem to stop those fuckin tears when they start dammit. I thanked her for the tomotoes, sat down and dripped snot all over my boots as I tried to tie up the laces through the blur of tearvision. She got me a kleenex, and took one for herself.
"take care of yourself" she said as I walked out the front door.
"oh, i do..." i replied, and gave her some feeble little wave thing.
I got into the truck, backed out of the driveway, and as I pulled out into the street, I did the same double honk thing I've been doing at that moment for over a decade. She waved from the porch as she does. As I drove away, I just knew it was the last time I'd be driving away from that house.
There is a simple simple world out there for some people, and I find myself totally envying their ability to live in it so happily.
Are they really happy though?
It was a little nervewracking, plus because I was going to talk with her mom, I was a bit nervous anyways.
Once I got to the house though, everything just seemed so normal. I totally know that house, it feels like my home away from home there still.
I brought her some flowers, lilies with small red roses intermingled. Gave her a big long hug when she opened the door, and took my boots off.
I made some coffee, and we sat down at the kitchen table just talking about how her week just was with some other family members visiting etc. etc...
"wow, he's 15 already? man they grow up fast.." etc etc etc
Talked about gram's funeral, and how long ago that was.
Then finally, after about an hour of chitchat, she asked
"so, how are you?"
"aw, I don't know..." I said. There was no way in hell I was going to say anything about what I found in her email. Although last week, I had already told her that I had broken into her email. I wasn't about to hide that from her, and I would rather she heard it from me, than from her daughter. (I'm was actually quite surprised to hear that she didn't already know I had done that. she-who-will-be-refered-to-as-she didn't tell her. )
I tried to sort of explain myself to her. I wanted her to know that I hadn't broken up with her daughter due to me not loving her, or feeling that she 'wasn't good enough' for me. I wanted to know that she understood that this could very well be the most loving thing I had done yet. I needed to explain that I have been totally confused for a long time, and that her daughter wanted to marry me and have my kids.
But I kept hedging. wavering on the edge. I had to make a decision either way. If I hadn't been able to just jump on the idea and propose to her one day in some grandiose way, why not?
What was stopping me from doing that?
I tried to explain the hole, the missing piece in our relationship, I tried to explain how I didn't think it was healthy for us to be living our lives with so much weight resting on the simple existence of the other. How I didn't like the fact that we seemed to need the other person to feel whole. I wanted to feel wholeness for me, and then be able to share that with her. I wanted the same for her, I wanted her to be happy first for herself, not because of me.
Well, that didn't go over to well. Mum thought that was 'crazy talk'.
"I hear all the time from people who are in very loving long term relationships that they didn't feel like they were a complete person until they met their partner. That their partner completes them."
I said "yeah, I'm sure that's totally common, and it's probably the norm, but I don't think it's healthy. Just because that's what the primary percentage of the population is feeling, doesn't mean that it's what I am striving for."
She shook her head slowly, then said
"I am really afraid that you are never going to find somebody that feels that way."
I went on to explain how I wanted to be in a relationship where both parties are at least sometimes relatively introspective. People do crazy stuff sometimes or they say things that they don't really mean sometimes, without even realizing what was behind the action or words in the first place. I want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is at least cognitive of that possiblity, and doesn't feel attacked if I push for them to question it sometimes. I want them to see me in the same way, and call me out when they hear me saying something or doing something that may be at the far end of some whacked out psychological process of mine.
She disagreed again.
"I used to have a friend like that, she had to examine EVERYTHING, she'd dissect it, and lay it all out, and try to figure out all the possible reasons for it happening that way, and it drove me nuts! What's wrong with believing that people are just extremely straight forward, and there isn't any other reasons behind their words or actions. They just are what they are, end of story".
"uh, because that's oversimplifying things. Sure, every day stuff is straight forward. I just brought you flowers because I wanted to bring you flowers. That's it. But sometimes in a relationship, things get really confusing. Maybe a moment where that level of honest introspection is really needed only comes up like once every 4 months or something... but the ability has to be there, both people need to be able to sit down and talk about that stuff."
She was shaking her head again. Hmmmm I wonder if this is perhaps painting a picture here for me, in terms of where she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she gets her advice from.
Then she brought up that nasty period of time 6 years ago. she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she had just came clean with the affair she was having, I was devastated and I broke up with her. She completely broke down, and went out to her moms house to stay for a few days.
Yesterday, her mom said she was SO ANGRY with me during that time. She was terribly concerned that her daughter was not going to live through it. Seriously. She told me she took all the sharp things out of the upstairs bathroom, and would come into her room in the middle of the night to make sure she was still breathing. She really really thought that she was going to watch that kill her.
(and here's the part that blew me away)
I said, "why were you so angry at me though?"
"because YOU caused it!" she looked angry for a second. "by sending her away."
"when people get caught up in infidelities, they usually do it for a reason. There's something wrong at home. It happens all the time. There was obviously something wrong with you and her before that."
I was a little taken aback by this line of logic. ok, explain to me again how I caused what??? I was somehow responsible for the infidelity in the first place, and then I was doubly guilty for breaking up with her daughter when that shit hit the fan.
I figured it would be best at that point in time to change the topic away from something that happened in 1998. I tried to bring it back to the present time.
I tried to explain how I have been wishing that I could talk to she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-she as a friend through this. How much it was bothering me that she was reacting as though I was a terrible terrible person that she needs to get away from in order to deal with the pain of the breakup...
she disagreed with me, she said that her daughter is dealing with this the best way that she can, and that she's sure that she totally loves me still. Isn't painting me out to be a bad person right now... (obviously, she hasn't seen the tone in the emails coming my way, or those stabbing glares from thursday night)
But it was clear we weren't going to agree on anything I was saying.
at 5:30, I commented on how I have to get back to Morgan, she gave me a bag of tomatoes from the green house, and the box of dog cookies we always kept out there. She found his spare leash in the closet and handed that to me too. I hugged her again at the door for long enough that I was hoping that I would have stopped crying before I let go of her so that she wouldn't see that I had started to do so as soon as we got into the hug. No dice. can't seem to stop those fuckin tears when they start dammit. I thanked her for the tomotoes, sat down and dripped snot all over my boots as I tried to tie up the laces through the blur of tearvision. She got me a kleenex, and took one for herself.
"take care of yourself" she said as I walked out the front door.
"oh, i do..." i replied, and gave her some feeble little wave thing.
I got into the truck, backed out of the driveway, and as I pulled out into the street, I did the same double honk thing I've been doing at that moment for over a decade. She waved from the porch as she does. As I drove away, I just knew it was the last time I'd be driving away from that house.
There is a simple simple world out there for some people, and I find myself totally envying their ability to live in it so happily.
Are they really happy though?
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
The friendship she had with you was only there because of the relationship. It was a conditional friendship.
[Edited on Jun 06, 2005 9:23PM]