Just got back from the gym and picked up my hand written journal to vent a bit. I had gone to the gym with the idea in my head that I was NOT going to think. I was simply going to be completely absorbed by every exercise. I was going to be concentrating solely on the sensation inside each muscle as it went through the motion. Be inside the contraction, notice my breathing, feel the joints moving and only allow words into my brain as 'one, two, three....'
Basically just try to be me. Get back to my inside and stop concentrating so much on what's happening in other people's lives.
Yesterday I asked for anyone to give me hints on how to get past this, and I came up with that one on my own.
Well, didn't quite go down like that. Maybe the first rep or two of each exercise was calm consciousness... but by the 7th or 8th, I was thinking about all that other shit again.
Walking back here to the apartment, trying to just hear the birds and feeling my feet on the road, my self kept sliding off to that other nasty pain place and by the time I got back home I was frustrated with my inability to keep that shit out of my head.
I started writing in my "morning pages" to just vent about it and try to exorcise those pictures out of my head.
In the middle of a sentence about the him/her thing, another completely unrelated sentence popped up into my head like it wasn't even coming from my own brain, so I let it out. I may be on to something.
__________________________
Most people have a tendancy to try or need to twist whats happening around them into something it's not so that it can match their view of the world.
I try to do the hard thing -- which is to look at things around me as they really are. Inspect them by themselves without allowing myself to add colour or detail to it from within my act of observation.
Quite often, what I end up seeing goes against my current set of maps of reality. Instead of trying to twist what I just saw or realized into something that fits into my outmoded view of the world, the really difficult thing is to allow that new reality to reform my current view. Consistently stripping off my old layers and allowing the new ones to form from inside and grow out to be my new skin.
It is as painful as being skinned alive, over and over each time the skin grows back.
I guess when those around me that I love so much aren't attempting to live the same way, and I know it, it frustrates me. My world view keeps changing, and if the world view of my loved ones doesn't change, I end up feeling extremely alone.
So who's insane then?
--The people in this world that consistently twist reality and truth into something that it's not, simply to force it to fit into their model of "the way things are"...
-- or me for no longer living in what they see as their world.
___________________________
Basically just try to be me. Get back to my inside and stop concentrating so much on what's happening in other people's lives.
Yesterday I asked for anyone to give me hints on how to get past this, and I came up with that one on my own.
Well, didn't quite go down like that. Maybe the first rep or two of each exercise was calm consciousness... but by the 7th or 8th, I was thinking about all that other shit again.
Walking back here to the apartment, trying to just hear the birds and feeling my feet on the road, my self kept sliding off to that other nasty pain place and by the time I got back home I was frustrated with my inability to keep that shit out of my head.
I started writing in my "morning pages" to just vent about it and try to exorcise those pictures out of my head.
In the middle of a sentence about the him/her thing, another completely unrelated sentence popped up into my head like it wasn't even coming from my own brain, so I let it out. I may be on to something.
__________________________
Most people have a tendancy to try or need to twist whats happening around them into something it's not so that it can match their view of the world.
I try to do the hard thing -- which is to look at things around me as they really are. Inspect them by themselves without allowing myself to add colour or detail to it from within my act of observation.
Quite often, what I end up seeing goes against my current set of maps of reality. Instead of trying to twist what I just saw or realized into something that fits into my outmoded view of the world, the really difficult thing is to allow that new reality to reform my current view. Consistently stripping off my old layers and allowing the new ones to form from inside and grow out to be my new skin.
It is as painful as being skinned alive, over and over each time the skin grows back.
I guess when those around me that I love so much aren't attempting to live the same way, and I know it, it frustrates me. My world view keeps changing, and if the world view of my loved ones doesn't change, I end up feeling extremely alone.
So who's insane then?
--The people in this world that consistently twist reality and truth into something that it's not, simply to force it to fit into their model of "the way things are"...
-- or me for no longer living in what they see as their world.
___________________________
we created them."
- Albert Einstein
Shed your skin. Recreate your definition of reality. That's one thing that is truly ours and we don't even have to share it with others, at least people we don't want to. Who said the crazy person's idea of reality is any less real to them than yours is to you? Some people just put a lot less thought into change than others so it just seems easier from the outside. Create your core anew. It's your future. You only get so much time after all.
I still don't know where that all came from, and after I wrote it I was not entirely sure if maybe it was meant for me.
I mean, i TRY to live like that, but it's very very difficult to be sure that you aren't somehow still seeing a skewed view.
As far as sharing our reality with others, I don't think that's entirely possible, due to so much personal shit that happens to all of us through our lives.
I guess I meant that if my loved ones don't seem to try to be a bit introspective at times, and take a look at themselves, and also go through difficult periods of growth while suffering all the pains of the shedding of their old self, ... it somehow widens a chasm between myself and them. Like we have less and less to relate to in conversation.