I may keep on the downlow with the updates for a while or something. Originally, when I joined, I was finding this somewhat therapeutic. I enjoyed the writing, and found it all rather entertaining, fun.
Well, gotta say this week kinda turned away from that, and it's just not fun anymore.
When I first started writing on here a month ago, I did so knowing that I felt horrible, but also knowing that that horrible feeling wasn't going to last, and that in a few weeks, I was going to be feeling much much better and maybe I would even find my old posts to be a bit of a sign post... A trail of bread crumbs that I could look back on and go "Whoa, that sucked, but it was also kinda funny sometimes."
But that was when this was all about me ending a long term relationship and trying to come to grips with my new existence. There wasn't any heartbreak underneath all that, there wasn't any nasty episodes that I could look back on during the actual act of breaking up. It was all just a life story thing. Ending 1/3 of my life with a woman that I truly and totally loved, but knew that somehow we weren't right for eachother. I could chart the little trip that threw me on, and use this to keep tracking where I was headed.
The last two days sort of changed all that, and perhaps its all just a bit too much to process at once.
That whole betrayal thing hasn't even completely sunk in yet I don't think. I really don't know where I am going to be when it does, but I can feel it pressing at me right now and I don't know how to react.
Perhaps it's like a second breakup? Overlapping the first?
I mean, we're not gay, but I love that guy like you wouldn't believe. To find out that he's been lying to me all this time about something that went down between him and her obviously has the potential to break my trust. Course, I don't know what to believe anymore.
I really don't want to let it, I feel like I honestly can't afford to lose that. It's feeling very much like he's my last lifeline and my logic brain is telling me that if I cut off communication with him over this, ...
... that would leave me almost completely alone.
I don't think I'm currently stable enough to deal with that thought. Somebody said to me tonight "you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
I know what they mean by that. I don't think I could though.
But I am not havin much fun writing about it, and this was originally intended to be a little bit entertaining. Currently I'm feeling like I'm being a bit of a downer, so I may just get quiet for a while until this passes.
Well, gotta say this week kinda turned away from that, and it's just not fun anymore.
When I first started writing on here a month ago, I did so knowing that I felt horrible, but also knowing that that horrible feeling wasn't going to last, and that in a few weeks, I was going to be feeling much much better and maybe I would even find my old posts to be a bit of a sign post... A trail of bread crumbs that I could look back on and go "Whoa, that sucked, but it was also kinda funny sometimes."
But that was when this was all about me ending a long term relationship and trying to come to grips with my new existence. There wasn't any heartbreak underneath all that, there wasn't any nasty episodes that I could look back on during the actual act of breaking up. It was all just a life story thing. Ending 1/3 of my life with a woman that I truly and totally loved, but knew that somehow we weren't right for eachother. I could chart the little trip that threw me on, and use this to keep tracking where I was headed.
The last two days sort of changed all that, and perhaps its all just a bit too much to process at once.
That whole betrayal thing hasn't even completely sunk in yet I don't think. I really don't know where I am going to be when it does, but I can feel it pressing at me right now and I don't know how to react.
Perhaps it's like a second breakup? Overlapping the first?
I mean, we're not gay, but I love that guy like you wouldn't believe. To find out that he's been lying to me all this time about something that went down between him and her obviously has the potential to break my trust. Course, I don't know what to believe anymore.
I really don't want to let it, I feel like I honestly can't afford to lose that. It's feeling very much like he's my last lifeline and my logic brain is telling me that if I cut off communication with him over this, ...
... that would leave me almost completely alone.
I don't think I'm currently stable enough to deal with that thought. Somebody said to me tonight "you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
I know what they mean by that. I don't think I could though.
But I am not havin much fun writing about it, and this was originally intended to be a little bit entertaining. Currently I'm feeling like I'm being a bit of a downer, so I may just get quiet for a while until this passes.