well, it's almost officially one month by dates since my first post on this site. That co-incides with the day of the breakup of course.
So for the last 4 weeks, I kept hearing the very last words I ever said to her echoing in my head.
They weren't the "i don't want to be in a relationship" ones. They were the ones I said after that, something along the lines of
"it's not like I want to get out there and have sex with a bunch of women".
That was said after she told me once to stop talking. There was no response to that save for the second request to just stop talking.
So I did.
And it's bothered me ever since that I approached it like that. I am so pissed off at myself for not actually sitting her down and talking to her that morning. Actually explaining where I was coming from and give the whole thing a bit of the respect it deserved. She at least deserved to know where I was coming from and why I was breaking up with her, but nope. I just throw that bomb out there first thing with no lead up, and she packs up her stuff and leaves.
It has been on my mind all month that she should be able to start this period at least knowing where she is coming from. At least knowing the truth behind my decision.
So it was bloody draining, but I spent many many hours over the last couple of weeks trying to write her a post breakup "dear joan" letter.
I think I have been through about 17 revisions of it and it looked like she was never going to get it at that rate.
So finally yesterday, through many hours of blurred vision and cramped hand writing, I finished it.
Something must have taken it's toll, because I was awakened this morning at around 4:30 am with the beginnings of one of those blinding migraines I used to get so many years ago.
I spent most of the day in bed today, only leaving the apartment once to walk the dog, and the second time to walk over to her apartment building so that I could slip the letter under her door.
That was somewhat uncomfortable, randomly buzzing strangers in their apartment.
"Hi, could you let me in? I want to drop off a letter at a friends apartment"
I am totally surprised that somebody actually answered, AND let me in.
So she should be getting home from work in about 15 minutes now. Opening her door and finding that letter with her name in my hand writing at her feet.
Man I was brutally honest in that thing. 5 pages of deep deep truth I never seemed to be able to say to her when we were together.
I guess she'll either read it, and maybe actually unblock me from MSN.
Or she'll get completely freaked out at my invasion and file a restraining order against me.
heh heh.
hey, that's not funny.
So for the last 4 weeks, I kept hearing the very last words I ever said to her echoing in my head.
They weren't the "i don't want to be in a relationship" ones. They were the ones I said after that, something along the lines of
"it's not like I want to get out there and have sex with a bunch of women".
That was said after she told me once to stop talking. There was no response to that save for the second request to just stop talking.
So I did.
And it's bothered me ever since that I approached it like that. I am so pissed off at myself for not actually sitting her down and talking to her that morning. Actually explaining where I was coming from and give the whole thing a bit of the respect it deserved. She at least deserved to know where I was coming from and why I was breaking up with her, but nope. I just throw that bomb out there first thing with no lead up, and she packs up her stuff and leaves.
It has been on my mind all month that she should be able to start this period at least knowing where she is coming from. At least knowing the truth behind my decision.
So it was bloody draining, but I spent many many hours over the last couple of weeks trying to write her a post breakup "dear joan" letter.
I think I have been through about 17 revisions of it and it looked like she was never going to get it at that rate.
So finally yesterday, through many hours of blurred vision and cramped hand writing, I finished it.
Something must have taken it's toll, because I was awakened this morning at around 4:30 am with the beginnings of one of those blinding migraines I used to get so many years ago.
I spent most of the day in bed today, only leaving the apartment once to walk the dog, and the second time to walk over to her apartment building so that I could slip the letter under her door.
That was somewhat uncomfortable, randomly buzzing strangers in their apartment.
"Hi, could you let me in? I want to drop off a letter at a friends apartment"
I am totally surprised that somebody actually answered, AND let me in.
So she should be getting home from work in about 15 minutes now. Opening her door and finding that letter with her name in my hand writing at her feet.
Man I was brutally honest in that thing. 5 pages of deep deep truth I never seemed to be able to say to her when we were together.
I guess she'll either read it, and maybe actually unblock me from MSN.
Or she'll get completely freaked out at my invasion and file a restraining order against me.
heh heh.
hey, that's not funny.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
Don't beat yourself in the forehead too much about it. If after 12 years you could just walk away so easily... there would be a problem...more than trying to redefine yourself, by yourself.