Well, this has set me back a few weeks. Damn.
y'see, I have a 'thing' for nurses. Not real nurses in real medical environments, but nurses of the latex variety. I can't begin to explain where that comes from, and I don't even really consider myself a "player" in the whole BDSM thing. I'm not a top or a bottom, and I don't align myself at all with being submissive or Dominant.
Sure, we played around with it over the years in an experimental way, but it never really took hold in our sex lives.
So I never got around to explaining to her that the idea of me being a patient held prostrate at the mercy of a sexually sadistic yet loving nurse got my heart pumping.
I wish we could have enjoyed the level of honesty and communication that would have allowed for open discussions and confessions like that, but we didn't. All that discussion would have resulted in would have been yet more discomfort and distrust. There was simply too much insecurity between us to allow for honest fantasy discussions. It would simply end up being another threatening thought.
So my little nurse thing remained locked away inside, and my craving for some loving CBT went unfulfilled.
So that's the background to my little story for today. The setback I mentioned.
Goes a little like this:
Just before the breakup, I got her set up with a new computer at her place. Brand new system. She didn't have a broadband connection yet though, and she was just in the process of getting that hooked up when I dropped the breakup bomb on her.
Well, we were both rather heavily reliant on MSN messenger for daytime communication back and forth from our work places. She's obviously on my contact list, and I'm on hers.
About a week after the breakup, I see her pop up on my msn window. By the time I have clicked on the taskbar to open my contacts list though, she was gone. Blocked me.
Ok, fine. I understand. No communication is no communication, and for the last month I have not seen her listed as 'online' once. I'm just permanently blocked.
Until last night.
Just after midnight, I was sitting here alone, reading SG journals of course, lurking in the chat room, and suddenly in the bottom corner of my screen that little innocuous blue window pops up. Not so innocuous tonight though, it has her name in it.
She's just logged in, or perhaps she just unblocked me...
I froze. Like maybe if I don't move, she won't see me. Staring at the window until it finally slides down and away. Slipping back into oblivion.
What the fuck?....... does that mean that she's actually ready to talk? Does it mean that she doesn't want to block me out anymore? She wouldn't unblock me if she didn't want to finally communicate or at least say hi, how's it goin?
I open my contacts list expecting to see her as already offline again, like it was an accident and she was over on her end frantically scrambling to reblock me.
Nope. there she is, glaring at me. Silent. (online).
After about 5 minutes, she hasn't messaged me, so I chance it. I double click her name and the chat window opens. What should I say, if anything, should I break the ice? Or let her?
'hi' I type. hit enter.
A second later, the default image representing her in the chat window changes from the msn butterfly to a cartoon image. My chat window image is currently frankenberry.
And what's hers? What's her little chat window image?
A nurse.
One of those adult comic drawings of a nurse with a blonde bettie page haircut holding a syringe in her hand and a crooked, lovingly sadistic smile on her face.
fuck. anything but that. Please, anything but that.
So two things are suddenly going on. Not only am I not breathing as I wait for her to respond to my 'hi', but I am staring at the comic representation of what I always secretly wanted her to play for me.
there's no response. The window doesn't even say she's typing a message. I'm tense, staring at the window on my screen like a fisherman staring at his float on the water. Comon baby, just a nibble, gimme a little bob, a little wiggle, .... say she's typing a message...
nothing.
3 or 4 minutes go by and the nurse is still giving me that look. What is she planning on DOING with that syringe? Whatever it is, she looks like she's going to enjoy it.
I just lay there, prostrate. squirming and begging for anything from her. I guess this is the Torture I never asked for, she does not respond. My 'hi' just remains alone on the chat screen.
finally i type
'well, I'm going to bed' hit enter
'g'night' hit enter.
Nothing.
Just that silent sarcastic smirk on the face of the nurse.
It took me a while to fall asleep after that. Fighting off the images of her discovering a sexuality in herself that I always craved for us.
woke up this morning, she's offline, and I can't get her out of my head.
y'see, I have a 'thing' for nurses. Not real nurses in real medical environments, but nurses of the latex variety. I can't begin to explain where that comes from, and I don't even really consider myself a "player" in the whole BDSM thing. I'm not a top or a bottom, and I don't align myself at all with being submissive or Dominant.
Sure, we played around with it over the years in an experimental way, but it never really took hold in our sex lives.
So I never got around to explaining to her that the idea of me being a patient held prostrate at the mercy of a sexually sadistic yet loving nurse got my heart pumping.
I wish we could have enjoyed the level of honesty and communication that would have allowed for open discussions and confessions like that, but we didn't. All that discussion would have resulted in would have been yet more discomfort and distrust. There was simply too much insecurity between us to allow for honest fantasy discussions. It would simply end up being another threatening thought.
So my little nurse thing remained locked away inside, and my craving for some loving CBT went unfulfilled.
So that's the background to my little story for today. The setback I mentioned.
Goes a little like this:
Just before the breakup, I got her set up with a new computer at her place. Brand new system. She didn't have a broadband connection yet though, and she was just in the process of getting that hooked up when I dropped the breakup bomb on her.
Well, we were both rather heavily reliant on MSN messenger for daytime communication back and forth from our work places. She's obviously on my contact list, and I'm on hers.
About a week after the breakup, I see her pop up on my msn window. By the time I have clicked on the taskbar to open my contacts list though, she was gone. Blocked me.
Ok, fine. I understand. No communication is no communication, and for the last month I have not seen her listed as 'online' once. I'm just permanently blocked.
Until last night.
Just after midnight, I was sitting here alone, reading SG journals of course, lurking in the chat room, and suddenly in the bottom corner of my screen that little innocuous blue window pops up. Not so innocuous tonight though, it has her name in it.
She's just logged in, or perhaps she just unblocked me...
I froze. Like maybe if I don't move, she won't see me. Staring at the window until it finally slides down and away. Slipping back into oblivion.
What the fuck?....... does that mean that she's actually ready to talk? Does it mean that she doesn't want to block me out anymore? She wouldn't unblock me if she didn't want to finally communicate or at least say hi, how's it goin?
I open my contacts list expecting to see her as already offline again, like it was an accident and she was over on her end frantically scrambling to reblock me.
Nope. there she is, glaring at me. Silent. (online).
After about 5 minutes, she hasn't messaged me, so I chance it. I double click her name and the chat window opens. What should I say, if anything, should I break the ice? Or let her?
'hi' I type. hit enter.
A second later, the default image representing her in the chat window changes from the msn butterfly to a cartoon image. My chat window image is currently frankenberry.
And what's hers? What's her little chat window image?
A nurse.
One of those adult comic drawings of a nurse with a blonde bettie page haircut holding a syringe in her hand and a crooked, lovingly sadistic smile on her face.
fuck. anything but that. Please, anything but that.
So two things are suddenly going on. Not only am I not breathing as I wait for her to respond to my 'hi', but I am staring at the comic representation of what I always secretly wanted her to play for me.
there's no response. The window doesn't even say she's typing a message. I'm tense, staring at the window on my screen like a fisherman staring at his float on the water. Comon baby, just a nibble, gimme a little bob, a little wiggle, .... say she's typing a message...
nothing.
3 or 4 minutes go by and the nurse is still giving me that look. What is she planning on DOING with that syringe? Whatever it is, she looks like she's going to enjoy it.
I just lay there, prostrate. squirming and begging for anything from her. I guess this is the Torture I never asked for, she does not respond. My 'hi' just remains alone on the chat screen.
finally i type
'well, I'm going to bed' hit enter
'g'night' hit enter.
Nothing.
Just that silent sarcastic smirk on the face of the nurse.
It took me a while to fall asleep after that. Fighting off the images of her discovering a sexuality in herself that I always craved for us.
woke up this morning, she's offline, and I can't get her out of my head.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
rubysparkle:
I'm selling at the West End market this coming Saturday, the 21st. I usually don't get to check out all the vendors selling the same day as me so I often miss out on great stuff.
bluechild:
daaaaaaaaaamnn
daaaaaaaaaamnn