I just realized that for the entire past 7 days, I haven't thought a single negative thing about her. Is that me protecting her again? Still?
The only negative thing that I have thought about regarding her is the fear that now that she's alone she could be raped or killed or both. Protection.
I totally can't watch the news now if they mention another missing woman, or watching Cold Case Files and they have some old black and white photos of some poor woman's body in the bushes somewhere, I have to turn it off. I am instantly afraid for her out in that fucked up world. At least for the last 12 years I knew she was safe because she was laying beside me. Fuck.
Hmm, I have also been terrified that she is going to bounce straight into the arms of another man. Skipping any period of growth, I mean she is soo fucking beautiful, the boys are going to be clamouring all over themselves to get to her.
It may start with a moment of weakness on her part, but she may then just slip right into the same pattern with another man that is in the right place at the right time during that weakness.
Fuck, that thought makes me feel so bad. I am partially doing this out of love for her, this is the only way I can think that would force her to live for herself first. Of course, it's for me too, but in all my months and months and months of thinking about it, I always weighed out both sides, and saw her being alone as a good thing for her. She never has been on her own for more than a few weeks.
Her live-together boyfriend of 4 years had left their apartment the VERY DAY I met her. Seriously, the day they broke up was the day we started seeing eachother, and they were together for 4 years, us 12.
Man, if she does that, and falls in with some other guy right away, a big part of me is going to feel some major failure in this decision.
I guess another part of me is also hanging on to her. Hoping somehow that she'll still be there for me when I'm all happy and I have my life together again. How totally selfish.
I'd never want to give her any false hope, but I sure feel it right now.
The only negative thing that I have thought about regarding her is the fear that now that she's alone she could be raped or killed or both. Protection.
I totally can't watch the news now if they mention another missing woman, or watching Cold Case Files and they have some old black and white photos of some poor woman's body in the bushes somewhere, I have to turn it off. I am instantly afraid for her out in that fucked up world. At least for the last 12 years I knew she was safe because she was laying beside me. Fuck.
Hmm, I have also been terrified that she is going to bounce straight into the arms of another man. Skipping any period of growth, I mean she is soo fucking beautiful, the boys are going to be clamouring all over themselves to get to her.
It may start with a moment of weakness on her part, but she may then just slip right into the same pattern with another man that is in the right place at the right time during that weakness.
Fuck, that thought makes me feel so bad. I am partially doing this out of love for her, this is the only way I can think that would force her to live for herself first. Of course, it's for me too, but in all my months and months and months of thinking about it, I always weighed out both sides, and saw her being alone as a good thing for her. She never has been on her own for more than a few weeks.
Her live-together boyfriend of 4 years had left their apartment the VERY DAY I met her. Seriously, the day they broke up was the day we started seeing eachother, and they were together for 4 years, us 12.
Man, if she does that, and falls in with some other guy right away, a big part of me is going to feel some major failure in this decision.
I guess another part of me is also hanging on to her. Hoping somehow that she'll still be there for me when I'm all happy and I have my life together again. How totally selfish.
I'd never want to give her any false hope, but I sure feel it right now.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
WHADDYA MEAN BALEEEEETED?
I just deleted RubySparkles post. meant to be clicking on the quote button. --Guess what, there ISN'T a quote button in your journal.
Meant to say Ruby, that that must have totally sucked for you. I think I'd be kind of angry in your position after that.
[Edited on Aug 10, 2004 11:24PM]