sunday morning. looks beautiful out there today.
I had a mellow saturday night at home, which I suppose makes two mellow evenings at home, or a mellow weekend alone at home.... whatever.
Last night was the "celebration of light" down here in the west end. Every summer they have fireworks on Wednesday and Saturday for 2.5 weeks, and the numbers I heard were 500,000 people stream down here to watch the competition.
After living in the west end for so many years, I'm not a big fan of the fireworks. Mostly it has turned into an excuse for all the drunken lugans to crawl out of the burbs, come down to 'fagville' and look for fights. Invariably the morning after the fireworks, the neighborhood around here is littered with empty bottles, dented cars, broken windows, destroyed signs etc. So I got into the habit of closing the windows, shutting the blinds, and turning up what ever it is I am watching or listening to really loud. Just wait for it to be over.
Well, last night I had to take the dog out right when the crowds were at their fullest. The dog, he don't like the crowds much. Anyways, I found myself out there surrounded my thousands of strangers, and as I walked among them waiting for the dog to do his business (oh god i hope his diarreah is over)
I scanned all the faces.
Alot of the women I saw struck me as attractive in various ways. There were the over 40 in-shape hot cougar moms, the mid 20's jockish cheerleader types, the 30 something art-head women with their horn rimmed glasses and ink peeking up from the belt of their jeans, the loud groups of the 'almost 20' girls, (I call those groups gaggles.), the suburban skate betties, blue eyed punks with the sharp cheekbones.... Every now and then, even a studious looking librarian type with that glint of a dirty secret in her eye.
So many pretty people.
But at the same time, it struck me that not one of these people had anything I needed.
--I wasn't down on them.
--I wasn't thinking what I'd thought in the past (yeah, yer pretty, but man I bet you have some serious fuckin hangups.)
I just had sort of a warm calm come over me and I kinda smiled. I realized that nobody has anything I need. Not even she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-'her'.
Me and the dog walked back up to my apartment here, I opened up all the blinds, cranked open all the windows and tuned the reciever to the station that was playing the music for the fireworks. I cranked up the volume and leaned out the front window overlooking harwood st. I could see some of the higher fireworks over the top of the 11 storey building across from me and I just hung out there and watched. Not really thinking anything at all, just kinda zoned out, observing, but without that cacophony of chatter that normally goes on inside my head.
Eventually, Sweden ejaculated its finale high and loud, the ghettobird police helicopter came into action with its floodlight on the crowds and the people started streaming out. I hung out 2 storeys above them at my window and smoked. Just watching them all head back to their houses in the valleys.
I felt totally alone.
Totally, completely alone, but oddly, not lonely.
I can't really explain it, just a small hint of a smile on my face and some new thing poking at me from deep inside.
None of them have anything I need. Currently, even I don't have what I need, but I think that thing poking me from inside was the beginning of the realization that I will have what I need eventually, and only I can supply it. I just have to stick it out during the low points.
Well, I've got yet another big 'chore day' planned and it's going to start with a trip to that old place I used to know so well called The Gym.
I had a mellow saturday night at home, which I suppose makes two mellow evenings at home, or a mellow weekend alone at home.... whatever.
Last night was the "celebration of light" down here in the west end. Every summer they have fireworks on Wednesday and Saturday for 2.5 weeks, and the numbers I heard were 500,000 people stream down here to watch the competition.
After living in the west end for so many years, I'm not a big fan of the fireworks. Mostly it has turned into an excuse for all the drunken lugans to crawl out of the burbs, come down to 'fagville' and look for fights. Invariably the morning after the fireworks, the neighborhood around here is littered with empty bottles, dented cars, broken windows, destroyed signs etc. So I got into the habit of closing the windows, shutting the blinds, and turning up what ever it is I am watching or listening to really loud. Just wait for it to be over.
Well, last night I had to take the dog out right when the crowds were at their fullest. The dog, he don't like the crowds much. Anyways, I found myself out there surrounded my thousands of strangers, and as I walked among them waiting for the dog to do his business (oh god i hope his diarreah is over)
I scanned all the faces.
Alot of the women I saw struck me as attractive in various ways. There were the over 40 in-shape hot cougar moms, the mid 20's jockish cheerleader types, the 30 something art-head women with their horn rimmed glasses and ink peeking up from the belt of their jeans, the loud groups of the 'almost 20' girls, (I call those groups gaggles.), the suburban skate betties, blue eyed punks with the sharp cheekbones.... Every now and then, even a studious looking librarian type with that glint of a dirty secret in her eye.
So many pretty people.
But at the same time, it struck me that not one of these people had anything I needed.
--I wasn't down on them.
--I wasn't thinking what I'd thought in the past (yeah, yer pretty, but man I bet you have some serious fuckin hangups.)
I just had sort of a warm calm come over me and I kinda smiled. I realized that nobody has anything I need. Not even she-who-will-be-referred-to-as-'her'.
Me and the dog walked back up to my apartment here, I opened up all the blinds, cranked open all the windows and tuned the reciever to the station that was playing the music for the fireworks. I cranked up the volume and leaned out the front window overlooking harwood st. I could see some of the higher fireworks over the top of the 11 storey building across from me and I just hung out there and watched. Not really thinking anything at all, just kinda zoned out, observing, but without that cacophony of chatter that normally goes on inside my head.
Eventually, Sweden ejaculated its finale high and loud, the ghettobird police helicopter came into action with its floodlight on the crowds and the people started streaming out. I hung out 2 storeys above them at my window and smoked. Just watching them all head back to their houses in the valleys.
I felt totally alone.
Totally, completely alone, but oddly, not lonely.
I can't really explain it, just a small hint of a smile on my face and some new thing poking at me from deep inside.
None of them have anything I need. Currently, even I don't have what I need, but I think that thing poking me from inside was the beginning of the realization that I will have what I need eventually, and only I can supply it. I just have to stick it out during the low points.
Well, I've got yet another big 'chore day' planned and it's going to start with a trip to that old place I used to know so well called The Gym.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
dems fightin werds.