I've been thinking alot today about the conversation I had with her mom yesterday. I didn't stay out there long, I probably pulled up at the house around 2:00pm. The highway conditions were not pleasant, so driving was slow. It wasn't really raining, nor was it foggy. It was like a heavy heavy mist, almost rain-like, but the drops were too small to fall fast,...
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weird. I have been listening to the new ministry CD repetatively for the last 36 hours now. fucking LOVE IT. They are going to be playing here near the end of september at a relatively small venue (The Commodore) I am SO looking forward to that.
Anyways, I drove out the valley yesterday to see the ex-mother-in-law, Yeah, her mom.
There's a whole other side...
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Anyways, I drove out the valley yesterday to see the ex-mother-in-law, Yeah, her mom.
There's a whole other side...
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pica_pica:
yeah, i think that dream i had about her getting into the car with my friend and seeing her smile that nasty sarcastic smile at me was the laughing while I bleed part.
We had quite a few emails back and forth last week as we tried to set up the dog meeting, hers were all over the map. In the first one, holy she was angry... really shooting nasty lines out at me. Then the next one would be all flatline legalese, and then 10 minutes later a friendly thankyou....
I think she may be having a difficult time figuring out exactly where she has to be with this period of time.
I'm afraid she might be upset that I went out to see HER mom...
I am also more than concerned that she has been told a little secret by a certain somebody about me and this site. I totally am getting the feeling that she knows I am posting here. I am thinking that she's in here. Don't ask me why. you know the answer.
We had quite a few emails back and forth last week as we tried to set up the dog meeting, hers were all over the map. In the first one, holy she was angry... really shooting nasty lines out at me. Then the next one would be all flatline legalese, and then 10 minutes later a friendly thankyou....
I think she may be having a difficult time figuring out exactly where she has to be with this period of time.
I'm afraid she might be upset that I went out to see HER mom...
I am also more than concerned that she has been told a little secret by a certain somebody about me and this site. I totally am getting the feeling that she knows I am posting here. I am thinking that she's in here. Don't ask me why. you know the answer.
wtf:
scary, I know the feeling...........
Ok, there were some important dreams. Finally.
Something about Duality. Some woman was my best friend and it was she-who-isn't-here. Her middle name is June and I dreamt of her last night. Carol? Carolynn? Barbara? Sharon? Patricia?
Anyways, I wake now knowing I had an important dream, but I was too intoxicated through my sleep to be there for it. I'm sorry soul, sorry I...
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Something about Duality. Some woman was my best friend and it was she-who-isn't-here. Her middle name is June and I dreamt of her last night. Carol? Carolynn? Barbara? Sharon? Patricia?
Anyways, I wake now knowing I had an important dream, but I was too intoxicated through my sleep to be there for it. I'm sorry soul, sorry I...
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wtf:
I truly hate when that happens, the left out feeling that you get. Like everybody but your conscious mind was out partying and knows something you don't. But enjoy because at least the empties are there so you "know" somehow that something cool went down last night, even if you don't quite remember it all. 
amaryllis111:
got your friend request. funny, I was checking out some of your comments in the cockaholics group earlier. thought I'd say hello 
There is something there for the psychologists.
I hesitantly agreed to go out for drinks after work yesterday with a friend from work. I said no at first, nah, thanks man, I gotta just concentrate on keeping my shit straight, going out drinking . Doesnt really feel like what I should be doing right now maybe next week.
Come on man, itll do you good,...
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I hesitantly agreed to go out for drinks after work yesterday with a friend from work. I said no at first, nah, thanks man, I gotta just concentrate on keeping my shit straight, going out drinking . Doesnt really feel like what I should be doing right now maybe next week.
Come on man, itll do you good,...
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sluttygoodgirl:
Wow. I never know what to say to your journal entries, there is just so much there. I gain a lot from reading them though, so thank you for sharing. I hope your visit with the exes Mom goes ok.
ryan:
"I love being able to walk around naked in my house.
Except, maybe, when I am cooking bacon."
that was a very funny thing to imagine myself doing... and actually getting hurt...
you know, i really feel for you. granted i don't know the half of it... i know that 12 years is a long time to just try to forget about. *hugs* my loss is insignificant to that... and i know i'll still be friends with him... i'm sure in time, after the wounds have had a chance to heal, there may be a chance to salvage a friendship. you never know. you can't predict anything in the future...everything is uncertain. i find the more pessimistic i am, the less i'm actually disappointed and the more i'm pleased when things turn well.
Except, maybe, when I am cooking bacon."
that was a very funny thing to imagine myself doing... and actually getting hurt...
you know, i really feel for you. granted i don't know the half of it... i know that 12 years is a long time to just try to forget about. *hugs* my loss is insignificant to that... and i know i'll still be friends with him... i'm sure in time, after the wounds have had a chance to heal, there may be a chance to salvage a friendship. you never know. you can't predict anything in the future...everything is uncertain. i find the more pessimistic i am, the less i'm actually disappointed and the more i'm pleased when things turn well.
magpie drama.
someone plucked the eyes from a peacock
and layed them like eggs
in the nest of a crow.
squinting, the left
is still dough.
Right, swells to a bursting frown:
fledgling white and black and bloodshot,
thrusting murderous in the down.
someone plucked the eyes from a peacock
and layed them like eggs
in the nest of a crow.
squinting, the left
is still dough.
Right, swells to a bursting frown:
fledgling white and black and bloodshot,
thrusting murderous in the down.
ok. well, that was hard.
It's weird, I was walking up Bute st, past the West Valley produce market, and I could see her from two blocks away. Funny how after all those years, you can just pick them out in a crowd so quickly.
'fuck. Well, there she is.. remember don't say anything. no words. nothing.'
Walking closer, I started talking to Morgan.
"who's...
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It's weird, I was walking up Bute st, past the West Valley produce market, and I could see her from two blocks away. Funny how after all those years, you can just pick them out in a crowd so quickly.
'fuck. Well, there she is.. remember don't say anything. no words. nothing.'
Walking closer, I started talking to Morgan.
"who's...
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VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
collapsingstar:
Wow. Haven't been there but I've been somewhere near there. A time of life you'll never be able to forget, and even as aching as it is, you'll never really want to forget it either.
Hmm let me see. Yes thats a good one.
Someone once told me that when you lose someone; to death or just circumstance, you don't actually morn the loss of the person but rather you mourn the loss of the time you thought you had together. I can feel a rant coming on. It's gotta be that evil "expectation" I'm thinkin about.
....
Ok so I just went back and read about 5 days worth of your journalife. And yes expectation is a killer and yes loss of time rather than loss of person blah blah bleh..
I said I've been near there but damn I had no idea just how near. Fortunately my trials have finally subsided. I managed to keep one of my relationships but the other one..holy god!! changed my perspective on what I thought was viable reality. The "friend" in question turned out to be a clinical sociopath, entrenched in a triangle with my "at the time" not so ex girl who was and is still living with me... Anyway. Your journal, not mine.
My sympathy. yah sure. Definitely. I can understand the emotional insanity of your time. Logic and emotion are bitter foes and if emotion has the floor, logic doesnt even get a vote. So dont beat yourself up too much for the trust breach, and try your best to understand that no matter how hard you try to understand (HA!) this all right now, it's only with time and space away from it that you will glean any actual serenity. Seriously. Time and space. At least, that's my sincerest hope.
Hmm let me see. Yes thats a good one.
Someone once told me that when you lose someone; to death or just circumstance, you don't actually morn the loss of the person but rather you mourn the loss of the time you thought you had together. I can feel a rant coming on. It's gotta be that evil "expectation" I'm thinkin about.
....
Ok so I just went back and read about 5 days worth of your journalife. And yes expectation is a killer and yes loss of time rather than loss of person blah blah bleh..
I said I've been near there but damn I had no idea just how near. Fortunately my trials have finally subsided. I managed to keep one of my relationships but the other one..holy god!! changed my perspective on what I thought was viable reality. The "friend" in question turned out to be a clinical sociopath, entrenched in a triangle with my "at the time" not so ex girl who was and is still living with me... Anyway. Your journal, not mine.
My sympathy. yah sure. Definitely. I can understand the emotional insanity of your time. Logic and emotion are bitter foes and if emotion has the floor, logic doesnt even get a vote. So dont beat yourself up too much for the trust breach, and try your best to understand that no matter how hard you try to understand (HA!) this all right now, it's only with time and space away from it that you will glean any actual serenity. Seriously. Time and space. At least, that's my sincerest hope.
pica_pica:
Thanks you guys, It really feels good to be able to be heard here, there is a huge possibility that I would be lost in this vortex of confusion, I appreciate your comments.
a good friend of mine said something once that really made me think:
"yeah, I dunno man, weird."
Basically, no matter what, if I allow myself to care about this, I can do nothing but speculate about what could have possibly happened in those 3 hours. I have NO idea what it could be. Maybe a reaction to the ring, maybe a reaction to having to bring morgan back, who knows. It really bothered me for about an hour. "why the fuck was she totally glaring at me like that?"
I handed her the photocopies of all the vet bills, and she broke the silence rule by asking "what's that?" when I handed her the folded white sheets. I suppose she thought it was another note.
"the photocopies you asked for".
She took them, silence. Her eyes are puffy and soft around the edges, but the insides look dangerously sharp.
she had a bag of doggie doo doo in her hand. I offered to take it because I was going past a bin and she wasn't. She just glared and said something i didn't catch. I got the distinct impression that she would very much have liked to just open that bag up and give me some twisted japanese spa facial treatment. I walked back here, totally frustrated and confused.
Well fuck it. I suppose its the little things like that that actually help me out here. After I first dropped him off, after seeing her for the first time in so long, I walked away from that with a fresh sorrow, a fresh feeling of loss and a fresh feeling of uncertainty that I did the right thing in ending this.
3 hours later, I am walking away full of frustration and confusion as I try to backtrack inside my head to isolate the cause of her reaction. Then finally it dawns on me that that type of shit happened in just about every argument we ever had. I would try so hard to dig down inside of me, get past the wall I would sometimes build up and find out what was really going on inside me, then tell her. Fully honest about what I was feeling, even if at times it made me sound like an idiot. She would then respond, still in the anger of the moment, and her response would be nothing to do with what I had just said. It would be in response to what she thought I meant by what I just said. Fuck that was frustrating. It never changed either.
So yeah, I guess I won't ever know what the hell happened last with her last night, but I'm left with two things here:
1. a renewed conviction that I am definately doing the right thing here.
2. I feel a little sorry for her.
a good friend of mine said something once that really made me think:
"yeah, I dunno man, weird."
Basically, no matter what, if I allow myself to care about this, I can do nothing but speculate about what could have possibly happened in those 3 hours. I have NO idea what it could be. Maybe a reaction to the ring, maybe a reaction to having to bring morgan back, who knows. It really bothered me for about an hour. "why the fuck was she totally glaring at me like that?"
I handed her the photocopies of all the vet bills, and she broke the silence rule by asking "what's that?" when I handed her the folded white sheets. I suppose she thought it was another note.
"the photocopies you asked for".
She took them, silence. Her eyes are puffy and soft around the edges, but the insides look dangerously sharp.
she had a bag of doggie doo doo in her hand. I offered to take it because I was going past a bin and she wasn't. She just glared and said something i didn't catch. I got the distinct impression that she would very much have liked to just open that bag up and give me some twisted japanese spa facial treatment. I walked back here, totally frustrated and confused.
Well fuck it. I suppose its the little things like that that actually help me out here. After I first dropped him off, after seeing her for the first time in so long, I walked away from that with a fresh sorrow, a fresh feeling of loss and a fresh feeling of uncertainty that I did the right thing in ending this.
3 hours later, I am walking away full of frustration and confusion as I try to backtrack inside my head to isolate the cause of her reaction. Then finally it dawns on me that that type of shit happened in just about every argument we ever had. I would try so hard to dig down inside of me, get past the wall I would sometimes build up and find out what was really going on inside me, then tell her. Fully honest about what I was feeling, even if at times it made me sound like an idiot. She would then respond, still in the anger of the moment, and her response would be nothing to do with what I had just said. It would be in response to what she thought I meant by what I just said. Fuck that was frustrating. It never changed either.
So yeah, I guess I won't ever know what the hell happened last with her last night, but I'm left with two things here:
1. a renewed conviction that I am definately doing the right thing here.
2. I feel a little sorry for her.
Oh my god what a relief!
I had been fully preparing myself for the worst with Morgan's state of health.
(morgan, by the way, is the dog's name.)
So many vet visits this month, and all the urinalisis and blood work kept pointing towards cushings disease. He has all the symptoms of it as well. We even ran a second duplicate blood test a week...
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I had been fully preparing myself for the worst with Morgan's state of health.
(morgan, by the way, is the dog's name.)
So many vet visits this month, and all the urinalisis and blood work kept pointing towards cushings disease. He has all the symptoms of it as well. We even ran a second duplicate blood test a week...
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antiprincess:
That's really awesome about your dog. I'm so happy for you.
Dude, I'm nervous for you, seeing her for the first time in 6 weeks.
Dude, I'm nervous for you, seeing her for the first time in 6 weeks.
pica_pica:
aaack!
This is the longest period of time I have ever gone in the last 12 years without seeing her face.
Fuck yeah I'm way more nervous than I thought I was going to be!!
12 minutes and counting.... 1 minute per year.
on the bright side, I am so glad I've lost 32 pounds since she saw me last. how vain.
This is the longest period of time I have ever gone in the last 12 years without seeing her face.
Fuck yeah I'm way more nervous than I thought I was going to be!!
12 minutes and counting.... 1 minute per year.
on the bright side, I am so glad I've lost 32 pounds since she saw me last.
how vain.
There was never any chance of 'her' tripping across my posts on this site. At least I didn't think so.
I have been able to just come here and vent, think, hide, and yes, sometimes I even figure stuff out.
I've been totally honest, embarassingly so at times. I don't want to lose that, but I just realized that it's entirely possible that this URL...
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I have been able to just come here and vent, think, hide, and yes, sometimes I even figure stuff out.
I've been totally honest, embarassingly so at times. I don't want to lose that, but I just realized that it's entirely possible that this URL...
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I was just taking a slow walk through the last 6 weeks of my journal, I guess trying to place myself on the map tonight. Where am I again? Howd I get here?
I started at the very first day, the day of the break up, and got as far as a post that I had started writing back in early August, it was a...
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I started at the very first day, the day of the break up, and got as far as a post that I had started writing back in early August, it was a...
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pffffffft.
What a nightmarish week that was. Man.
Thank god it's been a week now, that was some seriously painful shit to wade through.
Well, I remained unable to get any depth of honesty from him on this, and it became apparent to me that in all the times in the past when I doubted my intuition, when I disrespected its presence and rebelled, when...
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What a nightmarish week that was. Man.
Thank god it's been a week now, that was some seriously painful shit to wade through.
Well, I remained unable to get any depth of honesty from him on this, and it became apparent to me that in all the times in the past when I doubted my intuition, when I disrespected its presence and rebelled, when...
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wtf:
I'm going out to get that book today. Checked it out and read the first couple of pages on Amazon. Don't want to wait days for shipping. Hope I can get "B" to read it. Would be good for him and his Ego. If not I know I'll enjoy it. I know what you mean by only being able to absorb so much at a time.Crucial Conversations was a book I tried to get him to read during a strike situation at his work and ended up reading myself and got a lot out of. Almost seems like you've already read it....
Preschool age, somewhere between 4 and maybe 6, I can remember telling my mom about the cartoons I see in my head, how they show me things at the end of a long tunnel, but sometimes the movies show too fast and I can't see what they are. There is a weird feeling that comes with them, that I end up calling 'the cartoon feeling'....
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bluechild:
i'm only gonna give you this :*
anything else, just doesnt matter
anything else, just doesnt matter
wtf:
the little flash of pic! 
Nobody's life is entirely free of pain and sorrow. Isn't it a question of learning to live with them rather than trying to avoid them?
The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.
The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is....
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The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.
The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is....
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VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
sluttygoodgirl:
Thank you for your post. Man, I know about those images in your head. They come at me at the worst times - well, I guess there could never be a "good" time to have to think about those things. I just don't understand how he could do that. What does it mean for us? About his feelings for me? What has it done to my feelings for him?
I know you are right about the pain of betrayal subsiding...but it seems so far away at the moment. So many thoughts and feelings that need to be explored and sorted through, and it takes time. I often just want to RUN as fast as I can away from here. But I know that won't take away the pain. I wish I could be sure what is going to happen, it's the not knowing that can be so hard sometimes too. What you said at the end of your post rings so true for me.....already we have learned so much about each other, and ourselves through all that has happened. I just hope we can come out on the other side with our family intact, and a way for all of us to be happy.
I know you are right about the pain of betrayal subsiding...but it seems so far away at the moment. So many thoughts and feelings that need to be explored and sorted through, and it takes time. I often just want to RUN as fast as I can away from here. But I know that won't take away the pain. I wish I could be sure what is going to happen, it's the not knowing that can be so hard sometimes too. What you said at the end of your post rings so true for me.....already we have learned so much about each other, and ourselves through all that has happened. I just hope we can come out on the other side with our family intact, and a way for all of us to be happy.
The friendship she had with you was only there because of the relationship. It was a conditional friendship.
[Edited on Jun 06, 2005 9:23PM]