pica_pica

The ol' "I can only choose the way I respond"

I used to chant that while driving in gridlock, how I miss it. Remind me of that in a few weeks.

Remember to smile and wave? She's not getting to you that easy afterall. At least don't let her think so.

Thanks for the vibes...

That drunken Larry stuff is pretty funny.. Are you going to ask him? I think I'll ask Drunken Larry. Scary.

...

[Edited on Sep 09, 2004 6:22PM]

I think you are right. I know.

I am having a bit of an issue with sitting for long periods of time at the computer right now. It's that whole cigarette trigger thing. I sat here on Friday night, and between 9:00 pm and midnight, i smoked a pack.

Needless to say, I've been a little fragmented this week, and also, I am going through a bit of a tough time with a rather major decision regarding the dog and her.
I'm Stuck between right and wrong, mostly because I don't know which one is which. I'll explain that a little bit better tonight before I go to bed. I am going to need some input on this and I will most likely update my journal and leave it up for a few days on the same page for an open debate or something.
Thanks you guys.

And hey Ruby... special thanks to you for your hatred of cigarettes. Your comment that you made that day at The Whip
(that I was probably the last smoker in the city)
really stood out in my getting ready to quit.

more pics!!! more pics!!! more pics!!

Whew... the "Swingers" curse has surfaced, just not full force. Though it wouldn't It's not one of those cases of you vs. her wanting each other back. It's (about the f-ing dog) *sounds bad huh?* Poor Morgan

Go ahead and be selfish! At least for a day or so. Or until you can fight the urge to not walk away with her face image burned into your memory and a cig. memory burned into your fingers. Emotional triggers suck and they don't call it "hell week" for nothing!

Kudos on the clean place. Dream on, dream on.......

Have I guessed Matthew?

I can feel it still under there somewhere. The right thing to do, that is.

Not sure what you meant there not_here.
I re-read that sentence a couple of times, and it means different things if the word "though it wouldn't" was written "thought it wouldn't"... confused... not sure if that's a typo or not.

Ok, well, I am off to the gym here. I am concentrating on 3 things here, and 3 things only. The first and foremost is not even really part of the triad. It's the base, and that's the fact that I am not smoking. Funny, I can't even say I am concentrating on it, because it seems incredibly easy this time around. The first day was tough, but that was Saturday.

The other two things are built on top of the not smoking base: That's my SuperHero workout schedule, (I still have a new goal of becoming a super hero. I think a cowboy motif is starting to win out. Urban Cowboy Super Hero?) and secondly is the rebirth of a livable space here: my apartment.
Tonight, I am going to be moving a bunch of shit all over the place in here, including the computer desk which weighs about 250 pounds, (it's an old 1940's stenographers desk) so that should be interesting.

yeah, I used it for 2 days straight. although it didn't even occur to me to try writing my name! next time...

mexican girls rule!!!!!...

good on ya mate.

eeh?? no sex toys!? whaaa?????

bu

torture!

Damn that was a great day.
I haven't laughed that much in a long long time.

I didn't expect laughter, not that much of it. I picked her up at her work at 2:30, instantly talking like we always used to. instantly connected again after all those years. We drove up to Lynn Canyon Headwaters park. It was gorgeous today, blue sky, but with really fast and explosively changing thick white clouds pressing up over the ridge of the mountain above us from the west. We took the trail through the forest that went about 8 km round trip up along the rivers edge.

We just walked and talked and eventually found a spot by the river where we could just sit and watch the water. Caught up on a lot that we've missed out on in each others lives over the years. I caught flashbacks to all the times in the past when I would be watching those lips move.

Well, we covered around 8km, We ran some tests on a huge banana slug with a fake godzilla leaf attack to see if slugs actually had any sense of self preservation when facing a large thundering leaf godzilla roaring over the horizon. The slug didn't look too impressed or scared either way. I don't think it was afraid. We got some pics of some trees. and I probably took some pics of the top of my head with the disposable camera I brought. and it was getting dark in the forest. Sunset. Time to get back.

Funny how things are sometimes. as we were walking back to the parking lot, I found myself saying
"that was great, man I'd love to do that again sometime" Then I caught myself."Wait a minute, we still ARE doing this, and I'm already talking about it in past tense."

I can't remember everything that was said, but man my stomach was actually sore from laughing by the time we got back to my bronco. She talked about her boyfriend, and how she had something very valuable in him. I was thinking about this poem I wrote back in 1992, the one above, I was a bit silenced inside knowing that there is still a situation between us that forces the necessity of doing "the right thing". I was a little bit sad as I drove her back to her house. We talked some more in the truck for a little bit, her boyfriend would be home soon. I was wondering about her armpits again.

[Edited on Sep 04, 2004 11:31PM]

hey pica p. sounds like you are as ontalogically fucked as i am bound to be in a few years time! (hey, it's a compliment, really )
i like the poem- especially verse (stanza?) three.
nice sense of description
and "masochistic talons of our morbid fortitude" is a pretty fine line too.
hope you're still laughin'

Thanks not_here. I'm always happy to see your purple text box in my journal. Relate.

"Good luck with your journey"
Ha, thanks, I think I need that. I hear that pink floyd sound bite right now from The Wall

"is there anybody out there?"

I think as far as me going on and on about the last 7 weeks is concerned though, Tonight is pretty much the end of that. I have to begin to resolve inside myself that she's just not able to do this the way I want her to do it. I could go on and on thinking about it, but I've had about enough of that.
I have to just understand the fact that I broke up with this person for some very real reasons. Those reasons were to do with her inability to react properly to life's shit. It was always very important to me that we both grew, and it was incredibly frustrating to stand by and watch her not grow, or to stand by and witness her being one of "them".

why then, am I so surprised and frustrated right now after the breakup, and she has simply continued to be herself?

zactly.

You said her name!

I totally agree with you. My ex and I are trying the friend thing out, and it's going relatively okay. More importantly (logistically, not emotionally), we're keeping the e-mail lines completely open for things like "I cancelled PG&E in my name today, you need to call them before tomorrow."

We were best friends for 6 years, and there was no hate or deception, etc. involved in our relationship. There's no reason we can't still maintain the same open communication we had for such a long time.

I dare say that if she could write you off as even a friend, not honor your friendship simply because you were broke up she has already wrote Morgan off..... her last walk with the dog was probably to say good-bye. Maybe to hurt you, maybe not. Seems how she does things no?

The new guy is probably thinking, "Wow, hmmmm. this meal looks good! Guess she really is over him. Seems safe for me to move on in now. Why would any guy give this up?" Don't htey all when they don't bother to know hte bad with the good?

Karma.

Don't feel that way about the bathroom mirror.. you are what you think you are.......

"why would any guy give this up"

yes, I see that as exactly where he would be. She is a beautiful woman and can be quite entertaining to be around. The only issue is going to come up, however, once they get past the fun, and start falling into the emotional aspects.

Then he'll see another side of her that seems so out of character, and she so obviously doesn't have the potential to get past whatever her deeper issues are that creep in and invade her mental processes when shit gets hard. I am so sad for her in a way, this type of shit is going to follow her around for the rest of her life. Who knows, maybe she's actually going in for therapy right now and she will eventually grow through this, but I doubt it.
As my friend put it last night,
"she's a simple lady"

I guaranteed him that within 2 years, she will be married and pregnant. He doubted it.
One of the reasons I didn't feel positive about marrying her and having a baby was that I was concerned for the babies mental state growing up with her as it's mother. So I will be so sad when that day comes

You wanted her to be happy, all your feeling have always been right.

... is she?

[Edited on Sep 01, 2004 10:28PM]

feng shui get rid of old, bad things and you WILL receive new, good things

[Edited on Aug 30, 2004 9:13PM]