i feel very stupid right now,

i have a class where all the quizes are submitted on line, and i thought i compleated all the quezes for last week, so at about 830 this evening, i decided to look on line to see what the next quize would be. only first i wanted to see what would happen if i googled some stuff... so at about 859 i log onto the quize site only to find that i have just missed the first chapter quize and that the deadline was 9pm. i feel stupid!!!
and this is directly related to my ability to reason correctly because...
i am also haveing a hard time with the usual stuff today, its a holiday, i was remembering when me and ex-boyfirend would go to the lake and grill stuff and he could never get the fire started, and i would have to do that... and blah blah blah

slippery slope... so i go for a walk, then the crazies start to creep in,i'm thinking, his new house is totally within walking distance, now i went for a walk to get my mind off him, so i walk up by the rittzy private collage to look at all the fancy people, and i start to think, oh god, i think he actually lives closer to me now than he did when we were dating, and then the unthingkable creeps into my head....
this is something so private and disgusting i am in shock of myself.

i think, what if i walked over there right now, and asked him if he wanted to get married.....
at this point i stop walking and i actually puke on the sidewalk.
i don't even know how these thoughts come from,
well i start to think about it and thank god i rationalized my self out of something stupid, i start of think about the life i would have being mrs jon. how his colleagues would laugh at me at parties, or worse, him at work latter for being with me, how i would have to not be an anthropologist, and get some office job and move to the sububrs, how i'd spend my life being fat and angry about not going out, and taking care of children that he would continually analyze. i would end up hating myself and him.. like i was when we broke up and then i feel ok, and
its ok that i'm soo fucked up i can't remember stupid shit, like my homework, or i get so horny, but feel so lonely and the thought of fucking another person just makes me feel bad, its like i'm stuck in a sineade o'coner album. so then i just feel stupid!!!

and i am thankful that this day is almost over, and i can start over tomarrow