phoenixshadow

What might have been?

"Have you ever thought of what might have been? Have you ever dreamt of making a change, to a descision, you made so many years ago? I do. I think of it everytime, I think of her. I think of how I chose friendship, over the growing feelings, over physical attraction, and chose friendship, over possible love. I think how I have all but lost the friendship I fought so hard to protect anyway, which makes my 'safe bet..' A loss. I wonder what it would have been like, to throw safety to the wind, just to know the taste of yours lips, the warmth of your lover's embrace. Would it have been worth it? Would it have worked? Would it bring us closer, or drive us further apart? I wonder."

Last night was interesting. Went to meet my friend Tasha at Ceremony last night to hang out. Like so many of my friends, I don't get to see her as often as I should, so I was looking forward to it. However, her phone was off, and it wasn't long before I found myself, stood up. To Tasha's defense, I was suppose to call to remind her cause her memory is like a goldfish, but where the phone was off... yeah well, anyway, not the point of my story.

The point of the story is I had run into a High School friend of mine Kobe, who was the first to introduce me to Boston's Goth Scene. I hadn't seen her in forever, she goes to school in Rhode Island, always busy, and she said the only time she came up recently is because she dances for Fantasy Factory the third Friday of every month. It was interesting. You know sometimes when you don't see someone for months it seems, and you run into each other to catch up, it takes a moment to get comfortable again. To get to the point where it is like old times... last night the polar opposite happened. We sat there for awhile talking, catching up, and it all came out so easily.

It made me realize why I used to be in love with her. I still love her, more then I can say, but seeing her last night, seemed extraordinary. This sounds like I am still in love with her, but there is only one person who has my heart these days. Kobe and I never dated, but back in High School, I had that opportunity, and didn't go for it, cause I was afraid of f@#king our friendship. We lost contact for a bit, then when we started hanging out again, I made a play to fix my mistake. She said our chance was long since gone. I understood. That was a couple years ago, before the maddness that was Erin.

So I ended up going home early, walked in the rain awhile to think. Wrote the piece above on the bus last night. Do you ever think of what might have? We had shared one kiss, when I was departing from a bunch of us hanging out to go to work. I was late and hadn't the time to react. I celebrated all the way to work, driving like an idiot. While working, I made plans to bring to school a rose that Monday, and ask her if she wanted to go out. Cheese I know, but well, you can call me cheddar. The problem was, it was a Saturday we kissed, which gave me an entire Sunday to think. Of both of our past relationships, and what would have happened to our friendship, if we didn't work out. So I did squat.

Who else has had a moment, in there lifes, where you regret your choice. Tell me about it.