The 5 Most Frustrating Games Ever.
By Squirrel on 06/18/02
Being a complete nerd with almost no semblance of a social life in any way, shape, or form I normally end up finding myself playing video games. Ive already went into my long boring story of why Im into them so much, so Ill just say that time has not allowed me to mature to the point in which Id stop playing them in order to do something that people my age are supposed to do in order to show their maturity. Personally, I feel concepts like finding a girlfriend and getting a job are ludicrous, after all, how am I supposed to waste all of my time every day if I actually have stuff to do, completely destroying my free time? Honestly, I just wish that my Perfect World plan would be able to come into fruition, because it would allow me to keep up my slackerness and maybe even improve on it a bit. Say what you will about my loser-hood, but trust me when I say that Im always trying to find ways to make it more efficient, until I can finally get to the point where my body stops functioning and my brain has transcended to the point where my entire being is pure energy. After that happens I wont be able to die, since energy cant be destroyed, so Ill just end up floating around doing energy-type things. Actually, Im lying; Ill probably end up using my newfound energy-style life to play more videogames or something, because I probably wouldnt make very good energy.
Well, back in the real world, I have to find a way to get my Perfect World scheme to actually work. After all, how could my plan that seems to make as much sense as your run-of-the-mill Star Trek cult end up working when Im nothing more than your average college slacker, wasting his life by holding on vigorously to his childhood, almost to the point where a psychologist could probably diagnose me with some sort of mental disease? Simple, Ill do what I always do and just come up with the plan and let it work itself out. You see, after youre a slacker for so long you end up realizing that, unlike what most people believe, if you lie around and do nothing for a long enough time then things will end up coming to you. Granted, you might have to get up and move the things so that theyre closer to you, but you can always lie about it as long as nobody is around. After all, its not like theyre going to stick security cameras in your place of living in order to record every waking second of your life, its not like your interesting or anything if you sit around on a couch all day. Then again, you could be a camgirl who sits around on your couch naked all day, which would probably end up causing a bunch of fat old men to buy you stuff until you end up getting as old and fat as they are. After this you end up losing your place of residence and you end up starting a camgirl site about XXX Crazy Homeless Girl, who sits around naked in a box all day waiting for people to give her quarters so that she can buy some crack. Then you end up getting hit by a bus so that we can move on to something else that makes no sense.
Back to the Perfect World scheme. Okay, weve already established that your poor friends arent going to watch you every waking moment with surveillance equipment because theyre either poor or disenfranchised, so either way they end up getting green mohawks and going down the road, bashing their heads into parked cars until they pass out from a major concussion. As such, you can get people to believe that things naturally come to you because you are just that lazy. After this happens people will end up telling other people about you and your magical powers, because people are really bad at keeping secrets and as such like to gossip about all sorts of inconsequential things. Add the fact that people love to throw hyperbole into every story they tell and soon youre going to end up being a cult character in bad bar stories. Yeah, I have this friend whos like Magneto. Hes really lazy and everything ends up coming to him. I asked him how it works and he said it had something to with gravity and polar bears. Im so drunk right now. Thats probably how the story will end up being told most of the time. After this youll end up becoming a cult figure as a bunch of people will marvel at the Living Magnetic Polar Bear Freak Kid. Once this happens a bunch of girls who are desperate for attention will end up sleeping with you and getting you stuff, while at the same time people will probably pay you money for advertising deals or something. Of course, while this happens things still arent coming to you for any reason whatsoever, but the people who get them for you are really stupid and you use your hypnotic way of speaking in order to convince them otherwise. Unless youre deaf, in which case you look at them until you leave. Im telling you, the plan would be great if it wasnt needlessly complex and stupid.
Now comes the unavoidable question, Why would you want to go so far as to do this in order to have nonstop free time? Well, now we go back to the beginning of the post and to videogames, one of the great evils of mankind. I love them as much as anyone does, but honestly, videogames are evil inventions that are normally invented by twelve demons from one of Hells darkest pits, and a really pissed off angel. Thats the only explanation for why videogames happen to be the most evil creations ever placed on this planet. Theyre more evil then three Hitlers, two Stalins, and that kid from The Omen all thrown into some machine that manages to mix them up into one big super-evil thing. Why are they so evil? Well, the first part of it is that theyre fun to play, which is how they sucker you in. As everyone knows, one of the best things that something evil does is that it comes off very innocent in the beginning. Of course, then you get to know it and you find out that its heart pumps brimstone through its very being as symbolism of the fiery evil that lurks inside of it. However, unlike a person, who after discovering their evil can be easily discarded by shooting them or stabbing them or shooting them with a knife, a videogame is a lot harder to get rid of. You see, after youve exhausted enough time into one, you end up going into obsessive territory, and this is why theyre so evil. They end up taking over every single part of your life, twisting you towards their ends. Or, they would do that if they werent an inanimate object, which makes them incapable of thinking or experiencing thought. As such, they dont care when you get so frustrated that you end up yelling out something along the lines of, You stupid piece of shit! I want to fucking kill you GRRAAAAHH! or something like that. Then you throw your controller at something but it turns out that its a lot sturdier then you ever gave it credit for, and it ends up making a big hole in your wall. Wow, am I rambling.
Well, several hole walls and unbreakable controllers later weve ended up at this point, frustrated with life and convinced that we still need more time in order to get back at the things that robbed us of that spare time in our spoiled childs youth. As such, Im going to end up rambling on about the five most frustrating games that Ive ever played in my entire life, and Ill probably end up dying of an aneurysm several times over the course of writing this from remembering all of the horrible things that ended up happening while playing these damn things. I could have gone outside and done something athletic, but I ended up spending most of my childhood indoors getting raped by the evil developers of such companies as Konami and Tecmo and a bunch of other evil bastards that probably liked to go outside and run over friendly woodland creatures in their luxury cars before setting forests on fire. The games that make you want to find everyone responsible for them and absolutely murder them because you know they were too lazy to ever complete the game so they threw in something that was absolutely impossible to get by. Well, with that pointless rambling over, lets get into it now. Keep in mind that this is my top five, which brings in the horrid flaw that everyone has different views, so everyone will have different lists. Maybe if we were all part of one giant collective mind we would think the same, but we dont, so there.
#5: Diablo II One of the more frustrating things about this game is how deceptive this is. I remember playing the first Diablo a few years ago and using the Amazon and her great bow and arrow to kill demons with extreme prejudice. Granted, the first Diablo was a bit difficult when you made it into Hell, but all you had to do was gain a few more levels and youd end up being set for killing Diablo, one of the most anticlimactic bosses in the history of videogames. Seriously, they build him up through the entire game, then you get to him and you realize that hes nothing more than a big red flaming pussy. So you go and kill him, and then you celebrate like anyone would back in whatever random time this game is supposed to take place (Im going to say it takes place during Gerald Fords administration because I have nothing better to do), you jam a huge shard of rock into your head and scream really loudly because it probably hurt.
Well, it was easy, but the first Diablo was pretty fun, so I went and ended up picking up Diablo II because of Blizzards track record with making games that I like to waste my spare time with. So I get Diablo II and I realize how similar the first stage is to the first game, except that, since its part of a game with different levels, its even easier. I liked the first level of Diablo II because Im pretty sure that it was designed to make whoever is playing feel better about themselves, since theres absolutely no way that you can die on it. Ditto for the second level, where you can only die when the giant fast maggot boss attacks you using his evil Ha, youre on a dialup and Im giant and move fast. Im going to make your computer lag and kill you dead spell. I was thinking that the game was a big cakewalk until I ended up in the third level, which Im guessing is some sort of rainforest. This level made me want to chop off my face. First there was the spiders, which were really easy to kill except that roughly five thousand of them would attack you at once. The same goes for the tree monster things, which were at least really slow and stupid so that you could get away from them. No, the thing that scarred me was those damn midget things. They were tiny and dark, I couldnt see them, and then they started cutting up my character. Then, for icing on the shit cake, they brought their voodoo priest from Hell over so that he could spit fire on me and kill me dead. I broke a phone because of this game, but thats a different story that I dont want to get into.
#4: Zelda: Ocarina of Time This game ends up making my list because its the first game that made me break down and find a walkthrough for it. I hate walkthroughs because normally videogame puzzles are really stupid and easy to decipher. Also, if youre in a room where absolutely nothing makes sense, all you have to do is use Videogame Logic to get your way out of it. In case your wondering, Videogame Logic is when youre around something that makes absolutely no sense, so you use something the thing that makes the least amount of sense out of all of the things in your inventory to solve it. 99% of the time this works. For example, one of the most obvious cases of Videogame Logic that Ive seen in a while was in Silent Hill 2. You open up this locked box and you find some hair. Meanwhile, theres a green ball stuck in a hole in a shower. So what do you do to get the ball out? Well, since its a videogame you use the hair to get the ball out of the hole. Pure, unadulterated Videogame Logic rears its ugly head again.
With my love for the Zelda series, I naturally went and got Ocarina when it was released for my Nintendo 64, hoping to kill some oversized stupid bosses that cant get off doing the same pattern over and over while solving some horrible Videogame Logic puzzles. Link to the Past pretty much introduced the horrors of these types of puzzles to the Zelda series, but after much profanity and controller flinging I ended up besting that game. Well, this one ended up having a bunch of horrible Videogame Logic puzzles before I ended up in the universally reviled Water Temple. Ask anyone who ever played this game about the Water Temple and a bevy of profanity will fly from their mouth like something that flies from something. Still, this game wasnt that frustrating to me until I had to get into the cave in the graveyard. I had no clue how to get into it except that I might have to use the mirror, so I tried using it and when it didnt work I ended up using everything I had to get in. After about two hours of not being able to get into the damn dungeon, I ended up breaking down and going to some random webpage to find a solution to getting into the damn dungeon. So I go there and I see this.
Sheik will teach you the Nocturne of Shadow
here. Use it to warp to the entrance of the Shadow Temple. Go in the cave behind you and you'll
see a ton of unlit torches. Stand on the platform in the middle and use Din's Fire to light all the
torches simultaneously and open the gate to the Shadow Temple.
Well, this was great and all, except that I had already done this about fifty damn times. So, after getting really pissed and calming myself down, I ended up doing it again, and this time it worked. I should have been happy, but this ended up pissing me off so much that I ended up throwing the game to some dark corner of my room, where it ended up staying for about two or three weeks. To this day I still havent found a puzzle thats pissed me off that much.
#3: Doom Everyone has played Doom by now, its just one of those games that everyone has played. You can find Amish people with no arms and legs and theyve played Doom, even though they couldnt get to the controls and they hate technology because theyre purists. Its a fun game with a very simple concept; demons from Hell invaded a military base so youre going around kicking demon ass with lots of big weapons because you can. It ended up popularizing first person shooters and it ended up getting blamed for a bunch of stupid shits who decided that they wanted to shoot up their schools, causing the rest of us to deal with equally stupid people who decided to blame videogames on the problems of the world because theres a group of unstable people in the world who like to shoot assholes. Then again, thats a whole different rant right there about how the whole world sucks and weve ended up screwing ourselves out of being the dominant species, so Ill just end it here by starting a new paragraph and pretending that it never happened.
Okay, the first thing about Doom is that I absolutely suck when it comes to first person shooters, which is one of the main reasons that it made it into the top three of my list. The second is when a million and five enemies come out of nowhere and beat the everloving piss out of you. I have no clue who can survive this, but if someone can then my hat is off to them, since whenever that would happen Id end up turning off the game and punching a wall, then Id end up hurting my hand Id get even more frustrated. Also, I dont think I know anyone who actually bothered to beat this game without using the cheat codes. With my natural ability to suck at videogames with reckless abandon I needed these things, but I know people who worship shooters and I dont think that even they were able to beat this damn game without the cheat codes. Even if you had on God mode, it didnt help you find those stupid keys that they ended up hiding in those evil hidden rooms that I was too stupid to ever find. So I used the wall cheat, and I ended up beating the game by cheating my ass off. At least the programmers werent too evil with their reckless placement of keys and monsters.
#2: Gradius I miss this type of game, I really wish that it hadnt ended up going all but extinct after polygons and 3D graphics ended up taking over the landscape of videogames, as the evolution of the space shooter from Space Invaders to a bunch of games that were nothing like Space Invaders but still had you in a ship fighting invaders from space ended up dying around the same time that the SNES and the Genesis breathed their last breaths. The space shooter ended up having a glorious evolution, as it ended up changing from you shooting a bunch of ships that had the strategy of coming down really slowly while shooting at you into a bunch of games where ships ended up coming at you from the side at a progressively fast rate while they shot at you. Most of these games were pretty much the same, so I decided to just pick one at random, so I ended up picking the Gradius series.
So, why did I end up picking the Gradius series? Well, for one you could get these nifty little orange dot things that would end up doing the same thing that your ship did, which was really great when you were being attacked by a fifty million bullets at once. Also, it had Easter Island Heads that would eat your little orange blobs, while at the same time trying to shoot you, which is more proof that Easter Island Heads are evil but cool. However, these games were just as frustrating as any other space shooter, if not more so. For one thing, you had an option to speed up your ship. This was all well and good, because at the beginning of the game your ship moves at the speed of a geriatric in a coma. Well, what always ends up happening is that you end up making your ship too fast, so you try to avoid something and you end up having a face-to-face conversation with a wall. Not only that, but in Gradius III the game decided to toy with you by giving you a shield. The thing is, the shield was pretty useless, because I think the enemies would shoot at you more if you had one on. Of course, you would then end up being blown up, which would cause you to lose all of your stuff and start at the beginning of the level, which was enough to make someone go on a killing spree. I never did end up beating any of these games; they pissed me off too much.
Mario All-Stars (feat. Lost Levels) and a guy with a gun. Both will kill you a lot. Remember that.
#1: Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels Well, now were at the top of the upper echelon of frustration when it comes to gaming, and I cant think of a more fitting game to place here then Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels. In Japan they got this as their Mario sequel, but the Japanese thought that we were too stupid to play it because were stupid Americans with our big stupid American cars that take up eight lanes and get two miles to the gallon. As such, Nintendo bought some game called Doki Doki Panic! and turned it into our Mario 2, which Im now happy for. Of course, we never would have had to deal with this great evil if Nintendo hadnt made the Super Nintendo, but they did, and when they did that they ended up deciding that they wanted to release all of the old Mario games on a single cartridge, mainly to laugh at those of us who already had them all on our pathetic NES. Of course, that didnt matter, because the gaming Gods at Nintendo were packaging The Lost Levels in with the other games, and us smelly stupid Americans would lap it up like dogs. Which we did, of course. Just remember, the Japanese are smarter than us and they have a more ferocious army, but we have the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction on our side at all times. I love nuclear weapons.
Well, why is a game that is pretty much nothing more then Mario 1 with different levels any harder then the first one? Well, it just is. First off, the programmers decided to put a bunch of hidden blocks throughout the game for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes they have 1Ups inside, which is great, except theyre normally placed right above a pit somewhere, so you end up hitting them and dying immediately. Also, the programmers decided that you should have the pleasure of jumping 500 foot long gaps in the ground that are designed to make you smash your controller into tiny bits. Of course, Bowser is still a wuss, because a Mario game wouldnt be a Mario game without a completely anticlimactic boss fight and a shitty ending, which this game also has. In fact, its the same ending as Mario 1, the Princess, being a sadistic bitch, tells you to go and play through an even more difficult mission. At around this time you tell the Princess to fuck off and then you bring Mario back to Brooklyn where he has the much more gratifying job of unplugging shit.
Ill probably never play any of these games anymore; the thing is that they only become more frustrating after you beat them, because they all have shitty endings. Well, Diablo II didnt have a shitty ending; it had an advertisement for an expansion pack disguised as an ending, so it has that going for it. Still, playing these games has made me realize that gaming programmers are really pissed that they ended up having to program games for a living, and because of this theyve decided to take it out on the rest of us by making games that anger people to no end. I can safely say I dont get pissed off by anything as much as I get pissed off by videogames. Now if youd excuse me, I have to go kill some programmers before they can strike again.
By Squirrel on 06/18/02
Being a complete nerd with almost no semblance of a social life in any way, shape, or form I normally end up finding myself playing video games. Ive already went into my long boring story of why Im into them so much, so Ill just say that time has not allowed me to mature to the point in which Id stop playing them in order to do something that people my age are supposed to do in order to show their maturity. Personally, I feel concepts like finding a girlfriend and getting a job are ludicrous, after all, how am I supposed to waste all of my time every day if I actually have stuff to do, completely destroying my free time? Honestly, I just wish that my Perfect World plan would be able to come into fruition, because it would allow me to keep up my slackerness and maybe even improve on it a bit. Say what you will about my loser-hood, but trust me when I say that Im always trying to find ways to make it more efficient, until I can finally get to the point where my body stops functioning and my brain has transcended to the point where my entire being is pure energy. After that happens I wont be able to die, since energy cant be destroyed, so Ill just end up floating around doing energy-type things. Actually, Im lying; Ill probably end up using my newfound energy-style life to play more videogames or something, because I probably wouldnt make very good energy.
Well, back in the real world, I have to find a way to get my Perfect World scheme to actually work. After all, how could my plan that seems to make as much sense as your run-of-the-mill Star Trek cult end up working when Im nothing more than your average college slacker, wasting his life by holding on vigorously to his childhood, almost to the point where a psychologist could probably diagnose me with some sort of mental disease? Simple, Ill do what I always do and just come up with the plan and let it work itself out. You see, after youre a slacker for so long you end up realizing that, unlike what most people believe, if you lie around and do nothing for a long enough time then things will end up coming to you. Granted, you might have to get up and move the things so that theyre closer to you, but you can always lie about it as long as nobody is around. After all, its not like theyre going to stick security cameras in your place of living in order to record every waking second of your life, its not like your interesting or anything if you sit around on a couch all day. Then again, you could be a camgirl who sits around on your couch naked all day, which would probably end up causing a bunch of fat old men to buy you stuff until you end up getting as old and fat as they are. After this you end up losing your place of residence and you end up starting a camgirl site about XXX Crazy Homeless Girl, who sits around naked in a box all day waiting for people to give her quarters so that she can buy some crack. Then you end up getting hit by a bus so that we can move on to something else that makes no sense.
Back to the Perfect World scheme. Okay, weve already established that your poor friends arent going to watch you every waking moment with surveillance equipment because theyre either poor or disenfranchised, so either way they end up getting green mohawks and going down the road, bashing their heads into parked cars until they pass out from a major concussion. As such, you can get people to believe that things naturally come to you because you are just that lazy. After this happens people will end up telling other people about you and your magical powers, because people are really bad at keeping secrets and as such like to gossip about all sorts of inconsequential things. Add the fact that people love to throw hyperbole into every story they tell and soon youre going to end up being a cult character in bad bar stories. Yeah, I have this friend whos like Magneto. Hes really lazy and everything ends up coming to him. I asked him how it works and he said it had something to with gravity and polar bears. Im so drunk right now. Thats probably how the story will end up being told most of the time. After this youll end up becoming a cult figure as a bunch of people will marvel at the Living Magnetic Polar Bear Freak Kid. Once this happens a bunch of girls who are desperate for attention will end up sleeping with you and getting you stuff, while at the same time people will probably pay you money for advertising deals or something. Of course, while this happens things still arent coming to you for any reason whatsoever, but the people who get them for you are really stupid and you use your hypnotic way of speaking in order to convince them otherwise. Unless youre deaf, in which case you look at them until you leave. Im telling you, the plan would be great if it wasnt needlessly complex and stupid.
Now comes the unavoidable question, Why would you want to go so far as to do this in order to have nonstop free time? Well, now we go back to the beginning of the post and to videogames, one of the great evils of mankind. I love them as much as anyone does, but honestly, videogames are evil inventions that are normally invented by twelve demons from one of Hells darkest pits, and a really pissed off angel. Thats the only explanation for why videogames happen to be the most evil creations ever placed on this planet. Theyre more evil then three Hitlers, two Stalins, and that kid from The Omen all thrown into some machine that manages to mix them up into one big super-evil thing. Why are they so evil? Well, the first part of it is that theyre fun to play, which is how they sucker you in. As everyone knows, one of the best things that something evil does is that it comes off very innocent in the beginning. Of course, then you get to know it and you find out that its heart pumps brimstone through its very being as symbolism of the fiery evil that lurks inside of it. However, unlike a person, who after discovering their evil can be easily discarded by shooting them or stabbing them or shooting them with a knife, a videogame is a lot harder to get rid of. You see, after youve exhausted enough time into one, you end up going into obsessive territory, and this is why theyre so evil. They end up taking over every single part of your life, twisting you towards their ends. Or, they would do that if they werent an inanimate object, which makes them incapable of thinking or experiencing thought. As such, they dont care when you get so frustrated that you end up yelling out something along the lines of, You stupid piece of shit! I want to fucking kill you GRRAAAAHH! or something like that. Then you throw your controller at something but it turns out that its a lot sturdier then you ever gave it credit for, and it ends up making a big hole in your wall. Wow, am I rambling.
Well, several hole walls and unbreakable controllers later weve ended up at this point, frustrated with life and convinced that we still need more time in order to get back at the things that robbed us of that spare time in our spoiled childs youth. As such, Im going to end up rambling on about the five most frustrating games that Ive ever played in my entire life, and Ill probably end up dying of an aneurysm several times over the course of writing this from remembering all of the horrible things that ended up happening while playing these damn things. I could have gone outside and done something athletic, but I ended up spending most of my childhood indoors getting raped by the evil developers of such companies as Konami and Tecmo and a bunch of other evil bastards that probably liked to go outside and run over friendly woodland creatures in their luxury cars before setting forests on fire. The games that make you want to find everyone responsible for them and absolutely murder them because you know they were too lazy to ever complete the game so they threw in something that was absolutely impossible to get by. Well, with that pointless rambling over, lets get into it now. Keep in mind that this is my top five, which brings in the horrid flaw that everyone has different views, so everyone will have different lists. Maybe if we were all part of one giant collective mind we would think the same, but we dont, so there.
#5: Diablo II One of the more frustrating things about this game is how deceptive this is. I remember playing the first Diablo a few years ago and using the Amazon and her great bow and arrow to kill demons with extreme prejudice. Granted, the first Diablo was a bit difficult when you made it into Hell, but all you had to do was gain a few more levels and youd end up being set for killing Diablo, one of the most anticlimactic bosses in the history of videogames. Seriously, they build him up through the entire game, then you get to him and you realize that hes nothing more than a big red flaming pussy. So you go and kill him, and then you celebrate like anyone would back in whatever random time this game is supposed to take place (Im going to say it takes place during Gerald Fords administration because I have nothing better to do), you jam a huge shard of rock into your head and scream really loudly because it probably hurt.
Well, it was easy, but the first Diablo was pretty fun, so I went and ended up picking up Diablo II because of Blizzards track record with making games that I like to waste my spare time with. So I get Diablo II and I realize how similar the first stage is to the first game, except that, since its part of a game with different levels, its even easier. I liked the first level of Diablo II because Im pretty sure that it was designed to make whoever is playing feel better about themselves, since theres absolutely no way that you can die on it. Ditto for the second level, where you can only die when the giant fast maggot boss attacks you using his evil Ha, youre on a dialup and Im giant and move fast. Im going to make your computer lag and kill you dead spell. I was thinking that the game was a big cakewalk until I ended up in the third level, which Im guessing is some sort of rainforest. This level made me want to chop off my face. First there was the spiders, which were really easy to kill except that roughly five thousand of them would attack you at once. The same goes for the tree monster things, which were at least really slow and stupid so that you could get away from them. No, the thing that scarred me was those damn midget things. They were tiny and dark, I couldnt see them, and then they started cutting up my character. Then, for icing on the shit cake, they brought their voodoo priest from Hell over so that he could spit fire on me and kill me dead. I broke a phone because of this game, but thats a different story that I dont want to get into.
#4: Zelda: Ocarina of Time This game ends up making my list because its the first game that made me break down and find a walkthrough for it. I hate walkthroughs because normally videogame puzzles are really stupid and easy to decipher. Also, if youre in a room where absolutely nothing makes sense, all you have to do is use Videogame Logic to get your way out of it. In case your wondering, Videogame Logic is when youre around something that makes absolutely no sense, so you use something the thing that makes the least amount of sense out of all of the things in your inventory to solve it. 99% of the time this works. For example, one of the most obvious cases of Videogame Logic that Ive seen in a while was in Silent Hill 2. You open up this locked box and you find some hair. Meanwhile, theres a green ball stuck in a hole in a shower. So what do you do to get the ball out? Well, since its a videogame you use the hair to get the ball out of the hole. Pure, unadulterated Videogame Logic rears its ugly head again.
With my love for the Zelda series, I naturally went and got Ocarina when it was released for my Nintendo 64, hoping to kill some oversized stupid bosses that cant get off doing the same pattern over and over while solving some horrible Videogame Logic puzzles. Link to the Past pretty much introduced the horrors of these types of puzzles to the Zelda series, but after much profanity and controller flinging I ended up besting that game. Well, this one ended up having a bunch of horrible Videogame Logic puzzles before I ended up in the universally reviled Water Temple. Ask anyone who ever played this game about the Water Temple and a bevy of profanity will fly from their mouth like something that flies from something. Still, this game wasnt that frustrating to me until I had to get into the cave in the graveyard. I had no clue how to get into it except that I might have to use the mirror, so I tried using it and when it didnt work I ended up using everything I had to get in. After about two hours of not being able to get into the damn dungeon, I ended up breaking down and going to some random webpage to find a solution to getting into the damn dungeon. So I go there and I see this.
Sheik will teach you the Nocturne of Shadow
here. Use it to warp to the entrance of the Shadow Temple. Go in the cave behind you and you'll
see a ton of unlit torches. Stand on the platform in the middle and use Din's Fire to light all the
torches simultaneously and open the gate to the Shadow Temple.
Well, this was great and all, except that I had already done this about fifty damn times. So, after getting really pissed and calming myself down, I ended up doing it again, and this time it worked. I should have been happy, but this ended up pissing me off so much that I ended up throwing the game to some dark corner of my room, where it ended up staying for about two or three weeks. To this day I still havent found a puzzle thats pissed me off that much.
#3: Doom Everyone has played Doom by now, its just one of those games that everyone has played. You can find Amish people with no arms and legs and theyve played Doom, even though they couldnt get to the controls and they hate technology because theyre purists. Its a fun game with a very simple concept; demons from Hell invaded a military base so youre going around kicking demon ass with lots of big weapons because you can. It ended up popularizing first person shooters and it ended up getting blamed for a bunch of stupid shits who decided that they wanted to shoot up their schools, causing the rest of us to deal with equally stupid people who decided to blame videogames on the problems of the world because theres a group of unstable people in the world who like to shoot assholes. Then again, thats a whole different rant right there about how the whole world sucks and weve ended up screwing ourselves out of being the dominant species, so Ill just end it here by starting a new paragraph and pretending that it never happened.
Okay, the first thing about Doom is that I absolutely suck when it comes to first person shooters, which is one of the main reasons that it made it into the top three of my list. The second is when a million and five enemies come out of nowhere and beat the everloving piss out of you. I have no clue who can survive this, but if someone can then my hat is off to them, since whenever that would happen Id end up turning off the game and punching a wall, then Id end up hurting my hand Id get even more frustrated. Also, I dont think I know anyone who actually bothered to beat this game without using the cheat codes. With my natural ability to suck at videogames with reckless abandon I needed these things, but I know people who worship shooters and I dont think that even they were able to beat this damn game without the cheat codes. Even if you had on God mode, it didnt help you find those stupid keys that they ended up hiding in those evil hidden rooms that I was too stupid to ever find. So I used the wall cheat, and I ended up beating the game by cheating my ass off. At least the programmers werent too evil with their reckless placement of keys and monsters.
#2: Gradius I miss this type of game, I really wish that it hadnt ended up going all but extinct after polygons and 3D graphics ended up taking over the landscape of videogames, as the evolution of the space shooter from Space Invaders to a bunch of games that were nothing like Space Invaders but still had you in a ship fighting invaders from space ended up dying around the same time that the SNES and the Genesis breathed their last breaths. The space shooter ended up having a glorious evolution, as it ended up changing from you shooting a bunch of ships that had the strategy of coming down really slowly while shooting at you into a bunch of games where ships ended up coming at you from the side at a progressively fast rate while they shot at you. Most of these games were pretty much the same, so I decided to just pick one at random, so I ended up picking the Gradius series.
So, why did I end up picking the Gradius series? Well, for one you could get these nifty little orange dot things that would end up doing the same thing that your ship did, which was really great when you were being attacked by a fifty million bullets at once. Also, it had Easter Island Heads that would eat your little orange blobs, while at the same time trying to shoot you, which is more proof that Easter Island Heads are evil but cool. However, these games were just as frustrating as any other space shooter, if not more so. For one thing, you had an option to speed up your ship. This was all well and good, because at the beginning of the game your ship moves at the speed of a geriatric in a coma. Well, what always ends up happening is that you end up making your ship too fast, so you try to avoid something and you end up having a face-to-face conversation with a wall. Not only that, but in Gradius III the game decided to toy with you by giving you a shield. The thing is, the shield was pretty useless, because I think the enemies would shoot at you more if you had one on. Of course, you would then end up being blown up, which would cause you to lose all of your stuff and start at the beginning of the level, which was enough to make someone go on a killing spree. I never did end up beating any of these games; they pissed me off too much.
Mario All-Stars (feat. Lost Levels) and a guy with a gun. Both will kill you a lot. Remember that.
#1: Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels Well, now were at the top of the upper echelon of frustration when it comes to gaming, and I cant think of a more fitting game to place here then Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels. In Japan they got this as their Mario sequel, but the Japanese thought that we were too stupid to play it because were stupid Americans with our big stupid American cars that take up eight lanes and get two miles to the gallon. As such, Nintendo bought some game called Doki Doki Panic! and turned it into our Mario 2, which Im now happy for. Of course, we never would have had to deal with this great evil if Nintendo hadnt made the Super Nintendo, but they did, and when they did that they ended up deciding that they wanted to release all of the old Mario games on a single cartridge, mainly to laugh at those of us who already had them all on our pathetic NES. Of course, that didnt matter, because the gaming Gods at Nintendo were packaging The Lost Levels in with the other games, and us smelly stupid Americans would lap it up like dogs. Which we did, of course. Just remember, the Japanese are smarter than us and they have a more ferocious army, but we have the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction on our side at all times. I love nuclear weapons.
Well, why is a game that is pretty much nothing more then Mario 1 with different levels any harder then the first one? Well, it just is. First off, the programmers decided to put a bunch of hidden blocks throughout the game for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes they have 1Ups inside, which is great, except theyre normally placed right above a pit somewhere, so you end up hitting them and dying immediately. Also, the programmers decided that you should have the pleasure of jumping 500 foot long gaps in the ground that are designed to make you smash your controller into tiny bits. Of course, Bowser is still a wuss, because a Mario game wouldnt be a Mario game without a completely anticlimactic boss fight and a shitty ending, which this game also has. In fact, its the same ending as Mario 1, the Princess, being a sadistic bitch, tells you to go and play through an even more difficult mission. At around this time you tell the Princess to fuck off and then you bring Mario back to Brooklyn where he has the much more gratifying job of unplugging shit.
Ill probably never play any of these games anymore; the thing is that they only become more frustrating after you beat them, because they all have shitty endings. Well, Diablo II didnt have a shitty ending; it had an advertisement for an expansion pack disguised as an ending, so it has that going for it. Still, playing these games has made me realize that gaming programmers are really pissed that they ended up having to program games for a living, and because of this theyve decided to take it out on the rest of us by making games that anger people to no end. I can safely say I dont get pissed off by anything as much as I get pissed off by videogames. Now if youd excuse me, I have to go kill some programmers before they can strike again.