"Mega Man vs. The Stupid Useless Robot Army of Death
By Squirrel on 11/06/01
Mega Man is quite possible my favorite game series of all time. In case you've never played one, the point of the game is to keep going right until you meet a guy trapped in a box, then you blow him up and steal his stuff. You keep repeating this until you've successfully stolen everything you can, and then Mega Man goes through a castle and beats up Dr. Wily, Albert Einstein's evil twin. That's the plot of every single game, so we've got that much out of the way.
Why is Mega Man doing this, anyway? Well, you see, Dr. Wily is the most evil genius hanging around in the year of 20XX. In fact, he's so evil that he builds giant levels with a room at the end. In this room lies a robot that sits there until Mega Man shows up. When Mega Man shows up, the robot gets exploded and dies. You see, all the evil robots were inept, but I'm writing this to talk about the really inept robots. So, here we go!
Guts Man: Guts Man was certainly the most enigmatic of all the evil Robot Masters that Wily sent after Mega Man. Yes, Guts Man's esoteric behavior caused people to ask questions like, "Why is he called that instead of Strong Man or Muscle Man?", and, "God! I hate these stupid chasms! Why the fuck are they here? This is impossible I hate this game AGH!" Anyway, after you sell your soul to Satan and get past the evil platforms of death, you make it to Guts Man, who has the special power to jump and make big squares fall from the sky. He gets demolished really easily, so let's get to the guy who he easily demolishes...
Cut Man: In a universe populated by turtles that throw bombs and have mohawks, and by people with trains for head, it's very hard to be the most fucked up thing in said universe. However, Cut Man managed to accomplish that by having a bright red head with a pair of scissors stuck in it. Cut Man was vulnerable to Guts Man's power of being able to pick up squares and throw them, so of course he decided to put two of those things in his little box. Feng shui, I guess.
Air Man: Air Man is a brainfart of a character if there ever was one. Air Man is a fan with arms and legs, hardly constituting the fact that he has "Man" in his name. Besides, they could have called him Fan Man, because that rhymes. Air Man's powers were that he could shoot tornados out that were really easy to jump over, and the ability to jump. Yeah, that's about all he could do. I guess in the future people are terrified of jumping fans, since they're obviously worse predators of man then the deadly grasshopper.
Bubble Man: Ah, the dreaded Bubble Man. Bubble Man's stage is completely submerged, so he waits in his evil box of death with his snorkel. I personally thought that you had to be above water to use a snorkel, but since this is a video game you have to throw all logistics out the window. Fans walk around, people have scissors lodged in the heads, and Guts Man's chasm is the most evil thing ever placed in a video game. I guess Bubble Man's snorkel is the bastard child of flawed video game logic.
Top Man: At first glance, Top Man is just as stupid as your average run of the mill evil robot. However, after you beat him you realize something, the power he gives you is the most useless one in every Mega Man ever made. Yes, like Mario in Mario 2, Top Man's power is absolutely useless. While fighting him, he throws tops in the air that attack you. This usually means that after you beat him you'll get another crappy Mega Man projectile that you'll use once and never again. Nope, Top Man gives you the ability to spin in the air! Yes, you actually have to jump up in the air and get hit by other characters to get the move to work. Also, using it once pretty much drains the whole bar, making it so you just can't wait to make it to the end so you can kill that bastard again.
Charge Man: Most of the characters in the later versions of the Mega Man series were re-hashes of the average crappy Mega Man character, but ever once in a while Capcom would unveil a new masterpiece. Charge Man happens to be the ultimate brain fart, he has a train for a head and he runs back and forth. However, sometimes he'll do what is perhaps the greatest thing in Mega Man history: he sounds his train whistle, which makes fiery balls of death fly from the sky. Since fiery balls of death and people with trains for heads have less than nothing to do with each other, I think Charge Man is quite possibly the greatest example of the logic that inhabits video games.
Plant Man: Well, one of the shield robots had to get in here, so I picked Plant Man. He was pretty much a stereotypical gay man dressed up in a Plant suit, but that's pretty much all he had going for him. The only other thing is that he was one of those bastard shield robots, who were in every game after the second one. They jump around with their shields, and then they throw the shield at you. Then you kill yourself because Capcom has bashed this character into your head, so there's no way you could ever get killed by it. Screw you, Capcom.
Mega Man is over 10 years old, so you should expect a bad idea to show up every once in a while. Still, the guy who came up with Charge Man probably downs a flour bag of acid every morning, so hopefully he was fired and we can get back to the characters that were merely idiotic, like Cut Man and Bubble Man. "
http://www.wehateyou.com/
By Squirrel on 11/06/01
Mega Man is quite possible my favorite game series of all time. In case you've never played one, the point of the game is to keep going right until you meet a guy trapped in a box, then you blow him up and steal his stuff. You keep repeating this until you've successfully stolen everything you can, and then Mega Man goes through a castle and beats up Dr. Wily, Albert Einstein's evil twin. That's the plot of every single game, so we've got that much out of the way.
Why is Mega Man doing this, anyway? Well, you see, Dr. Wily is the most evil genius hanging around in the year of 20XX. In fact, he's so evil that he builds giant levels with a room at the end. In this room lies a robot that sits there until Mega Man shows up. When Mega Man shows up, the robot gets exploded and dies. You see, all the evil robots were inept, but I'm writing this to talk about the really inept robots. So, here we go!
Guts Man: Guts Man was certainly the most enigmatic of all the evil Robot Masters that Wily sent after Mega Man. Yes, Guts Man's esoteric behavior caused people to ask questions like, "Why is he called that instead of Strong Man or Muscle Man?", and, "God! I hate these stupid chasms! Why the fuck are they here? This is impossible I hate this game AGH!" Anyway, after you sell your soul to Satan and get past the evil platforms of death, you make it to Guts Man, who has the special power to jump and make big squares fall from the sky. He gets demolished really easily, so let's get to the guy who he easily demolishes...
Cut Man: In a universe populated by turtles that throw bombs and have mohawks, and by people with trains for head, it's very hard to be the most fucked up thing in said universe. However, Cut Man managed to accomplish that by having a bright red head with a pair of scissors stuck in it. Cut Man was vulnerable to Guts Man's power of being able to pick up squares and throw them, so of course he decided to put two of those things in his little box. Feng shui, I guess.
Air Man: Air Man is a brainfart of a character if there ever was one. Air Man is a fan with arms and legs, hardly constituting the fact that he has "Man" in his name. Besides, they could have called him Fan Man, because that rhymes. Air Man's powers were that he could shoot tornados out that were really easy to jump over, and the ability to jump. Yeah, that's about all he could do. I guess in the future people are terrified of jumping fans, since they're obviously worse predators of man then the deadly grasshopper.
Bubble Man: Ah, the dreaded Bubble Man. Bubble Man's stage is completely submerged, so he waits in his evil box of death with his snorkel. I personally thought that you had to be above water to use a snorkel, but since this is a video game you have to throw all logistics out the window. Fans walk around, people have scissors lodged in the heads, and Guts Man's chasm is the most evil thing ever placed in a video game. I guess Bubble Man's snorkel is the bastard child of flawed video game logic.
Top Man: At first glance, Top Man is just as stupid as your average run of the mill evil robot. However, after you beat him you realize something, the power he gives you is the most useless one in every Mega Man ever made. Yes, like Mario in Mario 2, Top Man's power is absolutely useless. While fighting him, he throws tops in the air that attack you. This usually means that after you beat him you'll get another crappy Mega Man projectile that you'll use once and never again. Nope, Top Man gives you the ability to spin in the air! Yes, you actually have to jump up in the air and get hit by other characters to get the move to work. Also, using it once pretty much drains the whole bar, making it so you just can't wait to make it to the end so you can kill that bastard again.
Charge Man: Most of the characters in the later versions of the Mega Man series were re-hashes of the average crappy Mega Man character, but ever once in a while Capcom would unveil a new masterpiece. Charge Man happens to be the ultimate brain fart, he has a train for a head and he runs back and forth. However, sometimes he'll do what is perhaps the greatest thing in Mega Man history: he sounds his train whistle, which makes fiery balls of death fly from the sky. Since fiery balls of death and people with trains for heads have less than nothing to do with each other, I think Charge Man is quite possibly the greatest example of the logic that inhabits video games.
Plant Man: Well, one of the shield robots had to get in here, so I picked Plant Man. He was pretty much a stereotypical gay man dressed up in a Plant suit, but that's pretty much all he had going for him. The only other thing is that he was one of those bastard shield robots, who were in every game after the second one. They jump around with their shields, and then they throw the shield at you. Then you kill yourself because Capcom has bashed this character into your head, so there's no way you could ever get killed by it. Screw you, Capcom.
Mega Man is over 10 years old, so you should expect a bad idea to show up every once in a while. Still, the guy who came up with Charge Man probably downs a flour bag of acid every morning, so hopefully he was fired and we can get back to the characters that were merely idiotic, like Cut Man and Bubble Man. "
http://www.wehateyou.com/
Anyone who can so accurately describe and analyze the foes in the Mega Man series with such panaasch, deserves some kind of award.
And so, dearest Axiom, I give you a cheerful double thumbs up! Great! Thanks for making me laugh.
Theres hours of weird entertainment there...