phianixx

2019 on the whole was a mixed bag, but a relatively good year. I had some counselling. I managed to get rid of a lot of the toxicity that had turned me into a shell of myself. I got published x7. I made even more new friends, I got to know YOU guys better. I went to the SuicideGirls UK and Vegas shootfests & also got to visit the house & HQ in LA. In fact, I spent almost 4 months of the year in the states! I also spent time in Canada, Germany & Estonia - 25 flights in total (I'm still terrified of flying!). I started earning money through streaming. I got to work on some really cool gaming events in the UK & overseas. I completely changed my career after taking a massive risk on it. I got my own place and I got the nose I'd always dreamed of! (More on that in another blog, I'm almost a year post op!) Now, even just listing those makes me realise they are some of the most life changing achievements I've ever made & I am really proud of myself. I still have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.

I realised I dealt with things in 2019 by drinking to forget my troubles alone. A hell of a lot. That's something I really want to try & stop doing this year. It doesn't help. In fact, it leaves me with a tonne of extra anxiety & a really bad headache! I've always known how to drink responsibly, I've always had friends to turn to that care about me if something is bothering me, so I'm not sure what happened or why I used this as a coping mechanism even more so than before, maybe the feeling of being a burden & not wanting to sound so negative. I think writing it down is again a way of realising it is a thing & needs to stop.

I won't list my problems as I feel too much focus on negativity isn't worth the energy. What I will say is that I need to keep focusing on the positive & just keep going.

I haven't achieved half the things I wanted by this point in life, but I realise I am very lucky. I have friends. I have a job. I have my health, as long as I take care of myself. So what do I want in 2020? I guess the answer would be true happiness. I'm halfway there (which is more than I could say for 2018!) and I'm still figuring it all out. But I'm sure I'll keep you all posted. ❤️

My next set, Summer time selfies by @leemalee is out in just over 2 weeks. Are you as excited as I am? Its my fave so far and I can't wait for you to see the whole set! Here's a lil preview: