pheonixryzyng

So this morning I wake up and find a note on the pillow next to my head, after spending 20 minutes staring at it and thinking my eyes are out of focus, I turn the paper upside down and this is what it says...



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work...
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I saw you; hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.

But, you didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I saw you; pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.

But, you didn't see me playing Santa at the local mall.

I saw you; change your mind about going into the...
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the...
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its taken me 25 years to get where i am, the following is everything i have learned about females...


















and that about sums it all up...

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school. These are the things I learned.

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own...
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It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including...
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When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

I had a professor who stood before my philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to...
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Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the...
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Ok, ok, ok I know its been a while since I went to a club to try to find a girl for the night/week/whatever, but I noticed something last night when I went to the bar for a beer...

All the girls go to the bar in groups. So what, they dont want to drink alone, who does? But do you realize just how difficult...
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First things first... I want to start with my favorite quote: "Why blindly follow that path which another has cleaved for you when the world is begging to be explored first hand, with eyes wide open. As such, do not fear the unknown, seek it out. For in doing you will then master your fear." I penned that in the 8th grade while attending John...
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