phedre

I apologize for my long absence, but I've been in a very, very controlled environment. I know it's not a great excuse, but I'm going to try my dammedest to be better now. Being as submissive as I am, it was hard to fight against all of the control. Part of me merely accepts it because it's what I crave in life. It's what I've always known, so now I seem to subconsciously seek it out. By the time I realize the damage it's doing, and what I've truly allowed to happen, I'm in over my head. But it has turned to the point where things have progressed beyond mere control, or dominance. And one should never give power over oneself to someone who does not care at all about one's happiness. I understand selfishness, but when it becomes all-consuming, well, there just comes a point when even the most submissive person has to think about herself. It took me a damn long time. I get very lost in loving someone.

When it comes right down to it, you should never give yourself completely to someone who doesn't even seem to hold any affection for you. I always fucking forget that though...

So, a couple entries back, when I said I was getting out. I didn't. Yet. But I'm thinking I'm going to begin travelling. I've got some money saved up, and this time, I really am getting out of that situation. It's nothing but a drain on my emotions at the moment. All I feel from it is hurt, and I've had quite enough hurt in my life at this point. I'm tired of crying. I used to feel strong. It was a very long time ago indeed, so that I barely even remember it. But the memory is there. And I'd like to feel strong again.

The question I have of all of you beautiful people then is: where should I go? I'm really thinking of making a few months out of this. I love to travel, and what better time in my life than now? Suggestions are welcome, and I promise to listen to them all, even if I don't end up at all the places mentioned.

So I'm sorry again. And thank you for caring enough to read this. ♥

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P.S. So here's my shameless plug for Butch Walker's latest album Letters. You all know he's been listed as my current crush for...um, an embarrassingly long while. Ah, rockstar crushes *sigh* Seriously though, I've in love with everything the man does for years, ever since I was lucky enough to stumble onto the first album Marvelous3 released (like 7 years ago). And I've been listening to Letters like crazy while getting through this mess. So I guess this plug would be my thank you to Butch. Check out his site!