why is clearing my head such a massive ordeal sometimes?........it gets hard to focus on anything or anyone for more than five minutes.....it's always been this way but sometimes it goes into hyperdrive and it's aiming for some destination i can't see and don't know.......all i have is my "sanity" to keep me dry at night so let's hope it stays where i can reach...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
edit.clip.think.erase.re- type.send .edit.question.sigh.read.smile.
the process of writing this journal every chance that i get. it's makes it easier.everydayeverything.calmer.mostly.stronger.comments.morebelieving.thank you.
ok. at the 10 day mark my leg allowed me to walk without crutches. WOO-HOO
finally.
my best friend is in the stongest love of his life.(she's amazing and hot!) she's too perfect, and that's the most comforting thing that i've ever felt for him. i...
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the process of writing this journal every chance that i get. it's makes it easier.everydayeverything.calmer.mostly.stronger.comments.morebelieving.thank you.
ok. at the 10 day mark my leg allowed me to walk without crutches. WOO-HOO
finally.
my best friend is in the stongest love of his life.(she's amazing and hot!) she's too perfect, and that's the most comforting thing that i've ever felt for him. i...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
stillifegaijin:
i didn't go see now it's overhead...i got real tired and realized that i'm a poor boy who is about to quit his job with no real plan...i also have less money than i have had in months - but the idea of staying there is way worse than scraping...so, i decided to save money and stay the fuck home. why does financial insecurity worry me so? it doesn't seem to bother most of my friends...B is being very sweet and supportive...but - I WILL NOT TAKE MONEY FROM HER. well, aside from that $10 bill she tossed at me this morning when she thanked me for being her bitch last night.
pezboy7416:
her bitch ....................ok.......... talk.
money is what we have to have to live in this world.......but not alot all the time.....so just lay low and stop fucking worrying. you'll be better than alright...your stillifegaijin for fucks sake.
money is what we have to have to live in this world.......but not alot all the time.....so just lay low and stop fucking worrying. you'll be better than alright...your stillifegaijin for fucks sake.
i've discovered a way to carry juice to my window to smoke a cig. if i put it on the floor about every 4 feet and then crutch to it then move it again and again i get it close enough to pick it up and set it on the sill.
this leg is taking way too long to heal. it's been four days already!!!!...
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this leg is taking way too long to heal. it's been four days already!!!!...
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VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
stillifegaijin:
drinking at work...hasn't happened since the video store. i miss you. i love you. i'm leaving this place.
pezboy7416:
leave and don't look back.
a is the light at the end of my rainbow............yes.....
parking spots are metaphorical.....yes......
b is becoming metaphysical.......yes....
r is putting the earth off it's axis with her bi-polarity.....yes.
m...the question reasked wasn't answered, please do so...yes
s....a new mua...crazyhottallshavedhairperfectasssweet....YES
new york might still have some life left in it.....but it's no la!
our new life is coming in on the next winters moon......to start...
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parking spots are metaphorical.....yes......
b is becoming metaphysical.......yes....
r is putting the earth off it's axis with her bi-polarity.....yes.
m...the question reasked wasn't answered, please do so...yes
s....a new mua...crazyhottallshavedhairperfectasssweet....YES
new york might still have some life left in it.....but it's no la!
our new life is coming in on the next winters moon......to start...
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VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
boxofficepoison:
Is the decoder in ring form?
pezboy7416:
yes it is.
photos still keep me looking.......am i a sad fuck>?
ps......leg hurts like fucking hell!
photos still keep me looking.......am i a sad fuck>?
ps......leg hurts like fucking hell!
certainly not THE melissa...i know what that sexual position is...definently hard to explain.........explain.
heh...one of the two girls. not a crush just humanphysicalcontact. and she has amazing tats on her back and chest.
have fun at jew brunch.. just don't use tofutti cream cheese. galaxy rocks.
tegan and heather are both rockin hot.
if you and dagger love her i'm in on the love. i...
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heh...one of the two girls. not a crush just humanphysicalcontact. and she has amazing tats on her back and chest.
have fun at jew brunch.. just don't use tofutti cream cheese. galaxy rocks.
tegan and heather are both rockin hot.
if you and dagger love her i'm in on the love. i...
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VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
stillifegaijin:
come home and find this new life with me...it's all here...they moved it to another coast. i came just in time. ...even barcelona. (how strange??) - i sooo have a parking space.
stillifegaijin:
umm...email from A today...we'll get together soon.
my heart is actually hurting in my chest from all of this...i hope it dosen't burst..but if it does i love all of you fuckers.!!!!!
if it dosen't i'm gonna get so much out of this..notebooks are being filled as we speak and paint is flying....
if it dosen't i'm gonna get so much out of this..notebooks are being filled as we speak and paint is flying....
stillifegaijin:
i love you...i love every mother fuckin thing...holding hands at 5am...an hour long phone call today and she's listened to the cd (allegra gellar) 3 times...i'm taking her to brunch @ dan's tomorrow...the one you and i skipped out on...then she wants me to go see the loft she wants to move into...to approve? i told her to take her time...i'm not running away...i don't think she is either...dagger loves her...dagger grew on her...such high hopes...
what's a crush? who's melissa? certainly not THE melissa...i know what that sexual position is...definently hard to explain...
i met tegan tonight at the bigfoot lodge...w/ heather (who should change her name to HEAT!!!
what's a crush? who's melissa? certainly not THE melissa...i know what that sexual position is...definently hard to explain...
i met tegan tonight at the bigfoot lodge...w/ heather (who should change her name to HEAT!!!
pezboy7416:
certainly not THE melissa...i know what that sexual position is...definently hard to explain.........explain.
heh...one of the two girls. not a crush just humanphysicalcontact. and she has amazing tats on her back and chest.
have fun at jew brunch.. just don't use tofutti cream cheese. galaxy rocks.
tegan and heather are both rockin hot.
if you and dagger love her i'm in on the love. i told you i think that she's fucking amazing and that was from 2 minutes talking to her. and you know how picky i am so.......
but i still love you more.
heh...one of the two girls. not a crush just humanphysicalcontact. and she has amazing tats on her back and chest.
have fun at jew brunch.. just don't use tofutti cream cheese. galaxy rocks.
tegan and heather are both rockin hot.
if you and dagger love her i'm in on the love. i told you i think that she's fucking amazing and that was from 2 minutes talking to her. and you know how picky i am so.......
but i still love you more.
myspace. pez. fun.driving. cold. trees. nothomeanymore. girls. yuum.
she reluctantly accepted my move to nyc....she misses me more every day she tells me every time i talk to her...she tells me last night that i can't move to l.a. because it's too far from her. the morning that it's snowing when the day before it's 55 and sunny....the morning that i have to get the ny post to send her because she wants...
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pezboy7416:
yes.in the morning.
don't change your journal. i agreee. she wasn't my family she was one of my best friends, and she loved me uncondtionally, that's why i'm gonna miss her so much. the south will see me again, then not for a long time.
don't change your journal. i agreee. she wasn't my family she was one of my best friends, and she loved me uncondtionally, that's why i'm gonna miss her so much. the south will see me again, then not for a long time.
pezboy7416:
ok.........i love all of you..i missjeremy....i love l.a........it will make me happier than i know........tears are still coming.....i try.....
the whiskey is slamming me in the head............acck!!!
la was a dream i want to have every day...and soon it will be! i keep going back and forth.......sooner is better so i think the better will be done.
missing you and denver is happening as many times as i breathe in air........sometimes more often.....but this morning it's not happening as frequently as the thought of...
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la was a dream i want to have every day...and soon it will be! i keep going back and forth.......sooner is better so i think the better will be done.
missing you and denver is happening as many times as i breathe in air........sometimes more often.....but this morning it's not happening as frequently as the thought of...
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VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
cupidvalentino:
in response to "you don't know me" yeah, that is what i was thinking at first, that it is good to have a close friend with no pressure of sex etc. but what later occured to me is that i think its something a little deeper than just that. when i describe my perfect imaginary girl, im basically describing her. i think i've almost idealized this girl to the point where i can't even imagine her in a sexual situation, because that would somehow spoil her. i guess that is because sex in my mind is so closely linked with bad relationships, pain, loss and alot of general ugliness. i almost feel like i can't bridge the gap between truly liking someone and seeing them as a sexual object. most of my relationships, no matter how long they have been, have been on a really superficial level. its like i can find a girl i really like and be great friends with her, or a girl i'm indifferent towards, have a very superficial connection with her and get laid.
oh, and i value your opinion as well, or anyones at that.
oh, and i value your opinion as well, or anyones at that.
cupidvalentino:
you're right. there can be no harm in it, but what i think i realized most from thinking this all through, is that i'm probably not ready for my "dream girl" at this point, because i would most likely end up hurting her and hating myself for doing so.
there can't be anything better than being in a city that you've never seen with your own eyes and it becomes the focal point of you're entire point. we all have points, we all have goals we hope to see ourselves accomplish and it's so bizarre how much hope a different city can give. new york has been beautiful to me and has given more...
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VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
theasdassa:
they are up!!!!
stillifegaijin:
i miss you...i'm failing at slowing down the whiskey flow...maybe it will easier once she's back in town and i have a clue of what's going on. got email from amy...busy till next week...i miss you
ok. i'm back. took a week off of the pc for some fancyflighted cleansing bullshit.
i have a serious problem though. well actually two.
the first and less frightening is that i have to have surgery on my knees in three weeks and will be incapacitated for one more after that....
the big prblem is i finally got my first tatoo....................and i'm not a big...
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i have a serious problem though. well actually two.
the first and less frightening is that i have to have surgery on my knees in three weeks and will be incapacitated for one more after that....
the big prblem is i finally got my first tatoo....................and i'm not a big...
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VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
pezboy7416:
................................................and this is how it went..............................tell!
are you ok?
are you ok?
stillifegaijin:
i'm fine...she's the one paying too much to live in atlanta...and right behind MJQ...yuk.
i'm a tofitti cutie baby! wow..that's scary.....
anyways. i changed my number in case you've tried to call me.
nyc baby!
i've lost all of my hate. still hurt/angry but i realize that everyone can only progress at the rate where they're hte most comfortable, we choose to make it harder on ourselves and push nonstop towards our forseen goals. some can't. so we sit...
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anyways. i changed my number in case you've tried to call me.
nyc baby!
i've lost all of my hate. still hurt/angry but i realize that everyone can only progress at the rate where they're hte most comfortable, we choose to make it harder on ourselves and push nonstop towards our forseen goals. some can't. so we sit...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
stillifegaijin:
funny...yesterday, on THE day i felt pretty good. today i'm nauseous and sad and contemplating how sad she is. how scared she is. how she just fucked it all up. i'm really fucking sad and telling myself that it's not valentines day anymore so i can call but i won't...i just want to send the cd...the day is coming...listenig to 'judas, yesenia' as i type this...
i'm going to a party tonight. i was invited by this woman who i don't know. she just started talking to me yesterday...fuck it...i'm branching out. getting out of here. she lives in my hood so it can't be too bad...
i'm gonna start drinking NOW.
i'm going to a party tonight. i was invited by this woman who i don't know. she just started talking to me yesterday...fuck it...i'm branching out. getting out of here. she lives in my hood so it can't be too bad...
i'm gonna start drinking NOW.
stillifegaijin:
where are you?
nothing blows my mind. nothing makes me crazy...except B, of course.
ok, your un-fucked.