pete

I've been clearing out the bedroom which until now has been used, other than sleeing in, as a storage room for all our crap. The part I hate most every time I do this, is finding things which brings back memories and regrets. stuff from childhood which reminds me of my family and how much i miss them.. Letters I'd got from friends, who made a real effort, which I never replied to.. why the fuck didn't I reply? I didn't and still don't put enough effort into friends..I really should. Also ots of things that make me cringe, like random stuff I kept from school or college which reminds me of how much I hated myself back then or how much of a dork I was, why was I like that? other odd things that remind me of what I once thought I might be doing in the future, there was hopes & aspirations, when at that time I didn't even realise I had. I was such an idiot then.. if only I was more self aware or clear headed then.. I probably would be a much happier person nowadays.. I wonder if my friends feel like this too, regretting, remembering things, dwelling on the past, or if they were/are as clear and sure about their lives as I think. I am so full of regrets, and there's nothing I hate more than regret. Perhaps in the future I'll read back on this entry and think what a fool I was again... I realised today I'm constantly assessing my present life...i've been doing that ever since I got over college and depression etc. I can't help it.. am I doing what I want, how does my life now compare to x time in my life.. I know I should stop doign that, since none of it really matters anyway, stuff that happened in the past is over and done with, and as long as everyone's still alive etc there is always time to make amends! so that's what i should do.. but it's difficult, i don't have the time or money.. i'm can see myself cringing again as i'm writing this.. haha, ah well. it's all bullplop really and does not matter. i'd better get back to dong the room again..