perr

I'm having a very, very difficult night. I am sitting here with cigarette burns on my hands and pretty bad bruises on my face, and I did it all. I just haven't felt so much despair and anger in a very long time and the only way I can seem to express it right now is by punching and burning myself.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with juvenile fibromyalgia. It's a nerve disorder and without getting into the science of it, it is pure hell and causes me constant, chronic, all-over pain. I have to take specific medications for it or I am basically disabled. Well I went to pick up some meds tonight, and I don't know what the fuck cvs did, but they have screwed up something and I have to wait 10 days to get my meds.

I know 10 days doesn't seem long to most of you. For me, though, it feels like an eternity, especially when I struggle with a lot of pain WITH the meds. So without is just like....I don't even feel a point in living. All I can do is lay in bed and cry in pain. I try to force myself to get around when it's bad like that but I can usually only go a few minutes.

I am just so incredibly tired of living this way. Pain like this, day after night after night after day...it wears down the soul. I just feel like I'm losing my ability to fight.

I haven't hurt myself in a pretty long time. I consider myself a recovered cutter but at this point I can't promise myself that I won't do it again. I know that inflicting more pain on myself does not make sense to most of you. It doesn't really make much sense to me, either. But the rage that is inside of me, the soul that is screaming out for the pain to just stop so I can breathe and LIVE, has no real way to communicate. There's nothing I can do because it is out of my control. I can't describe what it feels like to know that someone else is in charge of the amount of pain you feel.

And this fucking country...the fact that I have no health insurance, cannot get the meds I really need, and have to go poor because I can only work office jobs and cannot find one, but if I had fought for this piece of dog shit country THEN I would be given money for disability AND the medicine I need....I piss on this country and when I leave, I am never fucking coming back.

I'm just so tired of this pain, living this kind of life.